This Is The Royal Raleigh Rotters Website

Rotters Triumphantly Play Pretty Well in the Middle of the Game

2011-12-27T11:53:00.015-05:00

It was time once again for that most momentous of coed soccer clashes, the fourth annual Rotters Rockers Slammin' Soccer Smackdown. The Rotters took time off from their holiday baking, shopping, and wreath making to face off against their dreaded rivals, the Raleigh Rockers.

"I was planning to string some f***ing popcorn and stencil my Christmas cards, " commented Rotter Mike "Captain" Carpenter. "This better be another f***ing respectable loss, like last year."

Yes, the Rotters were looking to repeat the smashing respectable loss they posted against the Rockers in 2010. And yes, the Rockers were still humiliated by their non-humiliation of the Rotters in last year's 3rd Annual Slacking Soccer Smashdown. The storied decades-long rivalry was as contentious as ever.

And so it was the Rs and the Rs took to the field and started to play a game of soccer. Big Jeremy the Rocker struck early, kicking the ball towards the goal at great velocity. There was no way in hell that any Rotter was going to get in the way of that thing, except for Aly, and he couldn't reach it. As such, the ball went into the goal and the Rockers jumped to a 1-0 lead. The Rotters soon discovered that, to stop the faster Rockers, they might have to sort of slide tackle, and then try to act like they didn't slide tackle.

Unfortunately, a guy in a yellow shirt, or "referee," showed up in the middle of the first half. "Showing Up On Time" is probably one of the rules of soccer, so this rule enforcer was frankly being hypocritical from the start. When the ball went over the lines around the field he would stop the game and let somebody pick up the ball and throw it, which just seems wrong, but the Rotters hesitantly complied. He called "hand ball" even when the Rotter player had clearly struck the ball with his forearm. Don't these yellow-shirted autocrats need at least a basic working knowledge of human anatomy? Apparently any part of the body can be declared a hand. The rules of soccer seem to shift around like surrealistic quicksand.

This referee fellow also attempted to prevent slide tackles, which forced the Rotters to act like they didn't understand the rule in question. (A portrayal that comes naturally.) This led to frequent Rocker complaints and Rotter counter-complaints. Such are the dark consequences of rules and the referees that enforce them.

And then, it happened-- the Rotters started to play pretty well! The Rockers weren't able to score, for minute upon minute. Middle fullback Pete "Solid Object" Farquhar actually got in the way of some shots. Luckily, other Rotters players were also made of impervious matter and thus able to stop shots that were kicked directly at them. Sometimes, the Rockers tried to kick the ball into the goal but missed. And of course awesome Aly "Awesome Goalie" Khalifa made many spectacular saves, which happened throughout the game, as always. And the Rotters had several good chances to score, which should have gone in the goal, but were stopped by one nefarious Rocker tactic or another.

What's more, Mario the Younger kicked a ball that went into the Rockers goal. Luckily, Mario was playing for the Rotters, who were awarded a point. Consequently, the score was 1-1, setting the stage for an extremely respectable loss.

And so it was that the Rotters vanquished the Rockers for the middle part of the game. This would have been an ideal time to proclaim Beer Goal and proceed to the Third Half at Players Retreat. Unfortunately, the Rotters fell for the Rockers clever "play the rest of the game" strategy. The referee apparently has a Secret Watch that determines how long the game should go on, even beyond the time when everyone is tired and thirsty. As a result, the Rockers continued to run around the field and try to kick the ball into the goal. The ball went into the goal several times. This resulted in more points for them. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Some will tally up the goals at the end of the game and call it a Rockers victory. Perhaps, but it was not a Rotters loss. For we shall always know that, for a glorious dozen minutes, the Rotters ruled over Old Halifax Field as the continuing titans of Capital City coed soccer.

The Benefits of Doing a Thing Over and Over Until You're Better at It

2011-06-06T08:29:00.003-05:00

Last Wednesday, four Rotters--Cap'n Mike, Kate "Madd" Maddalena, Chuck Longlegs Brown, and Catscratched Jeff Williford--and one Rocker interloper (who will remain unnamed in order to protect his identity although we will say that he is a "key" Rocker and talks trash and is purportedly half-Mexican but has yet to produce a long-form birth certificate) got together on the pitch and tried a new thing.

Maddalena, #.50, describes it like this: "It was kind of like homework. We tried certain skills over and over again with the hope of improving upon those skills. We did traps, shooting, and cross-passing especially.What was cool was it was low-stakes. We were, like, getting ready for a game, but we weren't really playing a game, so there was no pressure."

The results of this experiment? On Sunday, Williford (after sending ball after ball over the goal on Wednesday) managed one of the most beautiful shots this reporter has ever seen--just in the top foot-and-a-half of the net, right over the reaching grasp of the goalie. Williford's goal was rivaled only by Brown's, which "bent" in to the back corner of the box from a corner kick position. Brown was heard to say, "I think that has something to do with shooting the ball until my hip was sore on Wednesday." Williford agreed.

Cap'n Mike has decided to keep up with the trying-skills-over-and-over: every Wednesday at 7PM, just at the moment that the heat turns less deadly.

Healthy Rotters Don't Hump Trees

2010-08-06T12:26:00.030-05:00

Help keep our ranks healthy this upcoming fall and winter so that we can defeat the Rockers on December 31 once again. Avoid immorality with trees. It doesn't even feel that good according to Martin, and he says that living with Dutch Elm disease is a real bitch too.

rotters enjoy u.s. soccer, chicken and waffles

2010-06-25T12:20:00.002-05:00

Several Rotters gathered in an Irish pub on a recent Wednesday morning to witness the U.S. vanquish the evil empire of Algeria in a game of soccer. But this wasn't just any game of soccer: the win put the U.S. at the top of their group in the World Cup, which means they now advance to the Round of 16 to face 2006 party-poopers Ghana. Simultaneously, Jacob's favorite team England won a game against Slovenia, which likewise qualified them to move on to the Round of 16, though in a slightly less favorable position than the U.S.

While watching the excitement unfold, the Rotters pondered deep philosophical questions such as "which came first, the chicken or the waffle?" Here, Tobin discovers the answer.

Two Things At Once

2010-05-25T01:36:00.010-05:00

These are the groups for the 2010 world cup. Choose wisely, and always root for the underdog (unless it is Spain, England, USA, or Germany). You can memorize these arrangements with the following mnemonic devices: A-murf B-kang C-usae D-gags E-ncdj F-nips G-bppc (fuck BP and Microsoft) H-ches

Study this well and you will have a great summer. It is certain that one of these teams will win, and for the record our goalie is pulling for the poorest nation in the bunch: Honduras. Do not pick against Germany, no matter who is not playing.
In a completely unrelated story, here is a 2008 retrospective of the psyche of the average RRR, in chart/graph form:

Back in the day (2008), RRR#8 had the foresight to ask some very important questions. For example, he asked, "Are you down for the 2008 Cool Ranch Doritos Rotten Squirrel Classic?" Notice our love of beer, and hatred of Chapel Hill. Some things never change.

