A Conservative Dresser with Radical Effects

Raleigh, NC - "This dresser has moxie. Actually, I'll tell you, I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I suggest that moxie itself may be made out of the same material as this dresser." Such is the uttering of the latest Rotter uber star, Tobin "Less Finesse, More Collision" Smith, about his newly purchased dresser. "People don't realize the power of a piece of furniture like this," commented Matt "Tan on One Arm" Manning, who helped Smith pick it up the other day. "Not only does it really tie a room together, it seems to unite all the room with a spirit of virility I've not heretofore witnessed. And I should know a thing or two about virility, why just yesterday I tore this sleeve clean off my shirt in one attempt. I mean, sure, it had a starter tear and all, but, still, lesser men would have had to try twice, maybe three times, and even then, would the tear be THIS clean?! That is rhetorical, but I'll answer you anyway - no, it would not." It was unsure whom exactly Manning was trying to convince, as he stood with a rather pleading expression and pointed to his one torn sleeve.

The dresser is a one-of-kind piece carved in the likeness of Ann Coulter. "I used to be a Nancy boy, bleeding heart, health-care this, let's-find-a-tree-to-hug that until I came across this dresser," explained Smith. "It sounds strange, but this dresser not only filled the vacancy in my room but in my life as well." It may not be so far-fetched, defends team masseuse and spiritual advisor, Aly "Bono Deserves Pampering" Khalifa. "Tobin was always kind of a sissy before now. I mean, he never used actual cuss words, instead he used softened phrases, like Mother Hubbard and dog gone, you, bumface. Once, I even saw him apologize to a soccer ball because he thought he might have kicked it too hard. But now, wow, his cussing has really improved. And he's not afraid to plough right into someone, even if he misses the ball completely. In fact, I'd say everything but his actual soccer game has really come quite a long way."

All this growth does not come without concern. Increasingly, Smith has been seen around town with the dresser in tow. We caught up with him at the Sheetz on New Bern Ave. where he and the Coulter dresser were waiting for their MTOs. "People make fun of what they don't understand," dismissed Smith as he flashed a knowing smile to the dresser and pulled it closer. "We have a special relationship, and if people want to be bitches and not get it, hell with 'em. They can go eat sprout sandwiches and kiss Michael Moore's ass. Ann [Smith calls the dresser by her first name] has really opened my eyes. My Casper Milquetoast days are over."

What does all this have to do with Rotter soccer? "Very little," replied the Coulter dresser. "You got a problem with that?"