Rotters Triumphantly Play Pretty Well in the Middle of the Game

It was time once again for that most momentous of coed soccer clashes, the fourth annual Rotters Rockers Slammin' Soccer Smackdown. The Rotters took time off from their holiday baking, shopping, and wreath making to face off against their dreaded rivals, the Raleigh Rockers.

"I was planning to string some f***ing popcorn and stencil my Christmas cards, " commented Rotter Mike "Captain" Carpenter. "This better be another f***ing respectable loss, like last year."

Yes, the Rotters were looking to repeat the smashing respectable loss they posted against the Rockers in 2010. And yes, the Rockers were still humiliated by their non-humiliation of the Rotters in last year's 3rd Annual Slacking Soccer Smashdown. The storied decades-long rivalry was as contentious as ever.

And so it was the Rs and the Rs took to the field and started to play a game of soccer. Big Jeremy the Rocker struck early, kicking the ball towards the goal at great velocity. There was no way in hell that any Rotter was going to get in the way of that thing, except for Aly, and he couldn't reach it. As such, the ball went into the goal and the Rockers jumped to a 1-0 lead. The Rotters soon discovered that, to stop the faster Rockers, they might have to sort of slide tackle, and then try to act like they didn't slide tackle.

Unfortunately, a guy in a yellow shirt, or "referee," showed up in the middle of the first half. "Showing Up On Time" is probably one of the rules of soccer, so this rule enforcer was frankly being hypocritical from the start. When the ball went over the lines around the field he would stop the game and let somebody pick up the ball and throw it, which just seems wrong, but the Rotters hesitantly complied. He called "hand ball" even when the Rotter player had clearly struck the ball with his forearm. Don't these yellow-shirted autocrats need at least a basic working knowledge of human anatomy? Apparently any part of the body can be declared a hand. The rules of soccer seem to shift around like surrealistic quicksand.

This referee fellow also attempted to prevent slide tackles, which forced the Rotters to act like they didn't understand the rule in question. (A portrayal that comes naturally.) This led to frequent Rocker complaints and Rotter counter-complaints. Such are the dark consequences of rules and the referees that enforce them.

And then, it happened-- the Rotters started to play pretty well! The Rockers weren't able to score, for minute upon minute. Middle fullback Pete "Solid Object" Farquhar actually got in the way of some shots. Luckily, other Rotters players were also made of impervious matter and thus able to stop shots that were kicked directly at them. Sometimes, the Rockers tried to kick the ball into the goal but missed. And of course awesome Aly "Awesome Goalie" Khalifa made many spectacular saves, which happened throughout the game, as always. And the Rotters had several good chances to score, which should have gone in the goal, but were stopped by one nefarious Rocker tactic or another.

What's more, Mario the Younger kicked a ball that went into the Rockers goal. Luckily, Mario was playing for the Rotters, who were awarded a point. Consequently, the score was 1-1, setting the stage for an extremely respectable loss.

And so it was that the Rotters vanquished the Rockers for the middle part of the game. This would have been an ideal time to proclaim Beer Goal and proceed to the Third Half at Players Retreat. Unfortunately, the Rotters fell for the Rockers clever "play the rest of the game" strategy. The referee apparently has a Secret Watch that determines how long the game should go on, even beyond the time when everyone is tired and thirsty. As a result, the Rockers continued to run around the field and try to kick the ball into the goal. The ball went into the goal several times. This resulted in more points for them. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Some will tally up the goals at the end of the game and call it a Rockers victory. Perhaps, but it was not a Rotters loss. For we shall always know that, for a glorious dozen minutes, the Rotters ruled over Old Halifax Field as the continuing titans of Capital City coed soccer.