The Royal Raleigh Rotters were on the wrong side of divine intervention Tuesday night, with a soul-crushing 4-0 defeat at the hands of The Other Team (this reporter can't remember their name, but it was a stupid one, and only a front, see below.) Rotter goals were not scored by Will, Chris C, Aner, Hamza, Ann, Danica, Kate, Mike, Mark, Erin, Jeff, Jacob, Sam, Chris O, Suleman, Pete, and Flip Wilson. (Please let me know if anyone else didn't score.)There was much speculation as to the true identity of The Other Team, and on the reason that The Big Man (pictured left) intervened on their side. Some posited that our foes were a lost subcomittee of the Knights Templar, who wandered to Raleigh to battle infidels such as the Rotters. Other thought they were a secret sect of Kung Fu Jesuits. Whatever their nature, The Other Team clearly had A Higher Power on their side, controlling the bounce of the ball, the refs, and the swirling dust storms that circled the parched field.
Not only did the loss end the Mighty Three-Week Rotters Dynasty, (2006 CE - 2006 CE), but it also triggered a total eclipse of the sun, to be visible today across much of the earth. In a further sign of the coming Soccer-opalypse, North Carolina Lottery Tickets will go on sale tomorrow. The Old North State is already being punished for this trangression with drought, a plague of immigrants from New Jersey, and early exits from the NCAA tourney.
Not withstanding the lottery's clear sinfulness, many Rotters will be found tomorrow in the alleyways behind convenience stores, fervently scratching "Tic-Tac-Doe" cards, praying to an unlistening diety that the 1,000,000 to 1 odds will bounce in their favor.
Lo, these are dark times for the Rotters. But we will rise once again, to win and drink and drink some more!
3 comments:
Their stupid name was "Netsation." They were young, fast, and had closely shaved heads. Except for the women, who were large and daunting. They were robots for Christ. They didn't like us using the "f" word (Farquhar?). One of them wanted to fight me. Does that make me evil?
I told them that "Fuck" was German for "hurrah," (I was translating Sam's exclamation as his valiant shot soared several feet over the goal and into the parking lot) but the ruse didn't work. Their torch was lit with the light of truth, I could not hoodwink them with shadow. More evidence that they were holy: their jerseys evoked the Turtle that carries the earth on its back...
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