New Rotter Mascot Needed

Newly appointed Rotter mascot Willie McWilliford was arrested Sunday night in an incident involving the Lions Park port-o-let, a wide stance, and some obscure secret signals. The less said about it the better. It's especially sad because, in a one-seater port-o-let, there is virtually no chance of success. But, some good news-- McWilliford will be entering this fall's Senate race.

But, we must bravely stumble onwards-- a new msacot must be found. Each of the friendly creatures below have responded to our exhaustive national search. The winner will be chosen at the 2008 Rotter National Convention in Reno, Feb 28th. Candidates include-- Tommy the Terrible Turd, Distubing Blue Globetrotter, Sorey McSore, Eddy the Stereotypical Eskimo, Stupid Tree, Chief Iggy the Indian Stereotype, Alfred the Asparagus, and Ted the Insane Trophy:

Jeff Misquotes Lombardi, It Is Hot, A Tree Falls, A Bear Sh!ts, Steely McBeam Is Born

To quote Mr. Williford: "In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, "Let's score a f@#king goal out here already!"" Yes. Nobody would know these things happened if it weren't for this blogging cat box. They might not know I ever wore a dress, and probably don't anyway, but I can't take that chance so had to write something here.


Look at this guy! Like the bumper sticker says, "Pittsburgh: A drinking city with a football problem." Exactly. This is what the people of Pittsburgh think is inspiring - behold the new 2007 Steelers mascot, Steely McBeam. The Chicago Bears shit on this guy in the woods, suburbs, or city, wherever he goes. The Cleveland Browns don't respect him. Nothing personal Pete. He will be scrapped soon, but it is important that we learn from our mistakes, so this picture will be here 20 years from now (unless you delete it with your administrator powers). Why not call him Rusty McNuts-Chin and put penises all over his head?

Rotters Kruise and Krash in Kirby Derby

Several Members of the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Crossdressing Society recently turned out to race in the "Kirby Derby," an annual street carnival held in a small weird West Raleigh neighborhood each summer solstice.

Mike "Mama" Carpenter and Suleman "Spandex" Anwari were two Rotters clearly unafraid to explore the outer bounds of their sexuality. This reporter, for one, was impressed and, yes, a little curious.

The two semi-feminine Rotter Hotties mounted their Rotter Hot-Cycle and awaited the start of the race. The two transexual craftsmen had hastily stapled a piece of plywood to two off-brand big-wheels. How could it not work?

And, they were off! They hurtled down the hill at speeds exceeding 7 mph, but then tragedy struck! Like Icarus, like Evel Kneivel at Snake River Canyon, they had challenged the laws of nature and lost. Their craft shattered in one thousand pieces, or at least four, revealing itself to be a total piece of shit. The two hairy queens skulked sheepishly off the course, dragging their shattered vehicle behind them.

The next Rotter Shit-Mobile consisted of a door with some sort of wheels hastily nailed to the bottom. Jeff W and Chris O' Shagenassiey were set to pilot this doomed craft. Thankfully, this pair had chosen to stay within the bounds of their god-given gender. The duo and their door hurtled down the hill with suprising speed. But, inexplicable, someone had placed a "curve" halfway down the hill. What a dastardly trick! This wiley change in direction would require the ability to steer. How can one be expected to plan for such a thing? The doomed door-mobile crashed into the haybales, signifying yet another humiliating Rotter fuckup.

But, leave it to Rotter injured reserveman Jacob "Coastin'" Osten to save the day. Recycling his victorious craft from last year, a determined Jacob sailed on to victory, or at least did pretty well, I wasn't really watching at that point. Hats off to you, Dr. Osten, if you indeed won. If not, who cares.

We would be remiss not to mention William P. Alphin's clever "one-legged pirate in a wheelchair" get-up for the parade. The disabled bucaneer served as an inspiration for injured Rotters everywhere. May we heal quickly, so we can hurt ourselves again!

There Are Ping Pong Balls Above The Ceiling

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Wednesday Auxillary Football and Beer Sport Society climbed up to Horniblows after a recent Wednesday kick around, to find a rollicking band of ping pongers ponging happily in a very Rotter-like way. Yes, the kids are catching on.

