Plans Evolve for New Year's Eve Rotter Rout

Like the Grim Reaper with his scythe--a common image associated with the Annum Outgoing--the Rotters plan to see the decade out by mowing down their doppelgangers/nemeses the RockersStrategies include:








The Stinkeye

























and



Kicking the Ass




as well as Pod Play and Pee Wee Soccer, illustrations of which are not included here for fear of detection by enemy surveillance. (There is no security issue with these two images because the Stinkeye, I mean, yeah, you see it, now what are you gonna do about it? and the Ass Kicking diagram is encrypted in Zubicode.)

A Rotter's Guide to Exercise

Have you ever done "exercise"? Have you ever been running on the soccer field and you feel tired or out of breath? You were doing exercise, perhaps without knowing it. Of course, when you start to feel this way, immediately stop and rest. Too much exercise can make you dull. But a little bit can be OK, if you can stand it, and will give us an edge over the pilates-trained Rockers.

"Running" is of course one form of exercise. Some people run around tracks and on roads. This should be avoided-- it is extremely tiring and perhaps even dangerous. Veteran Rotters will recall the long-standing rule of when it is okay to run: 1) If you are on a soccer field; 2) If someone is chasing you; 3) If you are on fire.

"Lifting weights" is another form of exercise of which you may have heard. This can also be problematic-- the combination of heaviness and gravity makes this a strain on your arms, back, and psyche. It can also lead to tiredness, an all too common side effect of exercise.

So, what to do? Utilize the following Safe Forms of Exercise:

-- Darts, pool, ping pong, bowling: If you can drink a beer or Dr. Pepper while you play it, then it is probably a beneficial fitness activity. These jolly pastimes also require no running. In fact, running in bars and bowling alleys can result in injury and/or expulsion.

-- Growing a mustache: This exercises several glands in your pituitary system and makes you look suave. Pre-menopausal women should avoid this sport, however.

-- Watching sports: You can learn how to do sports by watching them. Do a short sprint to the fridge each time you get a beverage. Remember to eat Pringles.

Important: Each of these forms of exercise use up calories. As such, they are sucking away your life force. Beer and/or Dr. Pepper and french fries are the best ways to replace your life-giving calories, the more the better. It is also good to partake of a nice warm cigarette, which makes your lungs happy. They might be mad at you for making them work so hard.

The Pod System and You

Soccer games, like the world, can be very confusing. Rules. Substitutions. Another team that is trying to score goals. Luckily, we have "The Pod System" to guide us through the swirling chaos of the forthcoming Rotten Rockin' Raleigh Soccer Showdown (or whatever it's called.)

What is "The Pod System," you ask? How can it make my life better? It is a brilliantly conceived simple yet complex strategic system. It will make your life better in every way. I am on vacation and can spend time dreaming up crazy shit.

Here is an easily digestible summary:

Pod: A grouping of one to two players that always play and sub in and out together. If your pod buddy is in, you are in. If your pod buddy is out, you are out. If your pod buddy gets injured, you injure yourself and go out. If you are the only person in your pod, go in when you are in and go out when you are out. (see One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods, below)

Anti-Pod: A pod with which you switch, subbing in and out. If your anti-pod is in, you are out. If your anti-pod is out, you are in. You need to communicate and cooperate with your anti-pod. Determine who will play which side of field, etc.

One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods: In some cases, there is just one person with whom you switch in and out. Hard to screw that up.

Pod-Switching: Pod-switching should take place every 10 to 20 minutes. Cooperate with your anti-pod on the timing of this switch. Be flexible. Rotters get tired, sometimes after 60-90 seconds of running.

Exceptions-- Spanish people beginning with "A" will play approximately 75% of the game: Alberto will play entire first half, floating around at will with defensive bias. Aner will play entire second half, floating around at will with defesive bias. The non-full-time "A" player will be in the special Pete Pod. This way, Pete doesn't have to play very hard, or well. But he will help out when needed.

Keeper Pod: Only one keeper is allowed. Zubi first half, Aly second half. When not playing keeper,Zubi/Aly will be in the Hamza Pod, as central forwards.

If someone doesn't show up: Entire system crumbles.

Forwards: Eric and Charles are One Man Inter-Switching Anti-pods, at wings. (Ed-Sue) and (Hamza-Aly/Zubi) are Anti-Pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.Middle: Alberto all first half. Aner all second half. Pods are (Pete-"A" person) switching with (Kate-Mike). Danica and Will are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods on wings. Remember: you are like ninjas.

Defendors-- Jim and Jacob are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods. (Jeff-Sarah) and (Lou-Chuck B) are anti-pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.
Got it? Feel free to email questions to: IHaveAStupidQuestion@gmail.com . Thank you for your time.

Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown 2009 is Hereby Declared

The moment of long-awaited penultimate destiny is upon us: The Second Annual Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown (RRRSSS)! We will once again determine who is probably one of the best coed soccer teams in Raleigh.

- Sport: Soccer
- Time: 1pm EST
- Date: New Year’s Eve Day, 2009
- Location: Hali-faxx field, Raleigh, NC
- Teams: Royal Raleigh Rotters vs. Raleigh Rockers
- Winner: Team with the most goals
- How to score a goal: Kick ball into goal. “Close enough” does not count.
- Prize: Trophy, pride
- Rules: Too many. These will be discussed at the Secret Strategy Session.
- What Secret Strategy Session? The one that is at 7pm, Thurs Dec 17th at DesignBox.

Before and After Game Victory Celebrations: TBA at this location some other time.

