Rotter Pong

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Beer Sport Society has embraced a new form of bar athletics-- the ancient and honorable sport of "table tennis" or "ping pong."

Just as Americans turned the priggish games of rugby and cricket into the noble sports of football and baseball, the Rotters have transformed ping pong into Rotter Pong.

In Figure A, Cap'n Mike illustrates the correct stance and equipment for the new sport. Feet shoulder width apart, paddle grasped firmly in ponging hand, cigarette in non-ponging hand. Soccer cleats must, naturally, be worn at all times. But wait, you ask, cleats are not ideal, perhaps even hazardous, on the slick and hard bar floor. Ah yes, an added degree of difficult from which Rotters do not shy. Captain Mike busted his ass just after this photo was taken, and yet he ponged on with renewed vigor and determination. Yes, we have found a new way to injure ourselves.

Notice please that the beer is never held during play, but instead rests safely on the chest-high beer/ashtray shelf behind the player (beer not visible in Figure A, as it is safely in its appointed resting place).

And what are the regulations of this Rotter Pong contest? There are, of course, no rules. Occasional long quasi-legal volleys mix with frequent short and incompetent spurts of play interspersed with convivial conversation. Number of bounces are often ignored. Play is sometimes aggressive. People fall. People try to quit so they can drink beer in peace. Williford yells a lot. In short, it differs little from a Sunday game of Rotter Soccer.

Please join us every Sunday at approximately beer-thirty for Rotter Pong at the new and improve Horniblows Lounge, Somewhere, Raleigh, NC.

The Mighty Albeit Oppressed Scottish Nation, As Represented by Celtic FC, Triumph Over Their English Oppressors, As Represented By Manchester United

In 1745, we were defeated on the bloody fields of Culloden (pictured left). They took away our land. They took away our bagpipes. We got very drunk, passed out behind the pub, and woke up in a pool of our own pish. But Tuesday night, we of the proud Scottish Nation had our revenge at Glasgow's Celtic Park. In thrilling UEFA Champions League action, Celtic FC drove the over-paid, over-rated Manchester United Red Devils from the field in the obliterating 1-nil victory of the millenium.

With a spectacular bending 30-yard free kick goal by a Scotsman named Nakamura (it's an old Highland name), the men in stripey green turned the football universe on its head. But wait! An English foe is never so easily conquered. The conniving ref cooked up a bogus handball call, handing a penalty kick to the Prince-Charles-loving, Wham-listening boys in red. But gaelic righteousness once again prevailed, with a heroic save by another pure-bred son of Scotland, goalkeeper Artur Boruc.

The Celtic victory is already being called a turning point in the great hangover that is Scottish history. The redcoats were replaced with red AIG logo shirts and the Scotsmen wore pants, but it was yet another battle in the long war against the nation of Boy George and Benny Hill. From Belfast to Basra, those that suffer under the yoke of Saxon hegemony raised their heads with new hope. So join the proud people of Glasgow, sing a song of liberty, drink 17 pints, smoke 27 cigarettes, and wake up behind the pub in a pool of your own pish. For one night, taste the bitter glory of Scottish destiny.

But we can still rise now,
And be the nation again,
That stood against him,
Proud Edward's Army,
And sent him homeward,
Tae think again.

*** THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ROTTCAST SYSTEM ***

CLICK THE STOP BUTTON ON YOUR BROWSER TO STOP THE SIREN BEFORE YOU GO CRAZY

When a game is cancelled, or if a game we thought was cancelled is back on again, this siren will sound the alarm to the RRR past, present, future, imaginary, drunk, and gone fishin'. This just in: our final game of the season was just cancelled. I am not sure, but I think that all 3 of our wins came from forfeits. Final record for fall 2006: 3-2-2 and only one visit to Horniblows.
**********************************

Replacement Rotters Rock

Upon reflection, I was annoyed by this post. So, I deleted it. But, I will leave up this picture of Walter Mondale. Long may he reign.

Rotter Naughties Go Nautical

Befuddled by schedule changes, blog censorship, debated forfeits, and general low morale, the Rotters took a wrong turn on the way to TASL's latest stop-gap venue and just kept driving. When the caravan--headed up by "Was-it-you" Williford--finally stopped, they found a field with even less grass than WRAL. The upside? An OCEAN on one sideline.

