Rotters Face a Wrathful God

The Royal Raleigh Rotters were on the wrong side of divine intervention Tuesday night, with a soul-crushing 4-0 defeat at the hands of The Other Team (this reporter can't remember their name, but it was a stupid one, and only a front, see below.) Rotter goals were not scored by Will, Chris C, Aner, Hamza, Ann, Danica, Kate, Mike, Mark, Erin, Jeff, Jacob, Sam, Chris O, Suleman, Pete, and Flip Wilson. (Please let me know if anyone else didn't score.)

There was much speculation as to the true identity of The Other Team, and on the reason that The Big Man (pictured left) intervened on their side. Some posited that our foes were a lost subcomittee of the Knights Templar, who wandered to Raleigh to battle infidels such as the Rotters. Other thought they were a secret sect of Kung Fu Jesuits. Whatever their nature, The Other Team clearly had A Higher Power on their side, controlling the bounce of the ball, the refs, and the swirling dust storms that circled the parched field.

Not only did the loss end the Mighty Three-Week Rotters Dynasty, (2006 CE - 2006 CE), but it also triggered a total eclipse of the sun, to be visible today across much of the earth.

In a further sign of the coming Soccer-opalypse, North Carolina Lottery Tickets will go on sale tomorrow. The Old North State is already being punished for this trangression with drought, a plague of immigrants from New Jersey, and early exits from the NCAA tourney.

Not withstanding the lottery's clear sinfulness, many Rotters will be found tomorrow in the alleyways behind convenience stores, fervently scratching "Tic-Tac-Doe" cards, praying to an unlistening diety that the 1,000,000 to 1 odds will bounce in their favor.

Lo, these are dark times for the Rotters. But we will rise once again, to win and drink and drink some more!

Sam's Fiery Drink Party

Here are a few pics from Sam's Fiery Drink Party last month. Thanks to Sam for the fiery drinks and to Anne Kathrin for the kick-ass chili! Sorry it took me so long to get these out to the world... this moving-from-Raleigh-to-Chapel-Hill stuff really hinders me from accomplishing very important things... like drinking more fiery drinks.

V is for Rotters Victory (starring Natalie Portman and Pele)

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Federated Foreign and/or Freak Footballers rolled to an unprecedented third straight victory Sunday, crushing the Talecris Cyborg Army by a score of between 6-0 and 8-0, depending on who you ask.

Talecris Biotherapeutics official corporate slogan is "a bold vision to be the recognized global leader in developing and delivering premium protein therapies." Perhaps, but their soccer team sucks.

Sam Sam The Injured Man took revenge on the team that broke his finger with 2 revenge goals-- there's some friggin' biotherapy for ya! Apparently, Sam has two functioning legs with the season 30% over-- a good omen for the Persons In Black.

Free Willy Alphin scored one, Kickin' Kelly netted another, and Chris had no idea who scored the rest. Let's go with Pele, Sly, and two by Michael Caine. Michael Caine rules. Have you seen the original Alfie? Awesome. Burt Bacharach song at the end-- good stuff.

Some around the elite Coed C League are comparing the Rotters 3-game dominance with that of the Ming Dynasty (1368-1664 CE), and the Holy Roman Empire (843-1806 CE). Rule on, Rotters, rule on. Shine on you crazy diamonds. You built this team on Rock and Roll. You are the champions, my friends. You keep on fighting, until its time to drink beer at the end.

Refutation of a Playground Lesson

I never said Machiavelli was right
I root for the underdog in every fight
Power corrupts, and gloating's a sin
But, gosh, it certainly feels good to win.

Wanderin' Grovers Get Elmo-ed By Rolling Rotters

Continuing their dynastic dominance of the Coed C League, the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Table Tennis Society destroyed rival Wanderin' Grovers 4-2.75. Sam He Is and Mark The Spark each got a goal, but the record crowd of 14,291 were wowed by two spectacular goals from Aner "The Battling Basque" Barriola. (Not to be confused with team chaplin Jon "The Baffling Basque" Zubi.) The misspelled Grovers could only manage a goal a piece from Big Bird and Snuffleupegus, and 3/4 of a goal from Fozzie Bear.

The roaring Rotters rocketed into first place in the elite C League, and their 2-win streak is already inspriring comparisons with the Steelers of the 70's and John Wooden's UCLA basketball dynasty. Should this trend continue for the next four seasons, the Rotters will reach 40-0. The Persons in Black march into their next game with a mix of complacency and over-confidence that only the best teams can pull off.

Please note: All scores and accounts of games are estimated, and are loosely based on incoherent accounts of said games from drunk or hung-over Rotters players, relayed over insufficient telecommunications equipment. The TASL Elite Coed C League and The Royal Raleigh Rotters Ancient and Benevolent Football Club are in no way responsible for inaccuracies, lies, and grammatical errors contained herein. Thank you for reading this teeny tiny font.

Farquhar Misses Game, Gets Score Wrong

Rotter Minister of Public Relations Pete Farquhar was unable to make the Rotters' first game of the Spring 2006 season and consequently was incorrect in reporting the final score of the game. Farquhar attempted to lay blame on faulty information having been relayed to him via garbled cel phones wielded by inebriated Rotters.

The correct score was Rotters 4, Cinelli's 1.

An inebriated Farquahar is seen here wielding a garbled cel phone and relaying faulty information during the Fall 2005 season.

Rotters Begin Second Season With Crushing, Spectacular Triumph

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Ancient and Honorable Football Club took the field Tuesday night full of vim, vigour, some more vim, and a few pre-game beers. They weren't full of respect for rival and sworn enemy Cinelli's.

Their ears were still ringing with the sound of Chairman Mike's pregame email. "As we stand on the verge of getting it on tonight, let us not pretend that Cinelli's is our equal. They are not. We must treat them with the contempt they have asked for by paying a large sum of money to play against us on the worst fields, with the worst referees Raleigh has to offer."

Yes, the Rotters have no respect for any league that would have them as members. As we play against each team, we play against the entire TASL super-structure and the machinery of oppression that it represents.

As the Rotters took to the field, they were delighted to find that TASL had worked hard to seed the playing surface, and it had grown to a rich and verdant green. (Yea, right.) Erin Who Can Actually Play Soccer, Jon Jon The Englishmon, and the Flying Carpenter Brothers all responded with spectacular goals. The thugs from Cinelli's could only manage a feeble two goals. As the final horn sounded, the Rotters realized that 4 was greater than 2, and that they had in fact won a game.

With tears in their eyes, the Rotters dedicated the triumph to fallen comrade Curt Gowdy, who passed away earlier this winter. Veteran Rotters will remember how we befriended Mr. Gowdy in the early 70s, when he provided the call during our epic clashes with the Cincinatti Reds. In later years, Curt would often drop by Lions Park and cheer us on as we floundered in the mud. We miss you, Curt.

The Rotters also paid fitting tribute to "The Womens," Kate Hate, Big D Danica, and Anne Who Can. The Womens only numbered three, and had to play the entire game, a feat that would have caused multiple organ failure for many a male Rotter. Here's to The Womens!!!!