Color Choices for the 2014 Raleigh Smackdown of Rotters vs. Rockers

Just a reminder of what color to wear for the Rotter Rocker Raleigh Smackdown of Soccer 2014.  Be sure to bring a black shirt and another black shirt. We will be wearing black.

Is black all of the colors mixed together, or is it the absence of color.  Are we a rainbow, or are we the endless void?  These questions, like many questions, are beyond the Rotter mind.






Some of you will remember Rotter left fullbacks Huey and Bobby (pictured above.)  A little intense, but good guys.  We always felt safe when they were around.  Huey ordered the uniforms one year, and, gosh, he really insisted on black.  He ordered too many XS, so we never let him do it again, but we are forever grateful for his influence on our color choices.



It's unclear what the Rockers will be wearing, but we've posted some predictions here.

Proclamation of the 14th Annual Rotter Rocker Raleigh Coed Super Soccer Smackdown 2014 Edition

Yes, it is once again that time to use the phrase "it is once again that time." Why?  Because it is once again that time to take on our most rivalrous of rivals, the Raleigh Rockers, in the rivalrous Rotter Rocker Raleigh Soccer Super Smackdown, that game that has a different name every time it is typed.

It will be a game of soccer.  It will be at 1pm, Sunday January 12th.  It will be played on a soccer or softball field somewhere in Raleigh.

 Many of you can remember, at least vaguely, last year's contest, in which the Rotters fulminated forth onto the field and inflicted a crushing tie upon their Rocker rivals.   This triumphant equaling has never been carved into the storied stone-tablet internet annals of Rotter history. It is herewith carved.

Can the Rotters pull off a similar crushing tie in 2014?  Can they even perhaps score more goals then the Rockers, thereby winning the game?  These things are shrouded in the mist of an unknown future.  Yet, we can mold the future with the powerful hammer of Rotter athletic determination.  Shall we once again wield that hammer, the one  that smashed the Wandering Grovers? Crushed the Tobacco Squirrels? Flattened Telecris, or whatever the hell they were called?  Shall we? Huh?

Yes, it is 2014, a year with a futuristic science fictionish name.  Some say we should be living in sky cities with jetpacks, flying cars, and robot dogs.  Yet, alas, here we are on the slushy Earth, with earthbound cars and regular dogs, or perhaps cats, or no pets at all.  That's not the point.  Maybe there is no point.  Or maybe, in a few short weeks, we can stride forth onto the slushy earth of a soccer/softball field and again bring glory to the Rotter name. 

Look in your emails or on this internet site for the location of the game.  That is important.  Also look for word of a forthcoming Secret Strategy Session. We shall harness the power of Powerpoint, and we shall be ready.

Rotters Triumphantly Play Pretty Well in the Middle of the Game

It was time once again for that most momentous of coed soccer clashes, the fourth annual Rotters Rockers Slammin' Soccer Smackdown. The Rotters took time off from their holiday baking, shopping, and wreath making to face off against their dreaded rivals, the Raleigh Rockers.

"I was planning to string some f***ing popcorn and stencil my Christmas cards, " commented Rotter Mike "Captain" Carpenter. "This better be another f***ing respectable loss, like last year."

Yes, the Rotters were looking to repeat the smashing respectable loss they posted against the Rockers in 2010. And yes, the Rockers were still humiliated by their non-humiliation of the Rotters in last year's 3rd Annual Slacking Soccer Smashdown. The storied decades-long rivalry was as contentious as ever.

And so it was the Rs and the Rs took to the field and started to play a game of soccer. Big Jeremy the Rocker struck early, kicking the ball towards the goal at great velocity. There was no way in hell that any Rotter was going to get in the way of that thing, except for Aly, and he couldn't reach it. As such, the ball went into the goal and the Rockers jumped to a 1-0 lead. The Rotters soon discovered that, to stop the faster Rockers, they might have to sort of slide tackle, and then try to act like they didn't slide tackle.

Unfortunately, a guy in a yellow shirt, or "referee," showed up in the middle of the first half. "Showing Up On Time" is probably one of the rules of soccer, so this rule enforcer was frankly being hypocritical from the start. When the ball went over the lines around the field he would stop the game and let somebody pick up the ball and throw it, which just seems wrong, but the Rotters hesitantly complied. He called "hand ball" even when the Rotter player had clearly struck the ball with his forearm. Don't these yellow-shirted autocrats need at least a basic working knowledge of human anatomy? Apparently any part of the body can be declared a hand. The rules of soccer seem to shift around like surrealistic quicksand.

This referee fellow also attempted to prevent slide tackles, which forced the Rotters to act like they didn't understand the rule in question. (A portrayal that comes naturally.) This led to frequent Rocker complaints and Rotter counter-complaints. Such are the dark consequences of rules and the referees that enforce them.