"I really like the longshore wind factor, too," commented defense demigod Jacob Osten. "When the ball goes out of bounds, we get a long breather." O-Shag-nessy, whose middle syllable proved prophetic (he "shagged" almost every windbourne ball) begged to differ.

Rotter "Potty-mouth" McKinney tried to keep the language clean. Other Rotters listened with furrowed brows as she shouted "Holy feces, good pass!" and confusion reigned when she angrily shouted "Sexual intercourse with you, then!" when Cullinan blocked her shot. "I don't care if I don't sound tough as feces anymore," she responded when asked about her new linguistic choices,"No-one can trace ugly language back to myself or my teammates. And besides, I just feel better about myself. Talking clean is having-intercourse awesome."

The Rotters won every game they played on the new field. As beach-house hero Williford put it: "It's hard to lose when you're playing with yourself." Combined with victory over a beach house puzzle, "happy cake" by Williford and Ann-Katherin, and a win for the University of Tennessee american football team (a uniform change has been proposed for the Rotters--Manning will knit vests; see picture), the adventure provided a much-needed morale boost.

Rotter Men In Triathlon Also, And We Don't Use Naughty Words In Our Headlines

Not to be outdone by esteemed teammate Danica Bananica, several male Rotters will compete in Raleigh's 11th annual Surreal-A-Thon. The gruelling contest of wills begins with a 13-hour-long game of drunken curling, involving sliding and falling and not knowing the rules, similar to our experiences inthe Coed C League.

Howdy, pard'ner! Should the Boy Rotters survive the first hazardous and stupid event, it's time to mosey on over to Dorten Arena for drunken bull riding. Rotters can injure themselves walking onto a soccer field, so there should certainly be some trips to the hospital for the weak-minded but determined cowpokes in black. We are the rootin'est tootin'est soccer team in Raleigh, so we are sure to find a home on the Raleigh range, playing with deers and antelopes, seldomly hearing discouraging words, and tumbling like tumbleweeds. And I have run out of bad cowboy puns, so it's on to the next event.

Rotters are not really good with numbers or letters, but we sure know our colors really really well. Are you proud of us? The third event, Full-Contact Candyland, should be a walk in the candycane forest for the Sugar Plum Rotters. Kicking, punching, and full-body checking are all in bounds in this contest of strength and intellect. Yes, a few good men will get stuck in the Gooey Gumdrop Swamp. Only one will survive to rescue the Lollipop Queen, and thusly be declared the Surrealist Triathlon Champion. Do we have what it takes? Probably not.

More Evidence that Rotter Women are Tough as Shit

On Saturday, September 30th, founding Rotter Danica Cullinan (on academic leave this season)will participate in the Wilmington YMCA Triathlon. Though she has held the title for years, Cullinan is not content to rest on her laurels as baddest-ass bad-ass inside the beltline. She continues to add to her resume, making sure none of us have any hope of catching up with her. The triathlon begins at 8AM and includes an ocean swim, a flat-out run, and a sure-to-have-headwind bike ride. After she's done, she's headed to Clayton for Oktoberfest beers, where she's sure to outdrink many of us who sat on our not-as-bad-assed asses all day long. Check out her route at theses sites:
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/swim.pdf
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/bike.pdf
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/Wilmington%20run%20course.htm

PATERNITY TESTS REVEALED! Lowy Blamed Again

Siberia, UK: Following banishment to Siberia, Former Royal Raleigh Rotter Jon Lowy is now being blamed for something other than the usual 'everything'. The resemblance is undeniable, and now DNA tests have proven that Mr. Lowy did in fact father the lovechild of Chris Clemmons (RRR #8), thereby making a beautiful bouncing baby su-dog. Reached for comment, the dumurring mother Clemmons had this to say, "SEE! I TOLD YOU HE WAS! Come back 007!!" The tears streamed down his face as the proud mother told of the harrowing trip across the frozen continent to see his beloved Lowy-kins.
This picture was taken by Dr. Leonid Zudenov, the doctor who delivered baby su, beard and all, just 3 months ago. Mr. Lowy is now rumored to be involved with Russian PM Vladimir Putin, as he continues his reckless romp around the planet in exile from Raleigh, NC, leaving bastard children in his wake everywhere he goes. (ed. note: is that too much? ha ha. sorry.)

