Rotter Men In Triathlon Also, And We Don't Use Naughty Words In Our Headlines

Not to be outdone by esteemed teammate Danica Bananica, several male Rotters will compete in Raleigh's 11th annual Surreal-A-Thon. The gruelling contest of wills begins with a 13-hour-long game of drunken curling, involving sliding and falling and not knowing the rules, similar to our experiences inthe Coed C League.

Howdy, pard'ner! Should the Boy Rotters survive the first hazardous and stupid event, it's time to mosey on over to Dorten Arena for drunken bull riding. Rotters can injure themselves walking onto a soccer field, so there should certainly be some trips to the hospital for the weak-minded but determined cowpokes in black. We are the rootin'est tootin'est soccer team in Raleigh, so we are sure to find a home on the Raleigh range, playing with deers and antelopes, seldomly hearing discouraging words, and tumbling like tumbleweeds. And I have run out of bad cowboy puns, so it's on to the next event.

Rotters are not really good with numbers or letters, but we sure know our colors really really well. Are you proud of us? The third event, Full-Contact Candyland, should be a walk in the candycane forest for the Sugar Plum Rotters. Kicking, punching, and full-body checking are all in bounds in this contest of strength and intellect. Yes, a few good men will get stuck in the Gooey Gumdrop Swamp. Only one will survive to rescue the Lollipop Queen, and thusly be declared the Surrealist Triathlon Champion. Do we have what it takes? Probably not.

More Evidence that Rotter Women are Tough as Shit

On Saturday, September 30th, founding Rotter Danica Cullinan (on academic leave this season)will participate in the Wilmington YMCA Triathlon. Though she has held the title for years, Cullinan is not content to rest on her laurels as baddest-ass bad-ass inside the beltline. She continues to add to her resume, making sure none of us have any hope of catching up with her. The triathlon begins at 8AM and includes an ocean swim, a flat-out run, and a sure-to-have-headwind bike ride. After she's done, she's headed to Clayton for Oktoberfest beers, where she's sure to outdrink many of us who sat on our not-as-bad-assed asses all day long. Check out her route at theses sites:
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/swim.pdf
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/bike.pdf
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/Wilmington%20run%20course.htm

PATERNITY TESTS REVEALED! Lowy Blamed Again

Siberia, UK: Following banishment to Siberia, Former Royal Raleigh Rotter Jon Lowy is now being blamed for something other than the usual 'everything'. The resemblance is undeniable, and now DNA tests have proven that Mr. Lowy did in fact father the lovechild of Chris Clemmons (RRR #8), thereby making a beautiful bouncing baby su-dog. Reached for comment, the dumurring mother Clemmons had this to say, "SEE! I TOLD YOU HE WAS! Come back 007!!" The tears streamed down his face as the proud mother told of the harrowing trip across the frozen continent to see his beloved Lowy-kins.
This picture was taken by Dr. Leonid Zudenov, the doctor who delivered baby su, beard and all, just 3 months ago. Mr. Lowy is now rumored to be involved with Russian PM Vladimir Putin, as he continues his reckless romp around the planet in exile from Raleigh, NC, leaving bastard children in his wake everywhere he goes. (ed. note: is that too much? ha ha. sorry.)

In a related story, Tobin the Rotter has disappeared and this picture has been put on milk cartons nationwide to help find him. One source claims TtR was spotted in an airport waitiing for a plane to Siberia, MD. Also, Danica the Great recently had her portrait done by one of the finest swashbuckling artists in the Basque region, Sir Pablo Zubicasso.

What Could We Get For TASL Registration Fee? Trans Am Plus 600 beers

Have you been regretting the $1,500 we gave to TASL this year, to pay for randomly scheduled games on crappy, far-away fields? (BTW-- Kudos to captain Mike for dealing with this crap. What is a kud0?)

Have you been wondering what we could have gotten for that $1,500? Here it is. This brown beauty of a 1978 Trans Am is currently listed for $1,000 on Ebay Motors. (this is true) Three words-- Burt F***in' Reynolds.

It's waiting for us in Wake Forest. Full list of features below. Holley Valvecovers! AM and FM! Tape Player! Edelbrock 600 Endurashine Carburetor! You know what that means.

After the Trans Am, we would have $500 left. That's 250 bar beers, or at least 600 glorious store-bought cans. We would not drink them in the car, only near it, perhaps in a 7-11 parking lot while blasting Zeppelin.


The Audacious Auto could be shared among team members, 1-2 days per month, for that special date with that special someone, or at least someone.

List of Features:
VERY solid body, very easy restoration start.
New fuel pump
New plugs
New wires
New hoses
New intake gasket
New carb gasket
Edelbrock 600 Endurashine Carburetor
Edelbrock Torker II Intake
Holley Valvecovers
6X W72 heads
Pioneer AM/FM/Tape
The clock in the dash actually works

We Can Rebuild Him

Wounded Rotter Pete Farquhar has regained hope in his epic battle against injury and self-pity. With the help of modern surgery and remedial education, Farquhar underwent a 12-hour operation to insert a 7th grade shop project into his ankle. It is hoped that the aglomeration of screws and metal will allow Farquhar to return to competitive semi-professional Coed soccer, while also earning an A+ in Metal Shop I for Matthew Sturgeon, Fuquay Varina Middle School, grade 7.

With any luck, the stumbling non-profiteer will be back in action just in time to re-injure himself. In the meantime, the Rotters will soldier on, breaking alcohol prohibitions, breaking bones, break dancing, taking smoke breaks, and continuing to crush and/or tie opposing teams.

Farquhar Out Six Weeks: Rotters Season Over?

Rotter Nation was rocked today by news that Minister of Agitprop/Star Halfback Pete Farquhar will be out 6 weeks with a gruelling, swollen, puss-oozing, bruised lateral ankle sprain. Dr. Sarah DeWitt of Raleigh Foot and Ankle gave the prognosis today, or perhaps the diagnosis, whatever, but anyway she ordered Farquhar to wear annoying support devices for the rest of his natural life.

Rotter Pete will still use his nimble fingers to update these pages at irregular intervals, but there is some question as to his ability to mount the stairs to Horniblows. Will his comrades have to bring him down beers, as he drinks alone in the Minivan of Victory? Time will tell.

Farquhar joins a long Honor Roll of Rotter Wounded, including Jacob (groin, liver), Sam (knees, cardio-vascular system), Carpenter brothers (knees, lungs, sibling rivalry), Charles (something), plus the array of psychological disorders shared by the rest of the squad.

Are the Rotters like the French in '40? Or the French in '54? Or the French in '06? Will they cry, like Roberto Duran, "no mas!"? Does anyone remember Roberto Duran?

No, the Rotters don't even know the meaning of the word "surrender," or, for that matter, of most words with more than two syllables. They will fight to the last man, or the last woman, or perhaps to the last dog tied to the last fence. But they will triumph, or, better yet, tie.