And then, it happened-- the Rotters started to play pretty well! The Rockers weren't able to score, for minute upon minute. Middle fullback Pete "Solid Object" Farquhar actually got in the way of some shots. Luckily, other Rotters players were also made of impervious matter and thus able to stop shots that were kicked directly at them. Sometimes, the Rockers tried to kick the ball into the goal but missed. And of course awesome Aly "Awesome Goalie" Khalifa made many spectacular saves, which happened throughout the game, as always. And the Rotters had several good chances to score, which should have gone in the goal, but were stopped by one nefarious Rocker tactic or another.

What's more, Mario the Younger kicked a ball that went into the Rockers goal. Luckily, Mario was playing for the Rotters, who were awarded a point. Consequently, the score was 1-1, setting the stage for an extremely respectable loss.

And so it was that the Rotters vanquished the Rockers for the middle part of the game. This would have been an ideal time to proclaim Beer Goal and proceed to the Third Half at Players Retreat. Unfortunately, the Rotters fell for the Rockers clever "play the rest of the game" strategy. The referee apparently has a Secret Watch that determines how long the game should go on, even beyond the time when everyone is tired and thirsty. As a result, the Rockers continued to run around the field and try to kick the ball into the goal. The ball went into the goal several times. This resulted in more points for them. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Some will tally up the goals at the end of the game and call it a Rockers victory. Perhaps, but it was not a Rotters loss. For we shall always know that, for a glorious dozen minutes, the Rotters ruled over Old Halifax Field as the continuing titans of Capital City coed soccer.

The Benefits of Doing a Thing Over and Over Until You're Better at It

Last Wednesday, four Rotters--Cap'n Mike, Kate "Madd" Maddalena, Chuck Longlegs Brown, and Catscratched Jeff Williford--and one Rocker interloper (who will remain unnamed in order to protect his identity although we will say that he is a "key" Rocker and talks trash and is purportedly half-Mexican but has yet to produce a long-form birth certificate) got together on the pitch and tried a new thing.

Maddalena, #.50, describes it like this: "It was kind of like homework. We tried certain skills over and over again with the hope of improving upon those skills. We did traps, shooting, and cross-passing especially.What was cool was it was low-stakes. We were, like, getting ready for a game, but we weren't really playing a game, so there was no pressure."

The results of this experiment? On Sunday, Williford (after sending ball after ball over the goal on Wednesday) managed one of the most beautiful shots this reporter has ever seen--just in the top foot-and-a-half of the net, right over the reaching grasp of the goalie. Williford's goal was rivaled only by Brown's, which "bent" in to the back corner of the box from a corner kick position. Brown was heard to say, "I think that has something to do with shooting the ball until my hip was sore on Wednesday." Williford agreed.

Cap'n Mike has decided to keep up with the trying-skills-over-and-over: every Wednesday at 7PM, just at the moment that the heat turns less deadly.

Healthy Rotters Don't Hump Trees

Help keep our ranks healthy this upcoming fall and winter so that we can defeat the Rockers on December 31 once again. Avoid immorality with trees. It doesn't even feel that good according to Martin, and he says that living with Dutch Elm disease is a real bitch too.

rotters enjoy u.s. soccer, chicken and waffles

Several Rotters gathered in an Irish pub on a recent Wednesday morning to witness the U.S. vanquish the evil empire of Algeria in a game of soccer. But this wasn't just any game of soccer: the win put the U.S. at the top of their group in the World Cup, which means they now advance to the Round of 16 to face 2006 party-poopers Ghana. Simultaneously, Jacob's favorite team England won a game against Slovenia, which likewise qualified them to move on to the Round of 16, though in a slightly less favorable position than the U.S.

While watching the excitement unfold, the Rotters pondered deep philosophical questions such as "which came first, the chicken or the waffle?" Here, Tobin discovers the answer.

Two Things At Once

These are the groups for the 2010 world cup. Choose wisely, and always root for the underdog (unless it is Spain, England, USA, or Germany). You can memorize these arrangements with the following mnemonic devices: A-murf B-kang C-usae D-gags E-ncdj F-nips G-bppc (fuck BP and Microsoft) H-ches

Study this well and you will have a great summer. It is certain that one of these teams will win, and for the record our goalie is pulling for the poorest nation in the bunch: Honduras. Do not pick against Germany, no matter who is not playing.
In a completely unrelated story, here is a 2008 retrospective of the psyche of the average RRR, in chart/graph form:

Back in the day (2008), RRR#8 had the foresight to ask some very important questions. For example, he asked, "Are you down for the 2008 Cool Ranch Doritos Rotten Squirrel Classic?" Notice our love of beer, and hatred of Chapel Hill. Some things never change.

