The Rockers Frequent Fouls: Running Past the Rotters at Great Speed

The Rotters learned a new penalty during the Rotten Rocker Soccer Showdown-- it's called "offsides." Whenever a player is so discourteous as to run by another player at great speed, the fast running player is called "offsides." See the pictures below for clear evidence of Rockers running past Rotters, blatantly showing off their speediness.

Rotters Win Final, (with a Tie), after Rockers Win Prelimary Exhibition Qualifier

The momentous day had finally arrived, after months of planning, including custom t-shirts, Powerpoint presentations, and even preparatory "exercise" by some brave Rotters. The place for the epic clash was decided the night before, at 1:48 AM. Sober-minded reps for both teams decided, for some reason, to hold the game in the Great Kiwanis Swamp, a marshland in Inner North Raleigh. And finally, after too much anticipation, the Rotters and Rockers took to that muddy "field" for the crushing coed confrontation of the century.

According to the rules later agreed upon by the Rotters, the contest was divided into two 45-minute games-- a preliminary exhibition warmup qualifier that didn't really count, and a penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final. The winner of the final would be declared World Raleigh Coed Champion of 2009. In case of a tie, it was agreed that the team with the oldest average age would win.

The Rockers tore out of the gate in the first meaningless preparatory practice game with their signature blazing speed, regularly running past the quagmired Rotter defense. The Rotters frequently attempted to call a foul known as "offsides," which apparently means "running past a slower opponent very quickly." Most Rotters were not previously aware of the rule, but were nonetheless very consistent in calling it on every play. The Rockers clearly knew of the rule, but continued to brazenly run faster than the mud-spackled Rotters. With no referee present, the Rotters had to simply suffer this clear injustice with stoic stoicism.

Given all of the running, which was frankly confusing to the Rotters, the Rockers quickly racked up multiple shots on goal. But how were these shots almost mystically stopped from going in the goal? A granite wall? A Romulan forcefield? Or Aly Khalifa? Yes, it was Aly, who dove bravely at many a Rocker foot as it attempted to kick a Rocker goal. Yes, a few goals went in--- 4.5 to be precise. But given the Rockers's thousands of shots, their scoring percentage was an embarassingly low .01%. Khalifa's krushing kinetic kick-stopping will long be remembered. Rotter parents will tell the tale to their little Rotter Tots, down through the ages of tomorrow, for many years to come.

But enough about the trivial exhibition pre-season first game. Yes, the final score of this 45-minute qualifier was 4.5 to zero. But luckily, the top two teams advanced to the penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final. Several Rotters, this reporter included, had their doubts after the poor pre-season showing. There was even talk of retreating a bit early to the warm embrace of the Players Retreat and the many fine beverages served there. But we all know that Rotters only occasionally quit. And they did not on this day, instead taking their gritty gutsy gusto onto the mud-shrouded field.

And what tales are there to tell of the final game? Ah, too many to be recounted in this already too-long post. More stunning saves by Aly "The Rocker Stopper" Khalifa. More slushing in the ridiculous mud. More non-scoring by the Rotters. And, miraculously perhaps, more non-scoring by the Rockers. Zero goals, to be exact, at least according to the memories of most people present. Yes, the final score of the penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final was probably zero to zero. And, according to the rules agreed upon after the games by the Rotters, a tie falls to the team with the highest average age. Lo, after some quick mathematics, it was discovered that the well-seasoned victors were indeed the Rotters. Yes, yet another triumph in the long line of triumphs and victories and triumphs that ring down through the storied history of the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football Club and Benevolent Drinking Society.