Formerly Foreign Rotters Join Team America

In a suprising move, two quasi-legal alien Rotters took on the yoke of American Citizenship this month. Jon Zubi and Aner Cheney (who changed his name upon taking the oath) both hail from the "Basque" or "Drunk" region of Spain, an area known for producing colorful malcontents.

Even more suprising are the actions that the new Freedom-lovers took after gaining citizenship. Aner headed straight to a Republican political rally, where he had the honor (?) of taking the podium with the embattled President and Vice-President. Zubi made a b-line for the nearest Hummer dealership, where he reportedly announced, "Give me the biggest one on the lot! I need to start using fossil fuels and producing hydro-carbons!"

Welcome aboard, Proud Patriot Rotters. You are suspicious foreigners no more. You are now a part of the greatest nation on the planet. I hope you will join us in conquering that planet, as well as warming it up a litte.

Physicist and Englishman Needed

Rotter corporate headquarters announced today that two critical positions on the squad will be vacated at the end of this season. Rotters O'Shaughnessy and Lowy are expected to leave the area on a semi-permanent basis this Spring, for the major metropolitan areas of Washington, DC and London, England, respectively. Though O'Shaughnessy and Lowy will always be Rotters, they won't physically be able to play on the squad on a regular basis from their remote locations. Therefore, RotterCorp is advertising two vacancies. Successful candidates should have extensive playing experience at the collegiate or professional level; must be tall and have interesting haircuts; and must have a great and insatiable liking for beer. Necessary special qualification for Lowy's position: must be able to accept all blame. Please forward resumes to Cap'n Mike at webmaster@switchedreluctance.com.

Rotters Retire #007. Must Find New Fall Guy

Jon Lowy, the premier zinc salesman in the western hemisphere, has become Jon Lowy, a decent zinc salesman in whatever hemisphere England is in. The Rotters now need a tall Englishman and a scapegoat, so the search is on. I know a tall, useless bastard from Australia (sounds like an English accent to me) so he will probably fill the role seamlessly. We must impress upon him the need for wide, badly aimed shots and poor, weak headers on offense, but I think he will do fine. The issue of the retired 007 jersey needs to be addressed. Do we burn it? Bury it? Hang it from the rafters at Lion's? It is not for me to decide. I am still hanging on to the hope that Mr. Lowy will recognize his mistake, and buy his house back, and his car, toaster and whatever else he might have sold so far. Ed Shred has been known to impersonate an Englishman in a pinch, so we should be OK - worst case. Shun Lowy!
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Rotters Rout Red Storm in Rematch Romp

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football Liberation Army (pictured above) decisively destroyed the hapless Red Storm, by a walloping 2-1 margin. Sam scored both Rotter goals. The one Red Storm goal involved some sort of cheating/injustice. There would have been many more Rotter goals were it not for even more cheating/injustice. Beers were sipped at Horniblows after the game. These Rotter wins are becoming rather routine, but nonetheless marvelous.

Many Rotters past and present turned out for Sunday's team picture. JP came all the way from Qatar, Gil Dodson came from a Halloween past, and football legend Jim Thorpe came from the afterlife. Hamza wore a mysterious disguise for mysterious reasons (Not because I didn't have a picture of him to Photoshop. Oh, no.)

Rotters Adopt Minor League Affiliate

RotterCorp International Sports Ventures, the parent company of the Royal Raleigh Rotters, has expanded into the growing and profitable world of semi-professional 5-6 year-old T-ball. The Capital Ear Nose and Throat Grizzlies (I didn't make that up) are now an official minor-league affiliate of RotterCorp.

In their first game Tuesday night, the gallant Grizzlies galloped to a 20-20 tie with the highly-touted Cubs. Given the 5-run per inning limit in the Elite Premier Salvation Army T-Ball League (EPSATBL), 20-20 ties are not uncommon. There were 2 outs in the entire 4-inning contest.

Budding T-ball superstar Emma Farquhar is batting 1.000, with a single and one run scored. In fact, the entire Grizzly squad is batting 1.000 with a single and one run scored. All players successfully rounded the bases in the prescribed counter-clockwise direction, no children were harmed, and there were no crying incidents. The Ear Nose and Throaters hope to carry their almost winning ways to Thursdays matchup with league co-leaders the Sliding Penguins.

RotterCorp hopes to turn a tidy profit from concession and gambling revenue, with at least enough income to cover Sunday post-game beverages for the Persons in Black. The Salvation Army has shown some resistance to liquor and beer sales at EPSATBL games, but RotterCorp lawyers are hopeful of winning the impending lawsuit. Luckily, SA officials have yet to notice the RotterCorp betting parlor, tucked discreetly behind the concessions stand.

Fight on, Grizzlies, fight on! The beer-starved Rotters are depending on you.