In a related story, Tobin the Rotter has disappeared and this picture has been put on milk cartons nationwide to help find him. One source claims TtR was spotted in an airport waitiing for a plane to Siberia, MD. Also, Danica the Great recently had her portrait done by one of the finest swashbuckling artists in the Basque region, Sir Pablo Zubicasso.

What Could We Get For TASL Registration Fee? Trans Am Plus 600 beers

Have you been regretting the $1,500 we gave to TASL this year, to pay for randomly scheduled games on crappy, far-away fields? (BTW-- Kudos to captain Mike for dealing with this crap. What is a kud0?)

Have you been wondering what we could have gotten for that $1,500? Here it is. This brown beauty of a 1978 Trans Am is currently listed for $1,000 on Ebay Motors. (this is true) Three words-- Burt F***in' Reynolds.

It's waiting for us in Wake Forest. Full list of features below. Holley Valvecovers! AM and FM! Tape Player! Edelbrock 600 Endurashine Carburetor! You know what that means.

After the Trans Am, we would have $500 left. That's 250 bar beers, or at least 600 glorious store-bought cans. We would not drink them in the car, only near it, perhaps in a 7-11 parking lot while blasting Zeppelin.


The Audacious Auto could be shared among team members, 1-2 days per month, for that special date with that special someone, or at least someone.

List of Features:
VERY solid body, very easy restoration start.
New fuel pump
New plugs
New wires
New hoses
New intake gasket
New carb gasket
Edelbrock 600 Endurashine Carburetor
Edelbrock Torker II Intake
Holley Valvecovers
6X W72 heads
Pioneer AM/FM/Tape
The clock in the dash actually works

We Can Rebuild Him

Wounded Rotter Pete Farquhar has regained hope in his epic battle against injury and self-pity. With the help of modern surgery and remedial education, Farquhar underwent a 12-hour operation to insert a 7th grade shop project into his ankle. It is hoped that the aglomeration of screws and metal will allow Farquhar to return to competitive semi-professional Coed soccer, while also earning an A+ in Metal Shop I for Matthew Sturgeon, Fuquay Varina Middle School, grade 7.

With any luck, the stumbling non-profiteer will be back in action just in time to re-injure himself. In the meantime, the Rotters will soldier on, breaking alcohol prohibitions, breaking bones, break dancing, taking smoke breaks, and continuing to crush and/or tie opposing teams.

Farquhar Out Six Weeks: Rotters Season Over?

Rotter Nation was rocked today by news that Minister of Agitprop/Star Halfback Pete Farquhar will be out 6 weeks with a gruelling, swollen, puss-oozing, bruised lateral ankle sprain. Dr. Sarah DeWitt of Raleigh Foot and Ankle gave the prognosis today, or perhaps the diagnosis, whatever, but anyway she ordered Farquhar to wear annoying support devices for the rest of his natural life.

Rotter Pete will still use his nimble fingers to update these pages at irregular intervals, but there is some question as to his ability to mount the stairs to Horniblows. Will his comrades have to bring him down beers, as he drinks alone in the Minivan of Victory? Time will tell.

Farquhar joins a long Honor Roll of Rotter Wounded, including Jacob (groin, liver), Sam (knees, cardio-vascular system), Carpenter brothers (knees, lungs, sibling rivalry), Charles (something), plus the array of psychological disorders shared by the rest of the squad.

Are the Rotters like the French in '40? Or the French in '54? Or the French in '06? Will they cry, like Roberto Duran, "no mas!"? Does anyone remember Roberto Duran?

No, the Rotters don't even know the meaning of the word "surrender," or, for that matter, of most words with more than two syllables. They will fight to the last man, or the last woman, or perhaps to the last dog tied to the last fence. But they will triumph, or, better yet, tie.

Keeper Dave Flashes a Winning Smile

Even though the Royal Raleigh Rotters succumbed to the dreaded Ligers in a 3-1 loss last evening, keeper Dave Baker was still smiling. Baker put in a spectacular performance, preventing an even more deceivingly lopsided victory by the physically superior, genetically engineered half-lion, half-tiger opposition.

The lone Rotter goal was scored by Kelly Who Is Really Good, who is so really good that she thoroughly confused the Liger keeper on the play by being both in front of and behind him at the same time.

At least two other Rotter goals should have been scored by Ed Shred, at least one other by Kelly, and at least one other brilliant header by Sam should have gone in. Meanwhile, at least two Liger goals should have been called back because that blonde guy was way too all-farm to be defended by a surprisingly slack midfielder Chris "Who Took The Oxygen Out Of The Air?" Clemmons. Clearly, a 5-1 Rotter moral victory.