The Rockers Frequent Fouls: Running Past the Rotters at Great Speed

The Rotters learned a new penalty during the Rotten Rocker Soccer Showdown-- it's called "offsides." Whenever a player is so discourteous as to run by another player at great speed, the fast running player is called "offsides." See the pictures below for clear evidence of Rockers running past Rotters, blatantly showing off their speediness.

Rotters Win Final, (with a Tie), after Rockers Win Prelimary Exhibition Qualifier

The momentous day had finally arrived, after months of planning, including custom t-shirts, Powerpoint presentations, and even preparatory "exercise" by some brave Rotters. The place for the epic clash was decided the night before, at 1:48 AM. Sober-minded reps for both teams decided, for some reason, to hold the game in the Great Kiwanis Swamp, a marshland in Inner North Raleigh. And finally, after too much anticipation, the Rotters and Rockers took to that muddy "field" for the crushing coed confrontation of the century.

According to the rules later agreed upon by the Rotters, the contest was divided into two 45-minute games-- a preliminary exhibition warmup qualifier that didn't really count, and a penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final. The winner of the final would be declared World Raleigh Coed Champion of 2009. In case of a tie, it was agreed that the team with the oldest average age would win.

The Rockers tore out of the gate in the first meaningless preparatory practice game with their signature blazing speed, regularly running past the quagmired Rotter defense. The Rotters frequently attempted to call a foul known as "offsides," which apparently means "running past a slower opponent very quickly." Most Rotters were not previously aware of the rule, but were nonetheless very consistent in calling it on every play. The Rockers clearly knew of the rule, but continued to brazenly run faster than the mud-spackled Rotters. With no referee present, the Rotters had to simply suffer this clear injustice with stoic stoicism.

Given all of the running, which was frankly confusing to the Rotters, the Rockers quickly racked up multiple shots on goal. But how were these shots almost mystically stopped from going in the goal? A granite wall? A Romulan forcefield? Or Aly Khalifa? Yes, it was Aly, who dove bravely at many a Rocker foot as it attempted to kick a Rocker goal. Yes, a few goals went in--- 4.5 to be precise. But given the Rockers's thousands of shots, their scoring percentage was an embarassingly low .01%. Khalifa's krushing kinetic kick-stopping will long be remembered. Rotter parents will tell the tale to their little Rotter Tots, down through the ages of tomorrow, for many years to come.

But enough about the trivial exhibition pre-season first game. Yes, the final score of this 45-minute qualifier was 4.5 to zero. But luckily, the top two teams advanced to the penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final. Several Rotters, this reporter included, had their doubts after the poor pre-season showing. There was even talk of retreating a bit early to the warm embrace of the Players Retreat and the many fine beverages served there. But we all know that Rotters only occasionally quit. And they did not on this day, instead taking their gritty gutsy gusto onto the mud-shrouded field.

And what tales are there to tell of the final game? Ah, too many to be recounted in this already too-long post. More stunning saves by Aly "The Rocker Stopper" Khalifa. More slushing in the ridiculous mud. More non-scoring by the Rotters. And, miraculously perhaps, more non-scoring by the Rockers. Zero goals, to be exact, at least according to the memories of most people present. Yes, the final score of the penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final was probably zero to zero. And, according to the rules agreed upon after the games by the Rotters, a tie falls to the team with the highest average age. Lo, after some quick mathematics, it was discovered that the well-seasoned victors were indeed the Rotters. Yes, yet another triumph in the long line of triumphs and victories and triumphs that ring down through the storied history of the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football Club and Benevolent Drinking Society.

Plans Evolve for New Year's Eve Rotter Rout

Like the Grim Reaper with his scythe--a common image associated with the Annum Outgoing--the Rotters plan to see the decade out by mowing down their doppelgangers/nemeses the RockersStrategies include:








The Stinkeye

























and



Kicking the Ass




as well as Pod Play and Pee Wee Soccer, illustrations of which are not included here for fear of detection by enemy surveillance. (There is no security issue with these two images because the Stinkeye, I mean, yeah, you see it, now what are you gonna do about it? and the Ass Kicking diagram is encrypted in Zubicode.)

A Rotter's Guide to Exercise

Have you ever done "exercise"? Have you ever been running on the soccer field and you feel tired or out of breath? You were doing exercise, perhaps without knowing it. Of course, when you start to feel this way, immediately stop and rest. Too much exercise can make you dull. But a little bit can be OK, if you can stand it, and will give us an edge over the pilates-trained Rockers.

"Running" is of course one form of exercise. Some people run around tracks and on roads. This should be avoided-- it is extremely tiring and perhaps even dangerous. Veteran Rotters will recall the long-standing rule of when it is okay to run: 1) If you are on a soccer field; 2) If someone is chasing you; 3) If you are on fire.