Deutsche Rotters

This post proves that the Grabingers really are in Germany as of July 2009, and that Deutschland is a beautiful place full of castles, biergartens, and forests. It is a magical place, and seems especially so when blasting through there in Sam's old '77 Porsche. So take off your skirt, cancel your manicure, grow a mustache, and fly to Germany today.

Summer Doldrums and a Hilarious Blog

The Rotters continue to "play" (that is, walk wearily up and down the field after the ball) in the heat of the summer, Wednesdays and Sundays.

Some minor differences: fewer loogies, more difficulty breathing, less running, more sweat.

A team fearing heat exhaustion might take some hints from the immortal Barcelona and try short passes...

For inspiration, check out some Expat hilarity from Nicholas Whitley, a Rotter in spirit, for sure. In his most recent post, he describes the cultural phenomenon that is Barca:
NowAin'tThatSome$#!&.

Team With Long Pants Triumphant in Rotter Bowl II

Like lightning on a dreary February afternoon, the Team With Long Pants and Charles Who Wore Shorts triumphed 7-5 over the Team With Shorts and Jeff Who Wore Long Pants.  But both teams were triumphant over the inclimateness of the weather and their own impairment.  Only the length of their pants separated them.

Recap: People ran around, occasionally landing in large puddles.  They kicked the ball, sometimes to each other.  People scored goals.  Pete scored, Charles scored, Chris O' scored in the wrong goal, Ed probably scored, and maybe Mike.  One team scored 7 while the other scored 5.  The team with 7 won.  Lou Poletta returned from three years on injured reserve.  Jacob returned from a shorter injury break.  Both experienced no re-injury, miraculously.

The pre-game and post-game victory celebrations and the post-post-game Victory Lunch Brunch were sucessfully celebratory.  After the game, Chris 'O won a Wii Bunny Game Showdown, over Jeff, who is frankly not a very good Wii player.  The keg defeated several Rotters.  There was lots of chili Saturday night and lots of Zubi Food Sunday morning.  We are grateful to Zubi for his extreme brunchiness.

A tragic aspect of Rotter Bowl II was the extreme absentness of many many Weather Wussys.  The list of non-participant shame:  Pete for half of the game, Chris "group shower" Clemmons, Kate (showed up post-game), Danica, Jim P, Jeremy, Other Jeremy, Fern, Guy Who Fell in Ditch and Never Came Back, Guy With No Shoes From Fletcher, The Other Aly, Rick Hicks, Scott, Chuck Brown, all Raleigh Rockers, all Tobacco Squirrels, Others Who I Have Forgotten.  Written excuses will be required, from a medical doctor or spouse.

But the determined few who showed displayed the Iron Rotter Will to play and drink and eat.  Hooray for us.

The Images Of Rotter Bowl II, Captured in Pictures

Rotter Bowl II Proclaimed

It is hereby proclaimed that Rotter Bowl II will take place this coming Saturday, February 28, according to the following schedule:

- Pregame victory celebration at 2:30pm (bloody marys are a preferred beverage choice but complete freedom is encouraged) at Aly and Beth's house, 617 Kirby St.

- Pre-victory procession to field at 3:55pm

- "Game" at 4pm, on upper "fields" at Dorothea Dix 

- Postgame victory celebration and awards ceremony at Aly and Beth's at 6:20pm

- Post post-game victory recovery brunch lunch, noon, Sunday, Jon Zubi's house, Boundary St., potluck, probably more bloody marys.

What you need to know:

Rotter Bowl has been played for twos and twos of years.  

It differs from a typical Sunday game in that:

- It is played on a Saturday

- It is an excellent opportunity to use Roman numerals and celebrate Freedom

- Real size goals, field, etc.

- We keep score, as best we can

- Pre- and post-game celebrations

- Awards and prizes for all participants

- Some participants wear wigs, dress like Germans, or sport semi-formal attire

- Models take pictures of us (I don't understand either)

***Bring a white and a dark shirt.  Orange and yellow are not dark.  Gray is not white.  Feel free to ignore this.

It is rumored that this is Comrade JP's last game with us for a while, given his impending move to somewhere called "Portland," which is not in Wake County.  He and Sally apparently like places with either not enough rain or way too much.

Hope to see you there.

Khalifa Keeps Clean Sheet, Rotters Tie

The Battle for the Capital - Raleigh Rockers V. Raleigh Rotters

The first annual Raleigh Derby was played last Wednesday (12/31) on the hellish-yet-decent upper field at Dorothea Dix. The wind was on our side, but at 35 mph it didn't seem like it wanted to be, and RRRs Hamza and Mosca were nowhere around. It was 14 on 14, and a couple of the Rockers' players thought it was OK to tackle people and run really hard, but we did tie them according to an official score keeper (who got it wrong**).


Along with the Rotten Squirrel Classic and The Rotterbowl, this game represents nearly 1/2 of a TASL season, thus saving us a pile of money and the aggravation of dealing with such a group of clowns each year. EAT OUR SHORTS, TASL!

The Rotter defense and goalie allowed 3 or 4* goals in the first half, all well deserved, Ed banged the hell out of the opposing crossbar early, and Zubi scored a goal that was so garbage he didn't even want to talk about it later. Kate played very well in the mid, and Eric blocked a good shot by #8 Chris Clemmons.

We completely dominated the second half with Aly in goal, but because we were playing a 4 striker line-up, only scored once. Final score 3 to 3. No penalty kick shootouts, overtime, nothing. We tied the Raleigh Rockers last Wednesday.

So, we are still the champs! Now what we need is a drinking song and a coach. Somebody talk to Koatx about coming back - maybe we are ready for his radical O-formation at long last.