Also, several mysterious large metal boxes flew over the field, prompting the confused Rotters to periodically run around covering their heads and not pay attention to the ball.

The Persons in Black retired to Morrisville's only bar, Champions I, after the game. Probably for the only time ever, though it wasn't half bad -- for Morrisville.

The "loss" evened out the Rotter Fall '06 record to a pleasingly symmetrical 1-1-1.

Match Fixing Scandal Rocks Elite-PremierCoed C Division

August 23, 2006
After the 1-1 draw vs. hated rivals 'the Farce', the Royal Rotters of Raleigh had to ask each other and the heavens, "Can this really have happened without money changing hands?" As it turns out, the referee of the match was one Jean Claude Froglegs - a known French nationalist with an axe to grind. 'Froglegs the Fixer' as he is known on the other side of the pond, was recently exposed in a BBC article chronicling the Serie A scandal in Italy - and his ties with the powerful Elite-Premier Coed C division run deep. "What are you talking about? There is no conspiracy, and Burlescon- I mean, Mrs. Langdon has nothing to do with Zidane-, I mean Juvent- Rott- whatever- What?" Mr. Froglegs is quoted as saying. It is known that only three seasons ago, the team known now as 'the Farce' was called 'Le France' - pronounced "Lee Frownce". Now I ask you, is this a coincidence? I think not. It is clear to this reporter that the fix is in, and so any loss suffered by the beautiful and merciless RRR this season can only be the result of old-fashioned bribery on the part of shameless Frenchmen who will settle for tainted glory. Ouch. ps. the irony is not lost on this reporter. 76

Rotters Revenge: Trip the Daytrippers

On Tuesday night, many a Rotter brain was filled with nightmarish memories of last year's game vs. the Daytrippers. The gigantic grassy grass field at SAS soccer park. The team with a stupid name that made us run all over the green grassy grass. Having to play in Cary, where the lawns are wide, the minds are narrow, and the bars suck.

There was much Rotter dread when we learned that this year's rematch would be played in "Morrisville", which is just another word for "Cary". Would we once again have to run too much, lose to a stupidly-named team, and then find ourselves stranded in a giant suburb far from any decent tavern?

Alas, the nightmare did not come true for the Rotters this year, but instead befell the downhearted Daytrippers. The final tally was Rotters 5, DTs (who looked more like Wings fans)nil. Goals were scored by Ed Shred, Kelly Who Is Very Good, Mark the Spark, Free Willy Alphin, and someone else, I think Mike. The highlight was a brilliant header by William Alphin, off a stunning cross by Mark the Spark.

Dave was fabulous in goal, mostly because of his Spiderman shirt. He was kicked in the face several times, but felt nothing due to the powers of his super garment. Go get 'em, Spidey.

Only one argument took place, in front of the opposing goal, when the old "Who's your favorite Beatle" debate broke out. I probably don't have to tell you that the Daytrippers are the sort that prefer Paul. The Rotters are , of course, Ringo supporters, and nearly had to back their words with their fists. Luckily, the ref was a George Harrison fan, and was able to broker a peace settlement without bloodshed.

The Daytrippers tried to surrender in the second half, but the Rotters take no prisoners. As the Daytripper defense crumbled, the Rotter goals began to resemble free kicks. It was sad, really.

After the game, the humiliated Daytrippers decided to change their name, with hope that a new moniker would bring back their flagging spirits. At press time, they were still deciding between "The Penny Lanes" and "The Octopus Gardens."

Note: There have been some reports that the Rotters were drinking Killians after the game at a sports bar in a strip mall in Cary. Don't believe a word of it. The Dreaded Drinkers in Black would never do such a thing.

New Trading Cards for the Fall 06 Season

Rotters Are Victorious Supreme Triumphant Superior Winning Crushing Dominant Well-Above-Average Champions of the Premier Elite Coed C-League

TASL has determined that the Royal Raleigh Rotters Ancient and Benevolent Football Society's crushing 8-2 record was sufficient to triumpantly and decisively win the mighty Coed C League. It took TASL officials only 2 months to figure out who had won, understandable since each team payed a mere $1,500 for the privilege of playing.

We get T-shirts.