This group of young pongers were paying no heed to the laws of table tennis or any other sport. Multiple bounces. Wall hits. Ceiling hits. Interrupting our pool game with insane errant shots. (We didn't mind one bit.) Like the hula hoop and methamphetamines, it's the latest craze sweeping the nation, if your nation is bars in industrial parks in north central Raleigh.

But, alas, their heedless ponging led to a pong tragedy. A rather large ponger stomped on the ball, rendering it a sad little flattish non-bouncing puck. The spirits of the young pongers were similarly crushed, until they remembered the bar and the beverages so freely dispensed there. Off they went, to continue being drunk in some other manner.

But, wait, a friendly little Horniblows gnome scampered into the Beer Sport Room, and bestowed upon Rotter left defenseman "The Lovely" Tobin an insider's Horniblows pong-related secret.

"There are ping pong balls above the ceiling," the kindly gnome whispered. And, with that, he disappeared into the meadow, or, he would have, if there was a meadow inside Horniblows.

In any case, (this is true) young Tobin climbed a chair and pushed upon a nicotine-soaked ceiling tile. And, like the obilisk at the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey, the ceiling was full of stars. Except the stars were ping pong balls. (Apparently hit up there by drunks when a ceiling tile was missing.) With great joy, young Tobin retreived a ping pong ball, and the Rotters commenced A-Pongin'. Oh Joy! Oh, thank you, friendly ping pong gnome!

A Conservative Dresser with Radical Effects

Raleigh, NC - "This dresser has moxie. Actually, I'll tell you, I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I suggest that moxie itself may be made out of the same material as this dresser." Such is the uttering of the latest Rotter uber star, Tobin "Less Finesse, More Collision" Smith, about his newly purchased dresser. "People don't realize the power of a piece of furniture like this," commented Matt "Tan on One Arm" Manning, who helped Smith pick it up the other day. "Not only does it really tie a room together, it seems to unite all the room with a spirit of virility I've not heretofore witnessed. And I should know a thing or two about virility, why just yesterday I tore this sleeve clean off my shirt in one attempt. I mean, sure, it had a starter tear and all, but, still, lesser men would have had to try twice, maybe three times, and even then, would the tear be THIS clean?! That is rhetorical, but I'll answer you anyway - no, it would not." It was unsure whom exactly Manning was trying to convince, as he stood with a rather pleading expression and pointed to his one torn sleeve.

The dresser is a one-of-kind piece carved in the likeness of Ann Coulter. "I used to be a Nancy boy, bleeding heart, health-care this, let's-find-a-tree-to-hug that until I came across this dresser," explained Smith. "It sounds strange, but this dresser not only filled the vacancy in my room but in my life as well." It may not be so far-fetched, defends team masseuse and spiritual advisor, Aly "Bono Deserves Pampering" Khalifa. "Tobin was always kind of a sissy before now. I mean, he never used actual cuss words, instead he used softened phrases, like Mother Hubbard and dog gone, you, bumface. Once, I even saw him apologize to a soccer ball because he thought he might have kicked it too hard. But now, wow, his cussing has really improved. And he's not afraid to plough right into someone, even if he misses the ball completely. In fact, I'd say everything but his actual soccer game has really come quite a long way."

All this growth does not come without concern. Increasingly, Smith has been seen around town with the dresser in tow. We caught up with him at the Sheetz on New Bern Ave. where he and the Coulter dresser were waiting for their MTOs. "People make fun of what they don't understand," dismissed Smith as he flashed a knowing smile to the dresser and pulled it closer. "We have a special relationship, and if people want to be bitches and not get it, hell with 'em. They can go eat sprout sandwiches and kiss Michael Moore's ass. Ann [Smith calls the dresser by her first name] has really opened my eyes. My Casper Milquetoast days are over."

What does all this have to do with Rotter soccer? "Very little," replied the Coulter dresser. "You got a problem with that?"