The Rockers Frequent Fouls: Running Past the Rotters at Great Speed

2010-01-03T14:37:00.010-05:00

The Rotters learned a new penalty during the Rotten Rocker Soccer Showdown-- it's called "offsides." Whenever a player is so discourteous as to run by another player at great speed, the fast running player is called "offsides." See the pictures below for clear evidence of Rockers running past Rotters, blatantly showing off their speediness.

Rotters Win Final, (with a Tie), after Rockers Win Prelimary Exhibition Qualifier

2010-01-02T13:51:00.018-05:00

The momentous day had finally arrived, after months of planning, including custom t-shirts, Powerpoint presentations, and even preparatory "exercise" by some brave Rotters. The place for the epic clash was decided the night before, at 1:48 AM. Sober-minded reps for both teams decided, for some reason, to hold the game in the Great Kiwanis Swamp, a marshland in Inner North Raleigh. And finally, after too much anticipation, the Rotters and Rockers took to that muddy "field" for the crushing coed confrontation of the century.

According to the rules later agreed upon by the Rotters, the contest was divided into two 45-minute games-- a preliminary exhibition warmup qualifier that didn't really count, and a penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final. The winner of the final would be declared World Raleigh Coed Champion of 2009. In case of a tie, it was agreed that the team with the oldest average age would win.

The Rockers tore out of the gate in the first meaningless preparatory practice game with their signature blazing speed, regularly running past the quagmired Rotter defense. The Rotters frequently attempted to call a foul known as "offsides," which apparently means "running past a slower opponent very quickly." Most Rotters were not previously aware of the rule, but were nonetheless very consistent in calling it on every play. The Rockers clearly knew of the rule, but continued to brazenly run faster than the mud-spackled Rotters. With no referee present, the Rotters had to simply suffer this clear injustice with stoic stoicism.

Given all of the running, which was frankly confusing to the Rotters, the Rockers quickly racked up multiple shots on goal. But how were these shots almost mystically stopped from going in the goal? A granite wall? A Romulan forcefield? Or Aly Khalifa? Yes, it was Aly, who dove bravely at many a Rocker foot as it attempted to kick a Rocker goal. Yes, a few goals went in--- 4.5 to be precise. But given the Rockers's thousands of shots, their scoring percentage was an embarassingly low .01%. Khalifa's krushing kinetic kick-stopping will long be remembered. Rotter parents will tell the tale to their little Rotter Tots, down through the ages of tomorrow, for many years to come.

But enough about the trivial exhibition pre-season first game. Yes, the final score of this 45-minute qualifier was 4.5 to zero. But luckily, the top two teams advanced to the penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final. Several Rotters, this reporter included, had their doubts after the poor pre-season showing. There was even talk of retreating a bit early to the warm embrace of the Players Retreat and the many fine beverages served there. But we all know that Rotters only occasionally quit. And they did not on this day, instead taking their gritty gutsy gusto onto the mud-shrouded field.

And what tales are there to tell of the final game? Ah, too many to be recounted in this already too-long post. More stunning saves by Aly "The Rocker Stopper" Khalifa. More slushing in the ridiculous mud. More non-scoring by the Rotters. And, miraculously perhaps, more non-scoring by the Rockers. Zero goals, to be exact, at least according to the memories of most people present. Yes, the final score of the penultimate "for all the marbles" premier championship final was probably zero to zero. And, according to the rules agreed upon after the games by the Rotters, a tie falls to the team with the highest average age. Lo, after some quick mathematics, it was discovered that the well-seasoned victors were indeed the Rotters. Yes, yet another triumph in the long line of triumphs and victories and triumphs that ring down through the storied history of the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football Club and Benevolent Drinking Society.

Plans Evolve for New Year's Eve Rotter Rout

2009-12-30T14:45:00.008-05:00

Like the Grim Reaper with his scythe--a common image associated with the Annum Outgoing--the Rotters plan to see the decade out by mowing down their doppelgangers/nemeses the RockersStrategies include:

The Stinkeye

and

Kicking the Ass

as well as Pod Play and Pee Wee Soccer, illustrations of which are not included here for fear of detection by enemy surveillance. (There is no security issue with these two images because the Stinkeye, I mean, yeah, you see it, now what are you gonna do about it? and the Ass Kicking diagram is encrypted in Zubicode.)

A Rotter's Guide to Exercise

2009-12-23T12:24:00.006-05:00

Have you ever done "exercise"? Have you ever been running on the soccer field and you feel tired or out of breath? You were doing exercise, perhaps without knowing it. Of course, when you start to feel this way, immediately stop and rest. Too much exercise can make you dull. But a little bit can be OK, if you can stand it, and will give us an edge over the pilates-trained Rockers.

"Running" is of course one form of exercise. Some people run around tracks and on roads. This should be avoided-- it is extremely tiring and perhaps even dangerous. Veteran Rotters will recall the long-standing rule of when it is okay to run: 1) If you are on a soccer field; 2) If someone is chasing you; 3) If you are on fire.

"Lifting weights" is another form of exercise of which you may have heard. This can also be problematic-- the combination of heaviness and gravity makes this a strain on your arms, back, and psyche. It can also lead to tiredness, an all too common side effect of exercise.

So, what to do? Utilize the following Safe Forms of Exercise:

-- Darts, pool, ping pong, bowling: If you can drink a beer or Dr. Pepper while you play it, then it is probably a beneficial fitness activity. These jolly pastimes also require no running. In fact, running in bars and bowling alleys can result in injury and/or expulsion.

-- Growing a mustache: This exercises several glands in your pituitary system and makes you look suave. Pre-menopausal women should avoid this sport, however.

-- Watching sports: You can learn how to do sports by watching them. Do a short sprint to the fridge each time you get a beverage. Remember to eat Pringles.

Important: Each of these forms of exercise use up calories. As such, they are sucking away your life force. Beer and/or Dr. Pepper and french fries are the best ways to replace your life-giving calories, the more the better. It is also good to partake of a nice warm cigarette, which makes your lungs happy. They might be mad at you for making them work so hard.

The Pod System and You

2009-12-22T10:20:00.005-05:00

Soccer games, like the world, can be very confusing. Rules. Substitutions. Another team that is trying to score goals. Luckily, we have "The Pod System" to guide us through the swirling chaos of the forthcoming Rotten Rockin' Raleigh Soccer Showdown (or whatever it's called.)

