White/Gray Team Defeats Black/Orange/Red/Green/Blue/Gray Team 1-0

A bright clear spring day, Lions Park, Sunday afternoon, 4pm. The designated start time for the Rotters weekly pickup game. Absolutely no one is around.

4:25pm: Two sub-compact cars, early 1990s vintage, pull up. Drivers sit inside, feet up on dash, listening to old metal, perhaps Ronnie James Dio. After a few minutes, they exit and begin desultory kicking around of a dog-bitten ball. They complain that no one ever shows up on time, a right they have earned by showing up only 25 minutes late.

4:35 to 5:15pm: Eleven more sub-compact cars, early 1990s vintage, pull up. Drivers exit and join desultory kicking around of the dog-bitten ball. A conversation begins, involving comparison of hangovers. Ed Shred claims mightiest hangover, Jeff W makes a counter-claim. Pete F is not present, and is thus not eligible to win. The matter is left unresolved. Four intrepid Rotters begin carrying and assembling of goals, which appear to be constructed from a dog kennel that was destroyed by a tornado. With some effort, the goals are balanced in a precarious upright position and are covered with old crabbing nets. A few Rotters enjoy pre-game cigarettes, dogs are tied to fences, and it is generally decided that it’s time to start.

5:15 to 5:25pm: A ten-minute debate ensues about the division of teams. It is decided that white and gray shirts should be on one team, with diversely-colored shirts forming the opposing team. Inexplicably, Zubi chooses the color team, even though his shirt is gray. Someone points this out and is ignored. Will shows up wearing an orange shirt, throwing off the carefully balanced teams, so Charles changes to white. Zubi remains on the colored team. Someone kicks the ball and the “game” ensues.

5:25 to 6:17pm: The first half is action-packed. JP makes repeated charges up the left wing, but Tobin repeatedly charges out to meet him, using second base as a second defender. Hamza scores between 15 and 20 goals. Everyone else pretty much watches. Danica shows up wearing a gray shirt, causing Suleman to put on his red shirt and switch teams. Zubi stays with the diversely-colored team. A dog runs on the field. Mike makes a brilliant charge up the middle, falls, and injures at least one of his legs. He limps to the sideline for a combined recuperation/smoking break. Kate shows up wearing a blue shirt, Suleman puts his white shirt back on and switches teams. Charles charges up the right wing, breaks free when Will falls down, misses the open goal and cries out in existential angst. The Rotters compete with each other to best imitate the outburst. Charles tells everyone to fuck off and sits down to have a snack. Mike rejoins the game, limping slightly. Hamza scores again and a water break is called by mutual consent.

6:17 to 6:31pm: Everyone takes a break except for Erin, who takes 47 shots on goal, and Aly, who stops 46 of them.

6:32 to 7:14pm: The second half begins slow and sloppy and becomes slower and sloppier as the evening wears on. Hamza only scores 8 goals. Mike falls again and injures at least one more extremity. Charles has another angst/snack break. A dog runs on the field. Everyone except Tobin stops running. Tobin stops running. The beer goal is proclaimed. Tobin scores the beer goal, even though he doesn’t drink beer. The final score is declared to be 1-0.

7:15 to 7:25pm: A ten-minute debate ensues about the venue for after-game beers. Several yearn for Horniblows, which is closed. Sadlacks? No, too upscale since the renovation, practically a wine bar. Players Retreat? A fine and worthy bar, but not the choice for this evening. Back to Mojo’s it is. The porch beckons—bring me your injured, your sweaty, your quasi-athletic smokers.

7:32 to 8:27pm: Beers at Mojo’s. The usual enlightened conversation and debate. It is mutually decided that George Bush, TASL, softball players, and the Capital City Market suck. Any fitness benefit from the day’s frolic is cured with the antidote of beer and cigarettes. Then the Rotters, in varying states of injury and inebriation, drift away to their scattered weekday lives.

Addendum and corrections, in response to unsolicited feedback: At approximately 6:25, Long Lost Rotter Jacob drove up in a battered Land Rover that he stole from Jane Goodall. Rotter Nation had given up on the plucky fullback, assuming that his break-dancing toe injury was career-ending. But Jacob is never afraid to return to play, especially if it's too early and there is a high risk of re-injury. Many Rotters cried. A spontaneous parade ensued, and even some softball players joined in. And then, after Charles switched to a white shirt since Jacob was wearing a black shirt, play resumed.

It should be noted that Chris Clemmons was present, having caught an early flight from Chapel Hill. He was looking particularly well groomed and his play was at all times exceptional.

It should also be noted that the evil game of softball was being played on all of the softball fields at Lions Park, causing the Rotters to wander around like wandering Rotters. Softballs rained down like mortar rounds, causing Captain Mike to flash back to his nightmarish days in the Mekong Delta in 1967. He stripped naked and ran around reciting lines from Apocalypse Now, Director's Cut. But the Rotters talked him down and helped him get dressed again, and play resumed.