A Rotter's Guide to Exercise

Have you ever done "exercise"? Have you ever been running on the soccer field and you feel tired or out of breath? You were doing exercise, perhaps without knowing it. Of course, when you start to feel this way, immediately stop and rest. Too much exercise can make you dull. But a little bit can be OK, if you can stand it, and will give us an edge over the pilates-trained Rockers.

"Running" is of course one form of exercise. Some people run around tracks and on roads. This should be avoided-- it is extremely tiring and perhaps even dangerous. Veteran Rotters will recall the long-standing rule of when it is okay to run: 1) If you are on a soccer field; 2) If someone is chasing you; 3) If you are on fire.

"Lifting weights" is another form of exercise of which you may have heard. This can also be problematic-- the combination of heaviness and gravity makes this a strain on your arms, back, and psyche. It can also lead to tiredness, an all too common side effect of exercise.

So, what to do? Utilize the following Safe Forms of Exercise:

-- Darts, pool, ping pong, bowling: If you can drink a beer or Dr. Pepper while you play it, then it is probably a beneficial fitness activity. These jolly pastimes also require no running. In fact, running in bars and bowling alleys can result in injury and/or expulsion.

-- Growing a mustache: This exercises several glands in your pituitary system and makes you look suave. Pre-menopausal women should avoid this sport, however.

-- Watching sports: You can learn how to do sports by watching them. Do a short sprint to the fridge each time you get a beverage. Remember to eat Pringles.

Important: Each of these forms of exercise use up calories. As such, they are sucking away your life force. Beer and/or Dr. Pepper and french fries are the best ways to replace your life-giving calories, the more the better. It is also good to partake of a nice warm cigarette, which makes your lungs happy. They might be mad at you for making them work so hard.