What is "The Pod System," you ask? How can it make my like better? It is a brilliantly conceived simple yet complex strategic system. It will make your life better in every way. I am on vacation and can spend time dreaming up crazy shit.

Here is an easily digestible summary:

Pod: A grouping of one to two players that always play and sub in and out together. If your pod buddy is in, you are in. If your pod buddy is out, you are out. If your pod buddy gets injured, you injure yourself and go out. If you are the only person in your pod, go in when you are in and go out when you are out. (see One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods, below)

Anti-Pod: A pod with which you switch, subbing in and out. If your anti-pod is in, you are out. If your anti-pod is out, you are in. You need to communicate and cooperate with your anti-pod. Determine who will play which side of field, etc.

One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods: In some cases, there is just one person with whom you switch in and out. Hard to screw that up.

Pod-Switching: Pod-switching should take place every 10 to 20 minutes. Cooperate with your anti-pod on the timing of this switch. Be flexible. Rotters get tired, sometimes after 60-90 seconds of running.

Exceptions-- Spanish people beginning with "A" will play approximately 75% of the game: Alberto will play entire first half, floating around at will with defensive bias. Aner will play entire second half, floating around at will with defesive bias. The non-full-time "A" player will be in the special Pete Pod. This way, Pete doesn't have to play very hard, or well. But he will help out when needed.

Keeper Pod: Only one keeper is allowed. Zubi first half, Aly second half. When not playing keeper,Zubi/Aly will be in the Hamza Pod, as central forwards.

If someone doesn't show up: Entire system crumbles.

Forwards: Eric and Charles are One Man Inter-Switching Anti-pods, at wings. (Ed-Sue) and (Hamza-Aly/Zubi) are Anti-Pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.Middle: Alberto all first half. Aner all second half. Pods are (Pete-"A" person) switching with (Kate-Mike). Danica and Will are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods on wings. Remember: you are like ninjas.

Defendors-- Jim and Jacob are One-Person Inter-Switching Anti-Pods. (Jeff-Sarah) and (Lou-Chuck B) are anti-pods. Remember: you are like ninjas.
Got it? Feel free to email questions to: IHaveAStupidQuestion@gmail.com . Thank you for your time.

Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown 2009 is Hereby Declared

2009-12-15T20:13:00.008-05:00

The moment of long-awaited penultimate destiny is upon us: The Second Annual Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown (RRRSSS)! We will once again determine who is probably one of the best coed soccer teams in Raleigh.

- Sport: Soccer
- Time: 1pm EST
- Date: New Year’s Eve Day, 2009
- Location: Hali-faxx field, Raleigh, NC
- Teams: Royal Raleigh Rotters vs. Raleigh Rockers
- Winner: Team with the most goals
- How to score a goal: Kick ball into goal. “Close enough” does not count.
- Prize: Trophy, pride
- Rules: Too many. These will be discussed at the Secret Strategy Session.
- What Secret Strategy Session? The one that is at 7pm, Thurs Dec 17th at DesignBox.

Before and After Game Victory Celebrations: TBA at this location some other time.

Deutsche Rotters

2009-07-27T13:37:00.018-05:00

This post proves that the Grabingers really are in Germany as of July 2009, and that Deutschland is a beautiful place full of castles, biergartens, and forests. It is a magical place, and seems especially so when blasting through there in Sam's old '77 Porsche. So take off your skirt, cancel your manicure, grow a mustache, and fly to Germany today.

Summer Doldrums and a Hilarious Blog

2009-06-23T11:17:00.007-05:00

The Rotters continue to "play" (that is, walk wearily up and down the field after the ball) in the heat of the summer, Wednesdays and Sundays.

Some minor differences: fewer loogies, more difficulty breathing, less running, more sweat.

A team fearing heat exhaustion might take some hints from the immortal Barcelona and try short passes...

For inspiration, check out some Expat hilarity from Nicholas Whitley, a Rotter in spirit, for sure. In his most recent post, he describes the cultural phenomenon that is Barca:
NowAin'tThatSome$#!&.

Team With Long Pants Triumphant in Rotter Bowl II

2009-03-02T09:00:00.002-05:00

Like lightning on a dreary February afternoon, the Team With Long Pants and Charles Who Wore Shorts triumphed 7-5 over the Team With Shorts and Jeff Who Wore Long Pants. But both teams were triumphant over the inclimateness of the weather and their own impairment. Only the length of their pants separated them.

Recap: People ran around, occasionally landing in large puddles. They kicked the ball, sometimes to each other. People scored goals. Pete scored, Charles scored, Chris O' scored in the wrong goal, Ed probably scored, and maybe Mike. One team scored 7 while the other scored 5. The team with 7 won. Lou Poletta returned from three years on injured reserve. Jacob returned from a shorter injury break. Both experienced no re-injury, miraculously.

The pre-game and post-game victory celebrations and the post-post-game Victory Lunch Brunch were sucessfully celebratory. After the game, Chris 'O won a Wii Bunny Game Showdown, over Jeff, who is frankly not a very good Wii player. The keg defeated several Rotters. There was lots of chili Saturday night and lots of Zubi Food Sunday morning. We are grateful to Zubi for his extreme brunchiness.

A tragic aspect of Rotter Bowl II was the extreme absentness of many many Weather Wussys. The list of non-participant shame: Pete for half of the game, Chris "group shower" Clemmons, Kate (showed up post-game), Danica, Jim P, Jeremy, Other Jeremy, Fern, Guy Who Fell in Ditch and Never Came Back, Guy With No Shoes From Fletcher, The Other Aly, Rick Hicks, Scott, Chuck Brown, all Raleigh Rockers, all Tobacco Squirrels, Others Who I Have Forgotten. Written excuses will be required, from a medical doctor or spouse.

But the determined few who showed displayed the Iron Rotter Will to play and drink and eat. Hooray for us.

The Images Of Rotter Bowl II, Captured in Pictures

2009-03-02T08:52:00.002-05:00

Rotter Bowl II Proclaimed

2009-02-24T06:38:00.005-05:00

It is hereby proclaimed that Rotter Bowl II will take place this coming Saturday, February 28, according to the following schedule:

- Pregame victory celebration at 2:30pm (bloody marys are a preferred beverage choice but complete freedom is encouraged) at Aly and Beth's house, 617 Kirby St.

- Pre-victory procession to field at 3:55pm

- "Game" at 4pm, on upper "fields" at Dorothea Dix

- Postgame victory celebration and awards ceremony at Aly and Beth's at 6:20pm

- Post post-game victory recovery brunch lunch, noon, Sunday, Jon Zubi's house, Boundary St., potluck, probably more bloody marys.