"Lifting weights" is another form of exercise of which you may have heard. This can also be problematic-- the combination of heaviness and gravity makes this a strain on your arms, back, and psyche. It can also lead to tiredness, an all too common side effect of exercise.

So, what to do? Utilize the following Safe Forms of Exercise:

-- Darts, pool, ping pong, bowling: If you can drink a beer or Dr. Pepper while you play it, then it is probably a beneficial fitness activity. These jolly pastimes also require no running. In fact, running in bars and bowling alleys can result in injury and/or expulsion.

-- Growing a mustache: This exercises several glands in your pituitary system and makes you look suave. Pre-menopausal women should avoid this sport, however.

-- Watching sports: You can learn how to do sports by watching them. Do a short sprint to the fridge each time you get a beverage. Remember to eat Pringles.

Important: Each of these forms of exercise use up calories. As such, they are sucking away your life force. Beer and/or Dr. Pepper and french fries are the best ways to replace your life-giving calories, the more the better. It is also good to partake of a nice warm cigarette, which makes your lungs happy. They might be mad at you for making them work so hard.

The Pod System and You

Soccer games, like the world, can be very confusing. Rules. Substitutions. Another team that is trying to score goals. Luckily, we have "The Pod System" to guide us through the swirling chaos of the forthcoming Rotten Rockin' Raleigh Soccer Showdown (or whatever it's called.)

What is "The Pod System," you ask? How can it make my life better? It is a brilliantly conceived simple yet complex strategic system. It will make your life better in every way. I am on vacation and can spend time dreaming up crazy shit.

Here is an easily digestible summary:

Pod: A grouping of one to two players that always play and sub in and out together. If your pod buddy is in, you are in. If your pod buddy is out, you are out. If your pod buddy gets injured, you injure yourself and go out. If you are the only person in your pod, go in when you are in and go out when you are out. (see One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods, below)

Anti-Pod: A pod with which you switch, subbing in and out. If your anti-pod is in, you are out. If your anti-pod is out, you are in. You need to communicate and cooperate with your anti-pod. Determine who will play which side of field, etc.

One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods: In some cases, there is just one person with whom you switch in and out. Hard to screw that up.

Pod-Switching: Pod-switching should take place every 10 to 20 minutes. Cooperate with your anti-pod on the timing of this switch. Be flexible. Rotters get tired, sometimes after 60-90 seconds of running.

Exceptions-- Spanish people beginning with "A" will play approximately 75% of the game: Alberto will play entire first half, floating around at will with defensive bias. Aner will play entire second half, floating around at will with defesive bias. The non-full-time "A" player will be in the special Pete Pod. This way, Pete doesn't have to play very hard, or well. But he will help out when needed.

Keeper Pod: Only one keeper is allowed. Zubi first half, Aly second half. When not playing keeper,Zubi/Aly will be in the Hamza Pod, as central forwards.

If someone doesn't show up: Entire system crumbles.

Forwards: Eric and Charles are One Man Inter-Switching Anti-pods, at wings. (Ed-Sue) and (Hamza-Aly/Zubi) are Anti-Pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.Middle: Alberto all first half. Aner all second half. Pods are (Pete-"A" person) switching with (Kate-Mike). Danica and Will are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods on wings. Remember: you are like ninjas.

Defendors-- Jim and Jacob are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods. (Jeff-Sarah) and (Lou-Chuck B) are anti-pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.
Got it? Feel free to email questions to: IHaveAStupidQuestion@gmail.com . Thank you for your time.

Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown 2009 is Hereby Declared

The moment of long-awaited penultimate destiny is upon us: The Second Annual Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown (RRRSSS)! We will once again determine who is probably one of the best coed soccer teams in Raleigh.

- Sport: Soccer
- Time: 1pm EST
- Date: New Year’s Eve Day, 2009
- Location: Hali-faxx field, Raleigh, NC
- Teams: Royal Raleigh Rotters vs. Raleigh Rockers
- Winner: Team with the most goals
- How to score a goal: Kick ball into goal. “Close enough” does not count.
- Prize: Trophy, pride
- Rules: Too many. These will be discussed at the Secret Strategy Session.
- What Secret Strategy Session? The one that is at 7pm, Thurs Dec 17th at DesignBox.

Before and After Game Victory Celebrations: TBA at this location some other time.

Deutsche Rotters

This post proves that the Grabingers really are in Germany as of July 2009, and that Deutschland is a beautiful place full of castles, biergartens, and forests. It is a magical place, and seems especially so when blasting through there in Sam's old '77 Porsche. So take off your skirt, cancel your manicure, grow a mustache, and fly to Germany today.