Plans are afoot for a ticker-tape parade, on either Fayetteville Street, the Champs-Elysees, or Kirby Street.

Do we get a trophy?

What the Rotters certainly do get is the powerful knowledge that we never gave up, we fought until the end, we gave 117%, we left it all out on the field, and we tried pretty hard in most of the games. We also usually showed up sober, and limited our pre-game cigarettes to 2 or fewer. It wasn't easy. Several male Rotters abstained from conjugal relations for the entire season, although it is not clear whether this was entirely by choice.

We are the Steelers without a trophy. We are Lance Armstrong without cancer (yet). We are Italy without diving. We are Rocky. We are invincible. We are woman.

The Rotters are looking forward to the great things that can and will happen in season III, if we didn't screw up and forget to register. More crushing victories? An undefeated record? All is possible for the mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty Rotters.

Can the RRR Survive Without: D Cully, Kate Hate, J-Lowy and O'Shag-nasty?

We will see, at least for one season. In this era of top dollar superstar rosters, the RRR front office must step up its efforts to procure the services of these icons for future seasons. This situation should not be interpereted as anything but a temporary holdout, and Kate Hate jerseys will be available for the opening kickoff of the fall 2006 season. We do not intend to lose the services of our backbone players to other rival teams like the 'Akron Dumpers' or whomever. Do not worry. Also, this blog should not shut down just because we play soccer at Lion's and drink beer somewhat separately afterwards instead of Horniblows on Tuesdays. 76

Rotter National Anthem

Here are the Rotter National Anthem lyrics, as originally written. We departed somewhat from this Saturday. Learn them, live them.

Lyrics: (stream of unconsiousness)

(In the style of Johnny Rotten)

(Starts with driving bass line)

(in comes stereotypical punk guitar lick)

Rot Rot Rotters

Royal Raleigh Rotters

Rot Rot Rotters

Royal Raleigh Rotters

Feel bad on Monday

But feel good on Sunday

That's my fun day

My I don't have to run day!

(chorus)

(bridge)

My leg hurts

My knee hurts

My spleen hurts

My soul hurts!

(chorus)

Blame Lowy Blame Lowy

We play even if its snowy

Blame Lowy Blame Lowy

He sounds like David Bowie!

(chorus)

(abrupt ending, drop mike, smash your bass, vomit)

VICTORY!

Last Tuesday evening the Royal Raleigh Rotters won their final game of the Spring 2006 season 3-2 over the evil android army Diosynth. Ed Shred and Big Al Khalifa each scored slow-rolling beauties that just barely had momentum enough to make it into the Diosynth net. The third goal was one of the most beautiful, brute force scores in Rotter history, a group effort in which Kate Hate, Chris O'Shagnasty and Shred (someone correct me on who was involved if I'm wrong -- there may have been as many as ten Rotters in on the play) all converged on the ball in a massive Rotter attack and marched it past the helpless Diosynth keeper. People likened it to the '05 Steelers offensive line.

Cap'n Mike played goal first half and Sam the Invincible German played goal second half. They were heroes, allowing only one goal apiece. Diosynth were good and fast and partly British but the Rotters beat them anyway. No thanks to Jon Lowy.

This season-ending victory brought the Rotters to a mind-boggling 8-2 record, assuring them at least a 2nd place finish in the TASL Coed C standings. These and other facts were celebrated thoroughly at Horniblows after the game.

Note: Official Rotter Minister of Public Information Pete Farquhar has been too busy creating powerpoint presentations featuring Gil Dodson of late, so this report was filed by Deputy Rotter Minister of Public Information Chris Clemmons.

Lemon Mojo is a Stupid Name for a Team

The Unstoppable Royal Raleigh Rotters Dynasty won once again Tuesday night, licking their yellow opponents with a decisive 2-1 tally. Kelly continued the Rotters Women Reign of Terror with a terrific goal, and Edward J. Shred scored, despite the fact that he is a boy.

In light of the recent female scoring spree, several male Rotters are considering sex change operations to improve their soccer prowess. (Foolish ideas such as "exercise" and "quitting smoking" have been soundly rejected.)

With their phenomenal winning ways, Rotter Nation faces an existential dilemma. Should we continue winning and risk moving up to the feared Coed B League, where teams are stocked with a fearsome race of hard-kicking giants? Throw a few games and remain in the safe Coed C League? Or, really go in the tank and relegate ourselves to Coed D, where we can relax during games and save more energy for drinkin'?