What you need to know:

Rotter Bowl has been played for twos and twos of years.

It differs from a typical Sunday game in that:

- It is played on a Saturday

- It is an excellent opportunity to use Roman numerals and celebrate Freedom

- Real size goals, field, etc.

- We keep score, as best we can

- Pre- and post-game celebrations

- Awards and prizes for all participants

- Some participants wear wigs, dress like Germans, or sport semi-formal attire

- Models take pictures of us (I don't understand either)

***Bring a white and a dark shirt. Orange and yellow are not dark. Gray is not white. Feel free to ignore this.

It is rumored that this is Comrade JP's last game with us for a while, given his impending move to somewhere called "Portland," which is not in Wake County. He and Sally apparently like places with either not enough rain or way too much.

Hope to see you there.

Khalifa Keeps Clean Sheet, Rotters Tie

2009-01-07T01:53:00.033-05:00

The Battle for the Capital - Raleigh Rockers V. Raleigh Rotters

The first annual Raleigh Derby was played last Wednesday (12/31) on the hellish-yet-decent upper field at Dorothea Dix. The wind was on our side, but at 35 mph it didn't seem like it wanted to be, and RRRs Hamza and Mosca were nowhere around. It was 14 on 14, and a couple of the Rockers' players thought it was OK to tackle people and run really hard, but we did tie them according to an official score keeper (who got it wrong**).

Along with the Rotten Squirrel Classic and The Rotterbowl, this game represents nearly 1/2 of a TASL season, thus saving us a pile of money and the aggravation of dealing with such a group of clowns each year. EAT OUR SHORTS, TASL!

The Rotter defense and goalie allowed 3 or 4* goals in the first half, all well deserved, Ed banged the hell out of the opposing crossbar early, and Zubi scored a goal that was so garbage he didn't even want to talk about it later. Kate played very well in the mid, and Eric blocked a good shot by #8 Chris Clemmons.

We completely dominated the second half with Aly in goal, but because we were playing a 4 striker line-up, only scored once. Final score 3 to 3. No penalty kick shootouts, overtime, nothing. We tied the Raleigh Rockers last Wednesday.

So, we are still the champs! Now what we need is a drinking song and a coach. Somebody talk to Koatx about coming back - maybe we are ready for his radical O-formation at long last.

Space-Time Continuum Troubles are Over

2008-11-09T19:45:00.002-05:00

For those of you who haven't been out to play lately, the Large Hadron Collider over there in France has, apparently, created some kind of Hawking Radiation, black hole decay-related "wrinkle in time" that has wreaked havoc on our game. Some crazy feces (censorship for Pete "Clean Blog a.k.a. Big Wuss" Farquhar) went down.

Space-time trouble # 1:
Some people from a parallel universe--a space-time thread similar to our own in which the Rotters are younger, faster, and more attractive than the ones in this space-time thread--started showing up at our game. They were nice and all (they really were. And hot, too), but they made our numbers 30+, not to mention stretching the very fabric of reality to the point of breaking. The problem was resolved before any major vortices formed. I suspect that our own physicist, Christopher O' Shagnasty himself, intervened from up there in DC at his reactor-thingy.

Space-time trouble #2:
The time-wrinkle is all solved, except for a one-hour lag. For some reason Chris's adjustments made it so that the sun sets an hour earlier. Our response to this will be: START TIME FOR SUNDAY IS NOW 3 PM. Tell the other Rotters.

A Footnote: this article has not yet been sent for peer review. The hypotheses detailed here are speculative.

God of Thunder-0, Rotters-1

2008-07-07T05:34:00.004-05:00

The Rotters proved that the old Norse gods equate idiocy with bravery on Saturday when they took to the pitch in the middle of a thunder and lightning storm.

Several Rotters were wise enough to take shelter and wait it out, this reporter included. No gender-insensitive jokes should be made here, however, for although one such "coward" WAS a woman (and I only hid in the cab of a truck in order to more objectively report on events as they unfolded, though the wind and rain quickly turned the windshield scene into something like the front view out of a whitewater raft. It should be noted that Khalifa and Dridi scored goals in the melee), one was the proud father of daughters.

Jesse Helms, recently arrived in the Afterworld and visiting Valhalla, could be heard above the thunder, screaming "kill those liberal [expletive]s!!" Thor rolled his eyes, commented on the ineffectual new belief systems and cushy repentance clauses which allowed men like Helms into the upper regions of the Afterworld, and hurled a thunderbolt a little to the left of the pitch. "You missed on purpose!!" Helms cried.

After Thor backed down in the face of Rotter defiance, the others took the field and braved a soaking rain. Though the true battle was certainly (hu)man vs. nature, the wettest team won the day.

Let Us Eat Squirrel

2008-06-12T23:03:00.016-05:00

It isn't surprising that we have been challenged by the Chapel Hill Tobacco Squirrels. They have nothing to lose, and we are ancient and benevolent champions. Chris says they are mostly girls, which leads some of us to imagine something like this:

That would be intimidating, but the truth is that the tarheel lady-rats are nothing to capital city scoundrels like us. So what if they have political connections and a winning basketball team? Word is they have been talking some shit; should we take out a page in the Herald Sun? It probably only costs like $10. What else can we do but show up, crush their dreams, and rip down the unicorn posters off of their walls. We should play an upside-down Christmas tree with Hamza in goal and Suleman the lone defender. Then maybe they would learn to fear the mighty and treacherous RRR. With that said we better not lose. Especially at Lion's. . .

Germans Sell Van of Freedom, Flee Country

2008-03-19T21:54:00.008-05:00

The Van of Freedom. At first glance, just another late twentieth century Detroit design failure. But if you squint just a little, you can see the red and blue stripes across the white background, some stars, and perhaps the hint of an eagle's head on the driver's side door. Driven across desert, prarie, and fruited plains, it broke down only occasionally, and Mormons were always on hand to push it out of the ditch. It runs smoothly, except between 35 and 55 mph, but what matter a few knocks and pings when you are riding in the lap of Liberty.

But then it was time for the Grabingers to return to the Old World-- time to pawn off this John Wayne of family vehicles. Blue Book value? $3,400, as Sam has told us all dozens of times. That boy sure knows his Blue Book. Even at this bargain price, the American People would not buy. Like TS Elliot and David Hasselhoff, the Van of Freedom is under-appreciated in its native land. The price fell to $1,800. Buyers tried to negotiate exotic leveraged purchase deals using transatlantic remittances. Sam stood by his car and his price. Finally, with one day left before the Great Immigration, he caved. $1,350, to a man from Angier. Detroit weeps. What's worse, Sam will soon convert these honest greenbacks into "Euros," some multi-colored form of money invented by Belgians.

