January 16-- After weeks of worldwide anticipation, the Rotters International Football and Foreign Affairs Society has issued its recommendations to for a "new way forward" for American involvement in Iraq (or is it Iran? we always get confused.) The prognostication comes from the Rotters Iraq Study Group, a multi-partisan panel of Democrats, Socialists, Anarchists, Surrealists, Whigs, and Apathetic Drunks. The plan is sure to receive worldwide attention (ie-- at least on guy in England might read them, as well as a prominent Qatarwegian academic.)
Here is the 32-point plan:
1. An "escalating surge" of 10-20 more soldiers and marines (a .00001% increase), to clear and hold neighborhoods in Baghdad. This has the same probability of success as sending 21,000, with a much lower cost.
7. A "de-escalating un-surge" or 140,000 soldiers and marines. The guys from point one will be pissed off when they find out.
5. Diplomatic missions to Syria and Iran. This will solve everything. They have always been super nice and helpful. We will bring pandas kind of like the Chinese did with us in the 70's. Syrians dig pandas.
21. Make lots of generalizations about Shiites and Sunnis.
17. Make some generalizations about the Kurds while we're at it.
3. Fire Gates, Snow, Cheney, Rumsfeld again, Rice, and the rest of the Bush cabinet once we find out their names.
8. Send 72,000 troops back in, then take 30,000 out, then send in 10,000, then pull out 40,000, then send in 8,000, then pull out 20,000. How many troops does that leave? What color are their uniforms? Explain your answer.
32. Send a diplomatic mission the the Israelis. Ask them how we can make peace in the region. Do the exact opposite of what they say.
9. Repeat step 8 with the Palestinians.
16. Ask Tom Waits what to do. That guy is cool.
12. Send in Oprah, Bono, Angelina, Madonna, and Sally Strothers (old school.) That will annoy them. Make sure Madonna doesn't steal any babies.
29. Think of a euphemism for the troop pull-out. Redeployment? Creative Cowardice? Proactive Surrender? What the Fuck Else Are We Supposed To Do?
13. Next time, invade a nicer country. That's a pretty damn ugly country. I'm just saying.
24. Learn the lessons of Vietnam-- make sure you forget everthing in thirty years and make up some bogus reason to invade another country. Act suprised and outraged when it doesn't work out.
27. Bring in some Pentagon counter-insurgency experts. They've always been really good at counter-insurgency.
30. Think of some more points, quick. Maybe have a contest where people send in points and we make a Super Bowl commercial out of the best ones.
23. Mix up the numbers so noboby knows that you couldn't think of enough steps.
Reached for comment, President Bush has stated that he is considering all options, even ones that are stupider than his own. He likes the part about the pandas.
