Keeper Dave Flashes a Winning Smile

Even though the Royal Raleigh Rotters succumbed to the dreaded Ligers in a 3-1 loss last evening, keeper Dave Baker was still smiling. Baker put in a spectacular performance, preventing an even more deceivingly lopsided victory by the physically superior, genetically engineered half-lion, half-tiger opposition.

The lone Rotter goal was scored by Kelly Who Is Really Good, who is so really good that she thoroughly confused the Liger keeper on the play by being both in front of and behind him at the same time.

At least two other Rotter goals should have been scored by Ed Shred, at least one other by Kelly, and at least one other brilliant header by Sam should have gone in. Meanwhile, at least two Liger goals should have been called back because that blonde guy was way too all-farm to be defended by a surprisingly slack midfielder Chris "Who Took The Oxygen Out Of The Air?" Clemmons. Clearly, a 5-1 Rotter moral victory.

Also, several mysterious large metal boxes flew over the field, prompting the confused Rotters to periodically run around covering their heads and not pay attention to the ball.

The Persons in Black retired to Morrisville's only bar, Champions I, after the game. Probably for the only time ever, though it wasn't half bad -- for Morrisville.

The "loss" evened out the Rotter Fall '06 record to a pleasingly symmetrical 1-1-1.

Match Fixing Scandal Rocks Elite-PremierCoed C Division

August 23, 2006
After the 1-1 draw vs. hated rivals 'the Farce', the Royal Rotters of Raleigh had to ask each other and the heavens, "Can this really have happened without money changing hands?" As it turns out, the referee of the match was one Jean Claude Froglegs - a known French nationalist with an axe to grind. 'Froglegs the Fixer' as he is known on the other side of the pond, was recently exposed in a BBC article chronicling the Serie A scandal in Italy - and his ties with the powerful Elite-Premier Coed C division run deep. "What are you talking about? There is no conspiracy, and Burlescon- I mean, Mrs. Langdon has nothing to do with Zidane-, I mean Juvent- Rott- whatever- What?" Mr. Froglegs is quoted as saying. It is known that only three seasons ago, the team known now as 'the Farce' was called 'Le France' - pronounced "Lee Frownce". Now I ask you, is this a coincidence? I think not. It is clear to this reporter that the fix is in, and so any loss suffered by the beautiful and merciless RRR this season can only be the result of old-fashioned bribery on the part of shameless Frenchmen who will settle for tainted glory. Ouch. ps. the irony is not lost on this reporter. 76

Rotters Revenge: Trip the Daytrippers

On Tuesday night, many a Rotter brain was filled with nightmarish memories of last year's game vs. the Daytrippers. The gigantic grassy grass field at SAS soccer park. The team with a stupid name that made us run all over the green grassy grass. Having to play in Cary, where the lawns are wide, the minds are narrow, and the bars suck.

There was much Rotter dread when we learned that this year's rematch would be played in "Morrisville", which is just another word for "Cary". Would we once again have to run too much, lose to a stupidly-named team, and then find ourselves stranded in a giant suburb far from any decent tavern?

Alas, the nightmare did not come true for the Rotters this year, but instead befell the downhearted Daytrippers. The final tally was Rotters 5, DTs (who looked more like Wings fans)nil. Goals were scored by Ed Shred, Kelly Who Is Very Good, Mark the Spark, Free Willy Alphin, and someone else, I think Mike. The highlight was a brilliant header by William Alphin, off a stunning cross by Mark the Spark.

Dave was fabulous in goal, mostly because of his Spiderman shirt. He was kicked in the face several times, but felt nothing due to the powers of his super garment. Go get 'em, Spidey.

Only one argument took place, in front of the opposing goal, when the old "Who's your favorite Beatle" debate broke out. I probably don't have to tell you that the Daytrippers are the sort that prefer Paul. The Rotters are , of course, Ringo supporters, and nearly had to back their words with their fists. Luckily, the ref was a George Harrison fan, and was able to broker a peace settlement without bloodshed.

The Daytrippers tried to surrender in the second half, but the Rotters take no prisoners. As the Daytripper defense crumbled, the Rotter goals began to resemble free kicks. It was sad, really.

After the game, the humiliated Daytrippers decided to change their name, with hope that a new moniker would bring back their flagging spirits. At press time, they were still deciding between "The Penny Lanes" and "The Octopus Gardens."

Note: There have been some reports that the Rotters were drinking Killians after the game at a sports bar in a strip mall in Cary. Don't believe a word of it. The Dreaded Drinkers in Black would never do such a thing.

New Trading Cards for the Fall 06 Season