Weep not, Rotters. We will see them soon, here, there, or perhaps at a neutral location like Iceland. They have bars there. The Atlantic Ocean is but a puddle within the confines of the ever expanding Rotter Empire.

Germans Have 7th Going Away Party

2008-03-19T21:23:00.007-05:00

We gathered once more at the Grabinger estate in bucolic Johnston County. It was the same as it always has been, except different. An illusionist set up in the garage, doing his dark work, the devil's artisan come to deceive fuzzy Rotter minds. He made cards appear. He made them disappear. He made Mike's cigarette disappear. He made other stuff appear and disappear. He made people come up with stupid theories about how he did it all. We were confused, and we liked it.

Then, a new honorary Rotter named Tinker began to stoke the fire with diesel, an old Johnston County fire tending trick. You can just barely see him in the picture above, given his stealthy use of camouflage. Tinker would occasionally drift in from the woods, throw some petrochemical on the fire, and the melt away back into the wilderness. Was he too a devil's artisan?

Such was the 7th or perhaps 8th going away party for the glorious Grabingers. The meat, the beer, Brian, the pretzels, the large drinking vessels. This was one last party in their honor, if you don't count the four or five others that would happen in the weeks ahead. Our hearts will miss you, but our livers will be glad to see you go.

Rotter Bowl One Article, Business Cliche Version

2008-03-09T12:12:00.004-05:00

(standard English version further down in blog)

Responding to first quarter market changes, RRR LLC re-branded its Sunday pickup game as "Rotter Bowl I," a high-potential entrepreneurial concept that will be leveraged into game-changing innovation in the recreational sports submarket space. RRR positioned its new brand by leveraging pre- and post-game beer to enhance the consumer experience. The Rotters showed that they can move nimbly within the superstructure of this new space, leveraging their entrepreneurial re-branding to enhance their positioning in the global marketplace going forward. At the end of the day, the learnings from this spinoff venture will be leveraged to inform future startups, and will produce extensive new-media and old-media content to build brand recognition and loyalty.

What Might Have Happened at Rotter Bowl I

2008-03-09T10:57:00.004-05:00

Skillful play. Stunning acts of athleticism. Mind-boggling goals. These things might have happened at the historic first Rotter Bowl, held February 17th, 2008 CE.

Several innovative Rotters met before the game at Rotter Aly and Rotter Enabler Beth's house, to test the theory that holding a victory celebration before the game would guarantee a victory for at least one side. How can a victory not result, if it has already been celebrated? This type of logic persisted for the entire day, and in fact the hallmark of the cunning Rotter Mind.

Rotter Bowl was unique among Rotter/Bloody Mary Sunday games, in that a "score" was kept and one team "won" by accumulating more points than the other team. There was initially some debate whether the greater or lesser score should prevail, but it was decided that neither golf nor Uno were being played, and thus the higher total should carry the day.

There were other anomalies. Each team almost wore the same color. There were costumes-- pimp, redneck, semi-formal guy, wigged-Aly, strangely-dressed Ty. The field was almost full size. The goal was full size and rectangular, in contrast to the traditional rhombus-shaped undersized goals favored at Lions Park. Lions Park was abandoned for the day, in favor of the Dix Landfill Mound. And, there were numerous spectators. (What were they thinking?)

Who in fact "won?" Why, the Cynical Hobos, probably 7-4, over the Apathetic Mimes. Charles, Chris and this reporter scored for the Horrible Hobos. Other people score also, for both teams. The ball was kicked into the woods several times. People went and got it. Jeff explored the bounds of goalkeeping using innovative "Soccer 2.0" methods, moving up to, and in fact past, midfield on occasion. Was it even goalkeeping? It's so paradigm-shifting we don't even have a word for it. And, there were awards and a continued victory celebration after the game.

Other stuff probably happened as well, and it was momentous stuff, but I don't remember it. But we will always remember at least part of Rotter Bowl I as a memorable day in the foggy annals of Rotter history.

Pictures are below. I appear in several of them and I look happy. Others can be found elsewhere on the "internet" in various Buckets of Photos. Thank you once again for your readership.

RB I pictures

2008-02-19T00:07:00.012-05:00

Just a few pics of the first annual rotterbowl. GOODBYE GRABINGERS. WE HARDLY GOT DRUNK WITH THEE (or so it seems now that you are leaving). I have some other pics of some of you guys but my camera wasn't in night-time kegger mode so they are blurry. 76

Rotter Bowl I to host referee from Hell

2008-02-15T11:21:00.002-05:00

Although prior to his hiring last month there was some uncertainty as to where Ref Zubi originated, two Rotters overheard him tell an inquisitive stranger that he is "from Hell" late Thursday night.
The stranger, making polite conversation in gratitude to Ref. Zubi's generous funding of his crack habit, told him that he "liked his accent", and followed with "Where you from, man?" Upon hearing his reply, one Rotter pressed him to reveal what part of Hell he was from, but Ref Zubi declined to answer, instead steering the conversation to something completely unrelated.
It is unclear whether Ref Zubi's regional loyalties will affect his judgement in the highly anticipated game on Sunday. When asked to speak on his authority to make fair decisions, his response was that he planned to ref "like a fascist democratic president of America".

Rotter Bowl: Too Much Hype?

2008-02-14T16:06:00.015-05:00

All around the nation, people are asking: is there too much hype surrounding the Rotter Bowl?

In an attempt to more accurately gauge public opinion, our survey staff posed this question to 40 hard-working, freedom-loving Americans, passers-by selected completely at random and pictured below. Startlingly, our statistically significant and wholly unbiased sample audience agreed 37 to 3 that Rotter Bowl I will, without question, be the greatest event in the history of sport, freedom and/or beer drinking, perhaps only to be surpassed by Rotter Bowl II. Based on this survey, it is estimated that approximately 92.5% (plus or minus a 3% margin of error) of the American public feel this way -- an overwhelming majority.

It should be noted that one survey subject did not respond verbally, but rather made growling noises while chewing on a piece of rawhide. However, our survey team interpreted this a positive response.

The message is clear: America loves the Rotter Bowl!

Rotter Bowl I Proclaimed

2008-02-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Benevolence Society hereby proclaim Rotter Bowl One.

Some Frequently Asked Questions About Rotter Bowl I:

When is the Rotter Bowl? Sunday February 17th. Victory Celebration beforehand from 2-4pm, “Game” from 4pm-6pm, continue Victory Celebration afterwards.

Where is the Rotter Bowl? Raleigh, USA. Victory Celebrations are at the home of Aly and Beth Khalifa, 617 Kirby St. Game is at the Dix fields.