Rotters Find Jamaican Link

Several players from the Royal Raleigh Rotters Futbol and Parking Lot Keepaway Society were fortunate enough to attend the "international friendly" match between the U.S. and Jamaican national teams last night. The sold-out game was played at the SAS soccer center, directly adjacent to the extremely large field where the Rotters experienced a crushing defeat last Fall at the hands of the cardiovascularly superior Daytrippers.

The Rotters were delighted to find a spiritual equal in Jamaican Reggae Boyz goalkeeper Donovan Ricketts. Ricketts, a ridiculously tall and gangly fellow, took it upon himself to underhandedly stop play by employing Rotter-esque tactics on at least two separate occasions: once by "accidentally" tossing the ball out of the sidelines and into the stands, and then again later by falling down on the field and writhing in dramatic agony -- only to bounce back up seconds later and flash a grin at the crowd behind the net.


Let's hear it for Donovan Ricketts -- Yard Balla and Reggae Rotter!

Rotters Beat Styx Fans

Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life
From the long arm of the law.
Hangman is coming down from the gallows
And I don't have very long.

Thus was the plaintive dirge heard before Tuesday's game, sung in pure seventies harmony by Rotters foe-of-the-moment, "The Renegades."

Just what you would expect from a bunch of Styx fans.

Oh Renegades, you had it made, but then you played the Rotters. Raleigh's finest football freaks beat the stout, plucky Renegades handily, by an official 3-1 tally. However, when you add in Danica's brilliant left-footed goal, called back on an inexplicable off-sides call, that brings the total to 4-1. Considering the the lone Renegade goal was actually score by Jeff "sideways five" Williford with a beautifully executed through-the-legs f**kup, that brings the actual Rotter total to 5 goals, with a big nil left for the Rotund Renegades.

Chris "Mullet Warrior" O' Shagenessy scored his first career goal early in the contest. Aly followed with a brilliant header on a Sam throughball. And then somebody else scored, too. Don't tell me who it was, I'll think of it eventually. Maybe it was me. I actually played in the game. I may have even touched the ball, and by touching it, could have guided it into the goal. But I don't think that happened.

Did O'Shagenessy's Mullet Power cancel out the Renegade's Styx Energy? Such questions are beyond the humble Rotter mind. But we soldier on, confident in our knowledge that Journey is the best cheesy arena rock band, followed closely by Night Ranger. Styx is somewhere near the bottom, under Rainbow. And the Righteous Rocketing Rotters are a little closer to the top of the Elite Premier Coed C League with each stunning triumph.

(That reminds me - Triumph is right above Rainbow in the arena rock rankings. Right below Argent and Aldo Nova.)

The Rotters' Own Gandhi

Non-confrontative conflict resolution has never been the Rotters' claim to fame, but The Rotter' game against Netsation (the spelling of this name is controversial, as is pronunciation) proved the non-violent value system that informs #8's actions. Clemmons' unintentional foul behooved an opponent to "stryke" (I looked it up, it means "act stupid." I wonder if the Strykers know...) Clemmons faced down the potential conflict with calm aplomb. Thank goodness he hadn't had any whiskey yet.
This noble (in)action has triggered a pattern in Rotterly behavior and marks a subtle alteration of the team's (still rough, still tough, but somehow more contemplative) attitude. Proof positive is the Ear Incident, in which Sam (a Rotter who is notably more volatile when perturbed) calmly faced down a Stryker.
Gandhi would be proud.

Rotters Lose, Blame Englishman

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Gardening Society fell to 3-2 Tuesday night, with a tragic, soul-destroying 3-1 loss to the hated Strykers. Said Strykers were handed two penalty kicks, providing more evidence of the TASL Anti-Rotters Conspiracy. The retrograde Rotters are now 0-3 against the Strykers, a fact that does not sit well with the Persons in Black.

The reeling Rotters immediately looked to place blame for their two-game losing streak, and quickly settled on Enormous Englishman Jon Lowy (pictured left). The Sizeable Saxon has been absent for the last two Rotter losses, on so-called "business trips" spreading the Gospel of Zinc. Reached for comment, the Absent Anglo said, "My fault-- I was sunning my [backside] in South Beach, Miami." The Loveable Large Limey will be departing soon for his gloomy native land, thereby plunging Rotter Nation into eternal darkness and defeat.

The lone Rotter goal was score with spectacular aplomb by Ed "Shred" Shred. But the game highlight came when Sam successfully incited a Stryker yellow card by placing his finger into the ear of a female opponent. A Wet Willy, perhaps? The feisty Stryker shot back with, "Get your [fluffin'] finger out of my ear." Sam said, "Wha?" His Stryker victim repeated her profanity-laced tirade, drawing a yellow card from the esteemed Ref and inspiring moral outrage in many a Rotter. If there is one thing a Rotter hates, it's naughty language.

Despite the despair and desperation of the current situation, this reporter is certain that we will soon see a patented Rotter Rebounding Resurgence, with many, many wins, at least against the crappy teams. Rise, Rotters, rise, and answer the call of your rotten destiny!