Plans Evolve for New Year's Eve Rotter Rout

Like the Grim Reaper with his scythe--a common image associated with the Annum Outgoing--the Rotters plan to see the decade out by mowing down their doppelgangers/nemeses the RockersStrategies include:








The Stinkeye

























and



Kicking the Ass




as well as Pod Play and Pee Wee Soccer, illustrations of which are not included here for fear of detection by enemy surveillance. (There is no security issue with these two images because the Stinkeye, I mean, yeah, you see it, now what are you gonna do about it? and the Ass Kicking diagram is encrypted in Zubicode.)

A Rotter's Guide to Exercise

Have you ever done "exercise"? Have you ever been running on the soccer field and you feel tired or out of breath? You were doing exercise, perhaps without knowing it. Of course, when you start to feel this way, immediately stop and rest. Too much exercise can make you dull. But a little bit can be OK, if you can stand it, and will give us an edge over the pilates-trained Rockers.

"Running" is of course one form of exercise. Some people run around tracks and on roads. This should be avoided-- it is extremely tiring and perhaps even dangerous. Veteran Rotters will recall the long-standing rule of when it is okay to run: 1) If you are on a soccer field; 2) If someone is chasing you; 3) If you are on fire.

"Lifting weights" is another form of exercise of which you may have heard. This can also be problematic-- the combination of heaviness and gravity makes this a strain on your arms, back, and psyche. It can also lead to tiredness, an all too common side effect of exercise.

So, what to do? Utilize the following Safe Forms of Exercise:

-- Darts, pool, ping pong, bowling: If you can drink a beer or Dr. Pepper while you play it, then it is probably a beneficial fitness activity. These jolly pastimes also require no running. In fact, running in bars and bowling alleys can result in injury and/or expulsion.

-- Growing a mustache: This exercises several glands in your pituitary system and makes you look suave. Pre-menopausal women should avoid this sport, however.

-- Watching sports: You can learn how to do sports by watching them. Do a short sprint to the fridge each time you get a beverage. Remember to eat Pringles.

Important: Each of these forms of exercise use up calories. As such, they are sucking away your life force. Beer and/or Dr. Pepper and french fries are the best ways to replace your life-giving calories, the more the better. It is also good to partake of a nice warm cigarette, which makes your lungs happy. They might be mad at you for making them work so hard.

The Pod System and You

Soccer games, like the world, can be very confusing. Rules. Substitutions. Another team that is trying to score goals. Luckily, we have "The Pod System" to guide us through the swirling chaos of the forthcoming Rotten Rockin' Raleigh Soccer Showdown (or whatever it's called.)

What is "The Pod System," you ask? How can it make my life better? It is a brilliantly conceived simple yet complex strategic system. It will make your life better in every way. I am on vacation and can spend time dreaming up crazy shit.

Here is an easily digestible summary:

Pod: A grouping of one to two players that always play and sub in and out together. If your pod buddy is in, you are in. If your pod buddy is out, you are out. If your pod buddy gets injured, you injure yourself and go out. If you are the only person in your pod, go in when you are in and go out when you are out. (see One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods, below)

Anti-Pod: A pod with which you switch, subbing in and out. If your anti-pod is in, you are out. If your anti-pod is out, you are in. You need to communicate and cooperate with your anti-pod. Determine who will play which side of field, etc.

One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods: In some cases, there is just one person with whom you switch in and out. Hard to screw that up.

Pod-Switching: Pod-switching should take place every 10 to 20 minutes. Cooperate with your anti-pod on the timing of this switch. Be flexible. Rotters get tired, sometimes after 60-90 seconds of running.

Exceptions-- Spanish people beginning with "A" will play approximately 75% of the game: Alberto will play entire first half, floating around at will with defensive bias. Aner will play entire second half, floating around at will with defesive bias. The non-full-time "A" player will be in the special Pete Pod. This way, Pete doesn't have to play very hard, or well. But he will help out when needed.

Keeper Pod: Only one keeper is allowed. Zubi first half, Aly second half. When not playing keeper,Zubi/Aly will be in the Hamza Pod, as central forwards.

If someone doesn't show up: Entire system crumbles.

Forwards: Eric and Charles are One Man Inter-Switching Anti-pods, at wings. (Ed-Sue) and (Hamza-Aly/Zubi) are Anti-Pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.Middle: Alberto all first half. Aner all second half. Pods are (Pete-"A" person) switching with (Kate-Mike). Danica and Will are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods on wings. Remember: you are like ninjas.

Defendors-- Jim and Jacob are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods. (Jeff-Sarah) and (Lou-Chuck B) are anti-pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.
Got it? Feel free to email questions to: IHaveAStupidQuestion@gmail.com . Thank you for your time.

Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown 2009 is Hereby Declared

The moment of long-awaited penultimate destiny is upon us: The Second Annual Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown (RRRSSS)! We will once again determine who is probably one of the best coed soccer teams in Raleigh.

- Sport: Soccer
- Time: 1pm EST
- Date: New Year’s Eve Day, 2009
- Location: Hali-faxx field, Raleigh, NC
- Teams: Royal Raleigh Rotters vs. Raleigh Rockers
- Winner: Team with the most goals
- How to score a goal: Kick ball into goal. “Close enough” does not count.
- Prize: Trophy, pride
- Rules: Too many. These will be discussed at the Secret Strategy Session.
- What Secret Strategy Session? The one that is at 7pm, Thurs Dec 17th at DesignBox.

Before and After Game Victory Celebrations: TBA at this location some other time.