Why is the Rotter Bowl? We are mourning the departure of the gewunderbarenlich fruhstucklichkeit ubergeburtstagmenshen Grabinger family by having a big raucous party. They are being forcibly exiled to a European country called “Germany,” where you are forced to wear leather pants and eat questionable Spam-like meat.

What is the Rotter Bowl? It’s a bad idea poorly executed. It is exactly like a Super Bowl except we play Metric Football rather than American, wardrobe malfunctions throughout entire game not just halftime, no crowd, no cheerleaders, no announcers, no TV, no rules, some players are drunk, score is probably wrong, no uniforms, crappy trophies, loose confederations rather than teams, steroids are legal, and there might be mimes.

How many is the Rotter Bowl? One.

Who is the Rotter Bowl? The Rotter Bowl is you. Teams will be systematically chosen with a systematic system. Bring a white shirt and a dark shirt. Yellow is not dark. Possible teams are: Mimes vs. Anti-Mimes; Thunder Hobos vs. America; Night Ranger vs. Loverboy; Man vs. Nature; Rotters vs. Reality; Jon Zubi vs. Himself.

What are the rules? Use a round ball. Kick the ball. Try not to use your hands.

How much is the Rotter Bowl? Not sure. Bring money for the keg(s).

New Rotter Mascot Needed

2007-09-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

Newly appointed Rotter mascot Willie McWilliford was arrested Sunday night in an incident involving the Lions Park port-o-let, a wide stance, and some obscure secret signals. The less said about it the better. It's especially sad because, in a one-seater port-o-let, there is virtually no chance of success. But, some good news-- McWilliford will be entering this fall's Senate race.

But, we must bravely stumble onwards-- a new msacot must be found. Each of the friendly creatures below have responded to our exhaustive national search. The winner will be chosen at the 2008 Rotter National Convention in Reno, Feb 28th. Candidates include-- Tommy the Terrible Turd, Distubing Blue Globetrotter, Sorey McSore, Eddy the Stereotypical Eskimo, Stupid Tree, Chief Iggy the Indian Stereotype, Alfred the Asparagus, and Ted the Insane Trophy:

Jeff Misquotes Lombardi, It Is Hot, A Tree Falls, A Bear Sh!ts, Steely McBeam Is Born

2007-08-11T00:50:00.001-05:00

To quote Mr. Williford: "In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, "Let's score a f@#king goal out here already!"" Yes. Nobody would know these things happened if it weren't for this blogging cat box. They might not know I ever wore a dress, and probably don't anyway, but I can't take that chance so had to write something here.

Look at this guy! Like the bumper sticker says, "Pittsburgh: A drinking city with a football problem." Exactly. This is what the people of Pittsburgh think is inspiring - behold the new 2007 Steelers mascot, Steely McBeam. The Chicago Bears shit on this guy in the woods, suburbs, or city, wherever he goes. The Cleveland Browns don't respect him. Nothing personal Pete. He will be scrapped soon, but it is important that we learn from our mistakes, so this picture will be here 20 years from now (unless you delete it with your administrator powers). Why not call him Rusty McNuts-Chin and put penises all over his head?

Rotters Kruise and Krash in Kirby Derby

2007-07-02T22:27:00.001-05:00

Several Members of the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Crossdressing Society recently turned out to race in the "Kirby Derby," an annual street carnival held in a small weird West Raleigh neighborhood each summer solstice.

Mike "Mama" Carpenter and Suleman "Spandex" Anwari were two Rotters clearly unafraid to explore the outer bounds of their sexuality. This reporter, for one, was impressed and, yes, a little curious.

The two semi-feminine Rotter Hotties mounted their Rotter Hot-Cycle and awaited the start of the race. The two transexual craftsmen had hastily stapled a piece of plywood to two off-brand big-wheels. How could it not work?

And, they were off! They hurtled down the hill at speeds exceeding 7 mph, but then tragedy struck! Like Icarus, like Evel Kneivel at Snake River Canyon, they had challenged the laws of nature and lost. Their craft shattered in one thousand pieces, or at least four, revealing itself to be a total piece of shit. The two hairy queens skulked sheepishly off the course, dragging their shattered vehicle behind them.

The next Rotter Shit-Mobile consisted of a door with some sort of wheels hastily nailed to the bottom. Jeff W and Chris O' Shagenassiey were set to pilot this doomed craft. Thankfully, this pair had chosen to stay within the bounds of their god-given gender. The duo and their door hurtled down the hill with suprising speed. But, inexplicable, someone had placed a "curve" halfway down the hill. What a dastardly trick! This wiley change in direction would require the ability to steer. How can one be expected to plan for such a thing? The doomed door-mobile crashed into the haybales, signifying yet another humiliating Rotter fuckup.

But, leave it to Rotter injured reserveman Jacob "Coastin'" Osten to save the day. Recycling his victorious craft from last year, a determined Jacob sailed on to victory, or at least did pretty well, I wasn't really watching at that point. Hats off to you, Dr. Osten, if you indeed won. If not, who cares.

We would be remiss not to mention William P. Alphin's clever "one-legged pirate in a wheelchair" get-up for the parade. The disabled bucaneer served as an inspiration for injured Rotters everywhere. May we heal quickly, so we can hurt ourselves again!

There Are Ping Pong Balls Above The Ceiling

2007-07-02T21:36:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Wednesday Auxillary Football and Beer Sport Society climbed up to Horniblows after a recent Wednesday kick around, to find a rollicking band of ping pongers ponging happily in a very Rotter-like way. Yes, the kids are catching on.

This group of young pongers were paying no heed to the laws of table tennis or any other sport. Multiple bounces. Wall hits. Ceiling hits. Interrupting our pool game with insane errant shots. (We didn't mind one bit.) Like the hula hoop and methamphetamines, it's the latest craze sweeping the nation, if your nation is bars in industrial parks in north central Raleigh.

But, alas, their heedless ponging led to a pong tragedy. A rather large ponger stomped on the ball, rendering it a sad little flattish non-bouncing puck. The spirits of the young pongers were similarly crushed, until they remembered the bar and the beverages so freely dispensed there. Off they went, to continue being drunk in some other manner.

But, wait, a friendly little Horniblows gnome scampered into the Beer Sport Room, and bestowed upon Rotter left defenseman "The Lovely" Tobin an insider's Horniblows pong-related secret.

"There are ping pong balls above the ceiling," the kindly gnome whispered. And, with that, he disappeared into the meadow, or, he would have, if there was a meadow inside Horniblows.

In any case, (this is true) young Tobin climbed a chair and pushed upon a nicotine-soaked ceiling tile. And, like the obilisk at the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey, the ceiling was full of stars. Except the stars were ping pong balls. (Apparently hit up there by drunks when a ceiling tile was missing.) With great joy, young Tobin retreived a ping pong ball, and the Rotters commenced A-Pongin'. Oh Joy! Oh, thank you, friendly ping pong gnome!