Rotters Love Them Some Soft Rock

Several Rotters have expressed interest in learning more about the rock group "Orleans," as well as the rock performer known as "Leo Sayer." We shall no longer dwell in ignorance. After minute upon minute of scouring the global information system known as the "internet," which links all of the world's computers together, allowing one to find nearly limitless information on seventies soft rock as well as a few other subjects, I have uncovered the following, which I publish here verbatim. I have also unearthed some images, including this one of Orleans, who, like the Rotters, are unashamed of manly love. It should also be noted that Orleans are not at all insecure about their bedroom furniture. (If that makes no sense to you, ask Tobin about his new dresser.)


Orleans: A Biography, by Richard Skelly
Best known for their hits "Still the One" and "Dance With Me," Orleans was founded in New York in 1972 by John Hall, Larry Hoppen and Wells Kelly. Hoppen's brother Lance joined before the group signed with ABC Records in 1973; working with producers Barry Beckett and Roger Hawkins at Muscle Shoals Studios, they released their self-titled debut later that year. In 1974 Orleans recorded a self-produced album in New York's Bearsville Studio, but ABC didn't like it and dropped the group from the label, leaving Asylum to release the album Let There Be Magic in 1974, spurring the group's first big hit, 1975's "Dance with Me." Their album Waking and Dreaming contained the hit "Still the One," which ABC-TV used as a theme song for that year. In 1977, Hall, who wrote many of the groups hits with his wife Johanna, left the group to pursue a solo career. He recorded two solo albums after signing with Elektra Records, and became something of a spokesman for the anti-nuclear power movement, helping to organize a group called MUSE (Musicians United for Safe Energy). Hall eventually worked with Jackson Browne, Graham Nash and Bonnie Raitt to organize the No Nukes concerts at Madison Square Garden in 1979.Without Hall, Orleans went through several other personnel changes before it had a number 11 hit with "Love Takes Time," from the album Forever. Though MCA's Infinity label went bankrupt in 1980, the group persevered, performing together in clubs and releasing the album One of a Kind in 1982. In 1984 Kelly died in London of a heroin overdose, and by the early '90s, Hall ditched his solo career and returned to performing with Orleans. After the group released 1994's Orleans Live, Vol. 1, and 1995's Analog Men on its own Major Record Label, Hall and the Hoppen brothers continued to tour as an acoustic trio.

Leo Sayer, A Biography
by Stephen Thomas Erlewine

{Editors comment -- note the Supertramp collaboration. I've always thought they were so much better than Tramp. And, thank God he changed his name from Gerard.}

Leo Sayer (born Gerard Sayer) had a string of highly polished mainstream pop hits in the late '70s. Sayer began his musical career as the leader of the London-based Terraplane Blues Band in the late '60s. He formed Patches with drummer Dave Courtney in 1971; Courtney used to play with British pop star Adam Faith. Faith was beginning a management career in the early '70s, so Courtney brought Patches to his former employer in hopes of securing a contract. Patches failed to impress Faith, yet he liked Sayer and chose to promote him as a solo artist. Sayer began recording some solo material written with David Courtney at Roger Daltrey's studio; the Who's lead singer liked the Sayer/Courtney originals enough to record a handful himself, including the hit "Giving It All Away." Sayer's debut single, "Why Is Everybody Going Home," failed to make any impact, yet 1973's "The Show Must Go On" hit number one in the U.K.; a cover by Three Dog Night stopped Sayer's version from charting in the U.S. The following year he released his first album, Silver Bird.Silver Bird was followed quickly by Just a Boy, which included two more British hit singles, "One Man Band" and "Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance)"; "Long Tall Glasses" managed to break Sayer into the American Top Ten in early 1975. Sayer's working relationship with Courtney was severed during the recording of his third album, Another Year (1975). The following year, he released Endless Flight, which was co-written with former Supertramp member Frank Furrell; featuring the number one singles "You Make Me Feel like Dancing" and "When I Need You," the record became his biggest hit in both the U.S. and the U.K., selling over a million copies in America. Following Endless Flight, Sayer became a fixture in the American Top 40, yet his hits began to dry up in England.Sayer began the '80s with the American number two hit, "More Than I Can Say," yet it was his last big single in the U.S. His last chart entry in America was the early 1981 hit "Living in a Fantasy"; the U.K. hits didn't stop until 1983, after "Till You Come Back to Me" scraped the charts. After laying low for the rest of the decade, he attempted a comeback in 1990 with Cool Touch, yet it fell on deaf ears.