Hard choices are ahead. We need The Decider.

Women Wotters Wow in Wonderful Win

The fabulous female footballers of the Royal Raleigh Rotters humiliated opponents "The Farce" with a 4-3 womanly whoppin'. Rotter Rookie Ann Scheune(wo)mann scored a spectacular hat trick with a penalty kick, a ricochet off of a fumbling Farce footballer, and a regular goal, too. Unfortunately, no one had a hat to throw, but the hats of Rotter Nation are off for young "Ann Who Can."

Danica Bananica and Kate Hate rushed from a long weekend of folkin' it up at Merlefest, and were only minutes late for the game. The Fog of Folk did not prevent Danica from scoring perhaps the most spectacular goal in Rotters history, with a looping dipping whirling flying shot that defied the laws of physics and several other sciences as well.

The men of Rotterdom had a great time running around, yelling, and occasionally kicking the ball in random directions. We do not not accept the oppressive matriarchal aggression and competitiveness that inflicts the Coed C League. We just like beer.

Formerly Foreign Rotters Join Team America

In a suprising move, two quasi-legal alien Rotters took on the yoke of American Citizenship this month. Jon Zubi and Aner Cheney (who changed his name upon taking the oath) both hail from the "Basque" or "Drunk" region of Spain, an area known for producing colorful malcontents.

Even more suprising are the actions that the new Freedom-lovers took after gaining citizenship. Aner headed straight to a Republican political rally, where he had the honor (?) of taking the podium with the embattled President and Vice-President. Zubi made a b-line for the nearest Hummer dealership, where he reportedly announced, "Give me the biggest one on the lot! I need to start using fossil fuels and producing hydro-carbons!"

Welcome aboard, Proud Patriot Rotters. You are suspicious foreigners no more. You are now a part of the greatest nation on the planet. I hope you will join us in conquering that planet, as well as warming it up a litte.

Physicist and Englishman Needed

Rotter corporate headquarters announced today that two critical positions on the squad will be vacated at the end of this season. Rotters O'Shaughnessy and Lowy are expected to leave the area on a semi-permanent basis this Spring, for the major metropolitan areas of Washington, DC and London, England, respectively. Though O'Shaughnessy and Lowy will always be Rotters, they won't physically be able to play on the squad on a regular basis from their remote locations. Therefore, RotterCorp is advertising two vacancies. Successful candidates should have extensive playing experience at the collegiate or professional level; must be tall and have interesting haircuts; and must have a great and insatiable liking for beer. Necessary special qualification for Lowy's position: must be able to accept all blame. Please forward resumes to Cap'n Mike at webmaster@switchedreluctance.com.

Rotters Retire #007. Must Find New Fall Guy

Jon Lowy, the premier zinc salesman in the western hemisphere, has become Jon Lowy, a decent zinc salesman in whatever hemisphere England is in. The Rotters now need a tall Englishman and a scapegoat, so the search is on. I know a tall, useless bastard from Australia (sounds like an English accent to me) so he will probably fill the role seamlessly. We must impress upon him the need for wide, badly aimed shots and poor, weak headers on offense, but I think he will do fine. The issue of the retired 007 jersey needs to be addressed. Do we burn it? Bury it? Hang it from the rafters at Lion's? It is not for me to decide. I am still hanging on to the hope that Mr. Lowy will recognize his mistake, and buy his house back, and his car, toaster and whatever else he might have sold so far. Ed Shred has been known to impersonate an Englishman in a pinch, so we should be OK - worst case. Shun Lowy!
76

Rotters Rout Red Storm in Rematch Romp

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football Liberation Army (pictured above) decisively destroyed the hapless Red Storm, by a walloping 2-1 margin. Sam scored both Rotter goals. The one Red Storm goal involved some sort of cheating/injustice. There would have been many more Rotter goals were it not for even more cheating/injustice. Beers were sipped at Horniblows after the game. These Rotter wins are becoming rather routine, but nonetheless marvelous.

Many Rotters past and present turned out for Sunday's team picture. JP came all the way from Qatar, Gil Dodson came from a Halloween past, and football legend Jim Thorpe came from the afterlife. Hamza wore a mysterious disguise for mysterious reasons (Not because I didn't have a picture of him to Photoshop. Oh, no.)