A Conservative Dresser with Radical Effects

2007-06-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

Raleigh, NC - "This dresser has moxie. Actually, I'll tell you, I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I suggest that moxie itself may be made out of the same material as this dresser." Such is the uttering of the latest Rotter uber star, Tobin "Less Finesse, More Collision" Smith, about his newly purchased dresser. "People don't realize the power of a piece of furniture like this," commented Matt "Tan on One Arm" Manning, who helped Smith pick it up the other day. "Not only does it really tie a room together, it seems to unite all the room with a spirit of virility I've not heretofore witnessed. And I should know a thing or two about virility, why just yesterday I tore this sleeve clean off my shirt in one attempt. I mean, sure, it had a starter tear and all, but, still, lesser men would have had to try twice, maybe three times, and even then, would the tear be THIS clean?! That is rhetorical, but I'll answer you anyway - no, it would not." It was unsure whom exactly Manning was trying to convince, as he stood with a rather pleading expression and pointed to his one torn sleeve.

The dresser is a one-of-kind piece carved in the likeness of Ann Coulter. "I used to be a Nancy boy, bleeding heart, health-care this, let's-find-a-tree-to-hug that until I came across this dresser," explained Smith. "It sounds strange, but this dresser not only filled the vacancy in my room but in my life as well." It may not be so far-fetched, defends team masseuse and spiritual advisor, Aly "Bono Deserves Pampering" Khalifa. "Tobin was always kind of a sissy before now. I mean, he never used actual cuss words, instead he used softened phrases, like Mother Hubbard and dog gone, you, bumface. Once, I even saw him apologize to a soccer ball because he thought he might have kicked it too hard. But now, wow, his cussing has really improved. And he's not afraid to plough right into someone, even if he misses the ball completely. In fact, I'd say everything but his actual soccer game has really come quite a long way."

All this growth does not come without concern. Increasingly, Smith has been seen around town with the dresser in tow. We caught up with him at the Sheetz on New Bern Ave. where he and the Coulter dresser were waiting for their MTOs. "People make fun of what they don't understand," dismissed Smith as he flashed a knowing smile to the dresser and pulled it closer. "We have a special relationship, and if people want to be bitches and not get it, hell with 'em. They can go eat sprout sandwiches and kiss Michael Moore's ass. Ann [Smith calls the dresser by her first name] has really opened my eyes. My Casper Milquetoast days are over."

What does all this have to do with Rotter soccer? "Very little," replied the Coulter dresser. "You got a problem with that?"

Rotters Love Them Some Soft Rock

2007-06-03T20:51:00.000-05:00

Several Rotters have expressed interest in learning more about the rock group "Orleans," as well as the rock performer known as "Leo Sayer." We shall no longer dwell in ignorance. After minute upon minute of scouring the global information system known as the "internet," which links all of the world's computers together, allowing one to find nearly limitless information on seventies soft rock as well as a few other subjects, I have uncovered the following, which I publish here verbatim. I have also unearthed some images, including this one of Orleans, who, like the Rotters, are unashamed of manly love. It should also be noted that Orleans are not at all insecure about their bedroom furniture. (If that makes no sense to you, ask Tobin about his new dresser.)

Orleans: A Biography, by Richard Skelly
Best known for their hits "Still the One" and "Dance With Me," Orleans was founded in New York in 1972 by John Hall, Larry Hoppen and Wells Kelly. Hoppen's brother Lance joined before the group signed with ABC Records in 1973; working with producers Barry Beckett and Roger Hawkins at Muscle Shoals Studios, they released their self-titled debut later that year. In 1974 Orleans recorded a self-produced album in New York's Bearsville Studio, but ABC didn't like it and dropped the group from the label, leaving Asylum to release the album Let There Be Magic in 1974, spurring the group's first big hit, 1975's "Dance with Me." Their album Waking and Dreaming contained the hit "Still the One," which ABC-TV used as a theme song for that year. In 1977, Hall, who wrote many of the groups hits with his wife Johanna, left the group to pursue a solo career. He recorded two solo albums after signing with Elektra Records, and became something of a spokesman for the anti-nuclear power movement, helping to organize a group called MUSE (Musicians United for Safe Energy). Hall eventually worked with Jackson Browne, Graham Nash and Bonnie Raitt to organize the No Nukes concerts at Madison Square Garden in 1979.Without Hall, Orleans went through several other personnel changes before it had a number 11 hit with "Love Takes Time," from the album Forever. Though MCA's Infinity label went bankrupt in 1980, the group persevered, performing together in clubs and releasing the album One of a Kind in 1982. In 1984 Kelly died in London of a heroin overdose, and by the early '90s, Hall ditched his solo career and returned to performing with Orleans. After the group released 1994's Orleans Live, Vol. 1, and 1995's Analog Men on its own Major Record Label, Hall and the Hoppen brothers continued to tour as an acoustic trio.

Leo Sayer, A Biography
by Stephen Thomas Erlewine

{Editors comment -- note the Supertramp collaboration. I've always thought they were so much better than Tramp. And, thank God he changed his name from Gerard.}

Leo Sayer (born Gerard Sayer) had a string of highly polished mainstream pop hits in the late '70s. Sayer began his musical career as the leader of the London-based Terraplane Blues Band in the late '60s. He formed Patches with drummer Dave Courtney in 1971; Courtney used to play with British pop star Adam Faith. Faith was beginning a management career in the early '70s, so Courtney brought Patches to his former employer in hopes of securing a contract. Patches failed to impress Faith, yet he liked Sayer and chose to promote him as a solo artist. Sayer began recording some solo material written with David Courtney at Roger Daltrey's studio; the Who's lead singer liked the Sayer/Courtney originals enough to record a handful himself, including the hit "Giving It All Away." Sayer's debut single, "Why Is Everybody Going Home," failed to make any impact, yet 1973's "The Show Must Go On" hit number one in the U.K.; a cover by Three Dog Night stopped Sayer's version from charting in the U.S. The following year he released his first album, Silver Bird.Silver Bird was followed quickly by Just a Boy, which included two more British hit singles, "One Man Band" and "Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance)"; "Long Tall Glasses" managed to break Sayer into the American Top Ten in early 1975. Sayer's working relationship with Courtney was severed during the recording of his third album, Another Year (1975). The following year, he released Endless Flight, which was co-written with former Supertramp member Frank Furrell; featuring the number one singles "You Make Me Feel like Dancing" and "When I Need You," the record became his biggest hit in both the U.S. and the U.K., selling over a million copies in America. Following Endless Flight, Sayer became a fixture in the American Top 40, yet his hits began to dry up in England.Sayer began the '80s with the American number two hit, "More Than I Can Say," yet it was his last big single in the U.S. His last chart entry in America was the early 1981 hit "Living in a Fantasy"; the U.K. hits didn't stop until 1983, after "Till You Come Back to Me" scraped the charts. After laying low for the rest of the decade, he attempted a comeback in 1990 with Cool Touch, yet it fell on deaf ears.