Bonus: more Leo Sayer images, including Jumping Mime Leo, Scolding Leo, and Leo All Grown Up. He looks great:

White/Gray Team Defeats Black/Orange/Red/Green/Blue/Gray Team 1-0

A bright clear spring day, Lions Park, Sunday afternoon, 4pm. The designated start time for the Rotters weekly pickup game. Absolutely no one is around.

4:25pm: Two sub-compact cars, early 1990s vintage, pull up. Drivers sit inside, feet up on dash, listening to old metal, perhaps Ronnie James Dio. After a few minutes, they exit and begin desultory kicking around of a dog-bitten ball. They complain that no one ever shows up on time, a right they have earned by showing up only 25 minutes late.

4:35 to 5:15pm: Eleven more sub-compact cars, early 1990s vintage, pull up. Drivers exit and join desultory kicking around of the dog-bitten ball. A conversation begins, involving comparison of hangovers. Ed Shred claims mightiest hangover, Jeff W makes a counter-claim. Pete F is not present, and is thus not eligible to win. The matter is left unresolved. Four intrepid Rotters begin carrying and assembling of goals, which appear to be constructed from a dog kennel that was destroyed by a tornado. With some effort, the goals are balanced in a precarious upright position and are covered with old crabbing nets. A few Rotters enjoy pre-game cigarettes, dogs are tied to fences, and it is generally decided that it’s time to start.

5:15 to 5:25pm: A ten-minute debate ensues about the division of teams. It is decided that white and gray shirts should be on one team, with diversely-colored shirts forming the opposing team. Inexplicably, Zubi chooses the color team, even though his shirt is gray. Someone points this out and is ignored. Will shows up wearing an orange shirt, throwing off the carefully balanced teams, so Charles changes to white. Zubi remains on the colored team. Someone kicks the ball and the “game” ensues.

5:25 to 6:17pm: The first half is action-packed. JP makes repeated charges up the left wing, but Tobin repeatedly charges out to meet him, using second base as a second defender. Hamza scores between 15 and 20 goals. Everyone else pretty much watches. Danica shows up wearing a gray shirt, causing Suleman to put on his red shirt and switch teams. Zubi stays with the diversely-colored team. A dog runs on the field. Mike makes a brilliant charge up the middle, falls, and injures at least one of his legs. He limps to the sideline for a combined recuperation/smoking break. Kate shows up wearing a blue shirt, Suleman puts his white shirt back on and switches teams. Charles charges up the right wing, breaks free when Will falls down, misses the open goal and cries out in existential angst. The Rotters compete with each other to best imitate the outburst. Charles tells everyone to fuck off and sits down to have a snack. Mike rejoins the game, limping slightly. Hamza scores again and a water break is called by mutual consent.

6:17 to 6:31pm: Everyone takes a break except for Erin, who takes 47 shots on goal, and Aly, who stops 46 of them.

6:32 to 7:14pm: The second half begins slow and sloppy and becomes slower and sloppier as the evening wears on. Hamza only scores 8 goals. Mike falls again and injures at least one more extremity. Charles has another angst/snack break. A dog runs on the field. Everyone except Tobin stops running. Tobin stops running. The beer goal is proclaimed. Tobin scores the beer goal, even though he doesn’t drink beer. The final score is declared to be 1-0.

7:15 to 7:25pm: A ten-minute debate ensues about the venue for after-game beers. Several yearn for Horniblows, which is closed. Sadlacks? No, too upscale since the renovation, practically a wine bar. Players Retreat? A fine and worthy bar, but not the choice for this evening. Back to Mojo’s it is. The porch beckons—bring me your injured, your sweaty, your quasi-athletic smokers.