Rotters Adopt Minor League Affiliate

RotterCorp International Sports Ventures, the parent company of the Royal Raleigh Rotters, has expanded into the growing and profitable world of semi-professional 5-6 year-old T-ball. The Capital Ear Nose and Throat Grizzlies (I didn't make that up) are now an official minor-league affiliate of RotterCorp.

In their first game Tuesday night, the gallant Grizzlies galloped to a 20-20 tie with the highly-touted Cubs. Given the 5-run per inning limit in the Elite Premier Salvation Army T-Ball League (EPSATBL), 20-20 ties are not uncommon. There were 2 outs in the entire 4-inning contest.

Budding T-ball superstar Emma Farquhar is batting 1.000, with a single and one run scored. In fact, the entire Grizzly squad is batting 1.000 with a single and one run scored. All players successfully rounded the bases in the prescribed counter-clockwise direction, no children were harmed, and there were no crying incidents. The Ear Nose and Throaters hope to carry their almost winning ways to Thursdays matchup with league co-leaders the Sliding Penguins.

RotterCorp hopes to turn a tidy profit from concession and gambling revenue, with at least enough income to cover Sunday post-game beverages for the Persons in Black. The Salvation Army has shown some resistance to liquor and beer sales at EPSATBL games, but RotterCorp lawyers are hopeful of winning the impending lawsuit. Luckily, SA officials have yet to notice the RotterCorp betting parlor, tucked discreetly behind the concessions stand.

Fight on, Grizzlies, fight on! The beer-starved Rotters are depending on you.

Rotters Find Jamaican Link

Several players from the Royal Raleigh Rotters Futbol and Parking Lot Keepaway Society were fortunate enough to attend the "international friendly" match between the U.S. and Jamaican national teams last night. The sold-out game was played at the SAS soccer center, directly adjacent to the extremely large field where the Rotters experienced a crushing defeat last Fall at the hands of the cardiovascularly superior Daytrippers.

The Rotters were delighted to find a spiritual equal in Jamaican Reggae Boyz goalkeeper Donovan Ricketts. Ricketts, a ridiculously tall and gangly fellow, took it upon himself to underhandedly stop play by employing Rotter-esque tactics on at least two separate occasions: once by "accidentally" tossing the ball out of the sidelines and into the stands, and then again later by falling down on the field and writhing in dramatic agony -- only to bounce back up seconds later and flash a grin at the crowd behind the net.


Let's hear it for Donovan Ricketts -- Yard Balla and Reggae Rotter!

Rotters Beat Styx Fans

Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life
From the long arm of the law.
Hangman is coming down from the gallows
And I don't have very long.

Thus was the plaintive dirge heard before Tuesday's game, sung in pure seventies harmony by Rotters foe-of-the-moment, "The Renegades."

Just what you would expect from a bunch of Styx fans.

Oh Renegades, you had it made, but then you played the Rotters. Raleigh's finest football freaks beat the stout, plucky Renegades handily, by an official 3-1 tally. However, when you add in Danica's brilliant left-footed goal, called back on an inexplicable off-sides call, that brings the total to 4-1. Considering the the lone Renegade goal was actually score by Jeff "sideways five" Williford with a beautifully executed through-the-legs f**kup, that brings the actual Rotter total to 5 goals, with a big nil left for the Rotund Renegades.

Chris "Mullet Warrior" O' Shagenessy scored his first career goal early in the contest. Aly followed with a brilliant header on a Sam throughball. And then somebody else scored, too. Don't tell me who it was, I'll think of it eventually. Maybe it was me. I actually played in the game. I may have even touched the ball, and by touching it, could have guided it into the goal. But I don't think that happened.

Did O'Shagenessy's Mullet Power cancel out the Renegade's Styx Energy? Such questions are beyond the humble Rotter mind. But we soldier on, confident in our knowledge that Journey is the best cheesy arena rock band, followed closely by Night Ranger. Styx is somewhere near the bottom, under Rainbow. And the Righteous Rocketing Rotters are a little closer to the top of the Elite Premier Coed C League with each stunning triumph.

(That reminds me - Triumph is right above Rainbow in the arena rock rankings. Right below Argent and Aldo Nova.)

The Rotters' Own Gandhi

Non-confrontative conflict resolution has never been the Rotters' claim to fame, but The Rotter' game against Netsation (the spelling of this name is controversial, as is pronunciation) proved the non-violent value system that informs #8's actions. Clemmons' unintentional foul behooved an opponent to "stryke" (I looked it up, it means "act stupid." I wonder if the Strykers know...) Clemmons faced down the potential conflict with calm aplomb. Thank goodness he hadn't had any whiskey yet.
This noble (in)action has triggered a pattern in Rotterly behavior and marks a subtle alteration of the team's (still rough, still tough, but somehow more contemplative) attitude. Proof positive is the Ear Incident, in which Sam (a Rotter who is notably more volatile when perturbed) calmly faced down a Stryker.
Gandhi would be proud.

Rotters Lose, Blame Englishman

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Gardening Society fell to 3-2 Tuesday night, with a tragic, soul-destroying 3-1 loss to the hated Strykers. Said Strykers were handed two penalty kicks, providing more evidence of the TASL Anti-Rotters Conspiracy. The retrograde Rotters are now 0-3 against the Strykers, a fact that does not sit well with the Persons in Black.

The reeling Rotters immediately looked to place blame for their two-game losing streak, and quickly settled on Enormous Englishman Jon Lowy (pictured left). The Sizeable Saxon has been absent for the last two Rotter losses, on so-called "business trips" spreading the Gospel of Zinc. Reached for comment, the Absent Anglo said, "My fault-- I was sunning my [backside] in South Beach, Miami." The Loveable Large Limey will be departing soon for his gloomy native land, thereby plunging Rotter Nation into eternal darkness and defeat.

The lone Rotter goal was score with spectacular aplomb by Ed "Shred" Shred. But the game highlight came when Sam successfully incited a Stryker yellow card by placing his finger into the ear of a female opponent. A Wet Willy, perhaps? The feisty Stryker shot back with, "Get your [fluffin'] finger out of my ear." Sam said, "Wha?" His Stryker victim repeated her profanity-laced tirade, drawing a yellow card from the esteemed Ref and inspiring moral outrage in many a Rotter. If there is one thing a Rotter hates, it's naughty language.

Despite the despair and desperation of the current situation, this reporter is certain that we will soon see a patented Rotter Rebounding Resurgence, with many, many wins, at least against the crappy teams. Rise, Rotters, rise, and answer the call of your rotten destiny!

Rotters Face a Wrathful God

The Royal Raleigh Rotters were on the wrong side of divine intervention Tuesday night, with a soul-crushing 4-0 defeat at the hands of The Other Team (this reporter can't remember their name, but it was a stupid one, and only a front, see below.) Rotter goals were not scored by Will, Chris C, Aner, Hamza, Ann, Danica, Kate, Mike, Mark, Erin, Jeff, Jacob, Sam, Chris O, Suleman, Pete, and Flip Wilson. (Please let me know if anyone else didn't score.)

There was much speculation as to the true identity of The Other Team, and on the reason that The Big Man (pictured left) intervened on their side. Some posited that our foes were a lost subcomittee of the Knights Templar, who wandered to Raleigh to battle infidels such as the Rotters. Other thought they were a secret sect of Kung Fu Jesuits. Whatever their nature, The Other Team clearly had A Higher Power on their side, controlling the bounce of the ball, the refs, and the swirling dust storms that circled the parched field.

Not only did the loss end the Mighty Three-Week Rotters Dynasty, (2006 CE - 2006 CE), but it also triggered a total eclipse of the sun, to be visible today across much of the earth.

In a further sign of the coming Soccer-opalypse, North Carolina Lottery Tickets will go on sale tomorrow. The Old North State is already being punished for this trangression with drought, a plague of immigrants from New Jersey, and early exits from the NCAA tourney.

Not withstanding the lottery's clear sinfulness, many Rotters will be found tomorrow in the alleyways behind convenience stores, fervently scratching "Tic-Tac-Doe" cards, praying to an unlistening diety that the 1,000,000 to 1 odds will bounce in their favor.

Lo, these are dark times for the Rotters. But we will rise once again, to win and drink and drink some more!

Sam's Fiery Drink Party

Here are a few pics from Sam's Fiery Drink Party last month. Thanks to Sam for the fiery drinks and to Anne Kathrin for the kick-ass chili! Sorry it took me so long to get these out to the world... this moving-from-Raleigh-to-Chapel-Hill stuff really hinders me from accomplishing very important things... like drinking more fiery drinks.