7:32 to 8:27pm: Beers at Mojo’s. The usual enlightened conversation and debate. It is mutually decided that George Bush, TASL, softball players, and the Capital City Market suck. Any fitness benefit from the day’s frolic is cured with the antidote of beer and cigarettes. Then the Rotters, in varying states of injury and inebriation, drift away to their scattered weekday lives.

Addendum and corrections, in response to unsolicited feedback: At approximately 6:25, Long Lost Rotter Jacob drove up in a battered Land Rover that he stole from Jane Goodall. Rotter Nation had given up on the plucky fullback, assuming that his break-dancing toe injury was career-ending. But Jacob is never afraid to return to play, especially if it's too early and there is a high risk of re-injury. Many Rotters cried. A spontaneous parade ensued, and even some softball players joined in. And then, after Charles switched to a white shirt since Jacob was wearing a black shirt, play resumed.

It should be noted that Chris Clemmons was present, having caught an early flight from Chapel Hill. He was looking particularly well groomed and his play was at all times exceptional.

It should also be noted that the evil game of softball was being played on all of the softball fields at Lions Park, causing the Rotters to wander around like wandering Rotters. Softballs rained down like mortar rounds, causing Captain Mike to flash back to his nightmarish days in the Mekong Delta in 1967. He stripped naked and ran around reciting lines from Apocalypse Now, Director's Cut. But the Rotters talked him down and helped him get dressed again, and play resumed.

Rotter Iraq Study Group Issues Recommendations

January 16-- After weeks of worldwide anticipation, the Rotters International Football and Foreign Affairs Society has issued its recommendations to for a "new way forward" for American involvement in Iraq (or is it Iran? we always get confused.) The prognostication comes from the Rotters Iraq Study Group, a multi-partisan panel of Democrats, Socialists, Anarchists, Surrealists, Whigs, and Apathetic Drunks. The plan is sure to receive worldwide attention (ie-- at least on guy in England might read them, as well as a prominent Qatarwegian academic.)

Here is the 32-point plan:

1. An "escalating surge" of 10-20 more soldiers and marines (a .00001% increase), to clear and hold neighborhoods in Baghdad. This has the same probability of success as sending 21,000, with a much lower cost.

7. A "de-escalating un-surge" or 140,000 soldiers and marines. The guys from point one will be pissed off when they find out.

5. Diplomatic missions to Syria and Iran. This will solve everything. They have always been super nice and helpful. We will bring pandas kind of like the Chinese did with us in the 70's. Syrians dig pandas.

21. Make lots of generalizations about Shiites and Sunnis.

17. Make some generalizations about the Kurds while we're at it.

3. Fire Gates, Snow, Cheney, Rumsfeld again, Rice, and the rest of the Bush cabinet once we find out their names.

8. Send 72,000 troops back in, then take 30,000 out, then send in 10,000, then pull out 40,000, then send in 8,000, then pull out 20,000. How many troops does that leave? What color are their uniforms? Explain your answer.

32. Send a diplomatic mission the the Israelis. Ask them how we can make peace in the region. Do the exact opposite of what they say.

9. Repeat step 8 with the Palestinians.

16. Ask Tom Waits what to do. That guy is cool.

12. Send in Oprah, Bono, Angelina, Madonna, and Sally Strothers (old school.) That will annoy them. Make sure Madonna doesn't steal any babies.

29. Think of a euphemism for the troop pull-out. Redeployment? Creative Cowardice? Proactive Surrender? What the Fuck Else Are We Supposed To Do?

13. Next time, invade a nicer country. That's a pretty damn ugly country. I'm just saying.

24. Learn the lessons of Vietnam-- make sure you forget everthing in thirty years and make up some bogus reason to invade another country. Act suprised and outraged when it doesn't work out.

27. Bring in some Pentagon counter-insurgency experts. They've always been really good at counter-insurgency.

30. Think of some more points, quick. Maybe have a contest where people send in points and we make a Super Bowl commercial out of the best ones.

23. Mix up the numbers so noboby knows that you couldn't think of enough steps.

Reached for comment, President Bush has stated that he is considering all options, even ones that are stupider than his own. He likes the part about the pandas.