Bonus: more Leo Sayer images, including Jumping Mime Leo, Scolding Leo, and Leo All Grown Up. He looks great:

White/Gray Team Defeats Black/Orange/Red/Green/Blue/Gray Team 1-0

2007-05-22T14:23:00.000-05:00

A bright clear spring day, Lions Park, Sunday afternoon, 4pm. The designated start time for the Rotters weekly pickup game. Absolutely no one is around.

4:25pm: Two sub-compact cars, early 1990s vintage, pull up. Drivers sit inside, feet up on dash, listening to old metal, perhaps Ronnie James Dio. After a few minutes, they exit and begin desultory kicking around of a dog-bitten ball. They complain that no one ever shows up on time, a right they have earned by showing up only 25 minutes late.

4:35 to 5:15pm: Eleven more sub-compact cars, early 1990s vintage, pull up. Drivers exit and join desultory kicking around of the dog-bitten ball. A conversation begins, involving comparison of hangovers. Ed Shred claims mightiest hangover, Jeff W makes a counter-claim. Pete F is not present, and is thus not eligible to win. The matter is left unresolved. Four intrepid Rotters begin carrying and assembling of goals, which appear to be constructed from a dog kennel that was destroyed by a tornado. With some effort, the goals are balanced in a precarious upright position and are covered with old crabbing nets. A few Rotters enjoy pre-game cigarettes, dogs are tied to fences, and it is generally decided that it’s time to start.

5:15 to 5:25pm: A ten-minute debate ensues about the division of teams. It is decided that white and gray shirts should be on one team, with diversely-colored shirts forming the opposing team. Inexplicably, Zubi chooses the color team, even though his shirt is gray. Someone points this out and is ignored. Will shows up wearing an orange shirt, throwing off the carefully balanced teams, so Charles changes to white. Zubi remains on the colored team. Someone kicks the ball and the “game” ensues.

5:25 to 6:17pm: The first half is action-packed. JP makes repeated charges up the left wing, but Tobin repeatedly charges out to meet him, using second base as a second defender. Hamza scores between 15 and 20 goals. Everyone else pretty much watches. Danica shows up wearing a gray shirt, causing Suleman to put on his red shirt and switch teams. Zubi stays with the diversely-colored team. A dog runs on the field. Mike makes a brilliant charge up the middle, falls, and injures at least one of his legs. He limps to the sideline for a combined recuperation/smoking break. Kate shows up wearing a blue shirt, Suleman puts his white shirt back on and switches teams. Charles charges up the right wing, breaks free when Will falls down, misses the open goal and cries out in existential angst. The Rotters compete with each other to best imitate the outburst. Charles tells everyone to fuck off and sits down to have a snack. Mike rejoins the game, limping slightly. Hamza scores again and a water break is called by mutual consent.

6:17 to 6:31pm: Everyone takes a break except for Erin, who takes 47 shots on goal, and Aly, who stops 46 of them.

6:32 to 7:14pm: The second half begins slow and sloppy and becomes slower and sloppier as the evening wears on. Hamza only scores 8 goals. Mike falls again and injures at least one more extremity. Charles has another angst/snack break. A dog runs on the field. Everyone except Tobin stops running. Tobin stops running. The beer goal is proclaimed. Tobin scores the beer goal, even though he doesn’t drink beer. The final score is declared to be 1-0.

7:15 to 7:25pm: A ten-minute debate ensues about the venue for after-game beers. Several yearn for Horniblows, which is closed. Sadlacks? No, too upscale since the renovation, practically a wine bar. Players Retreat? A fine and worthy bar, but not the choice for this evening. Back to Mojo’s it is. The porch beckons—bring me your injured, your sweaty, your quasi-athletic smokers.

7:32 to 8:27pm: Beers at Mojo’s. The usual enlightened conversation and debate. It is mutually decided that George Bush, TASL, softball players, and the Capital City Market suck. Any fitness benefit from the day’s frolic is cured with the antidote of beer and cigarettes. Then the Rotters, in varying states of injury and inebriation, drift away to their scattered weekday lives.

Addendum and corrections, in response to unsolicited feedback: At approximately 6:25, Long Lost Rotter Jacob drove up in a battered Land Rover that he stole from Jane Goodall. Rotter Nation had given up on the plucky fullback, assuming that his break-dancing toe injury was career-ending. But Jacob is never afraid to return to play, especially if it's too early and there is a high risk of re-injury. Many Rotters cried. A spontaneous parade ensued, and even some softball players joined in. And then, after Charles switched to a white shirt since Jacob was wearing a black shirt, play resumed.

It should be noted that Chris Clemmons was present, having caught an early flight from Chapel Hill. He was looking particularly well groomed and his play was at all times exceptional.

It should also be noted that the evil game of softball was being played on all of the softball fields at Lions Park, causing the Rotters to wander around like wandering Rotters. Softballs rained down like mortar rounds, causing Captain Mike to flash back to his nightmarish days in the Mekong Delta in 1967. He stripped naked and ran around reciting lines from Apocalypse Now, Director's Cut. But the Rotters talked him down and helped him get dressed again, and play resumed.

Rotter Iraq Study Group Issues Recommendations

2007-01-15T14:18:00.000-05:00

January 16-- After weeks of worldwide anticipation, the Rotters International Football and Foreign Affairs Society has issued its recommendations to for a "new way forward" for American involvement in Iraq (or is it Iran? we always get confused.) The prognostication comes from the Rotters Iraq Study Group, a multi-partisan panel of Democrats, Socialists, Anarchists, Surrealists, Whigs, and Apathetic Drunks. The plan is sure to receive worldwide attention (ie-- at least on guy in England might read them, as well as a prominent Qatarwegian academic.)

Here is the 32-point plan:

1. An "escalating surge" of 10-20 more soldiers and marines (a .00001% increase), to clear and hold neighborhoods in Baghdad. This has the same probability of success as sending 21,000, with a much lower cost.

7. A "de-escalating un-surge" or 140,000 soldiers and marines. The guys from point one will be pissed off when they find out.

5. Diplomatic missions to Syria and Iran. This will solve everything. They have always been super nice and helpful. We will bring pandas kind of like the Chinese did with us in the 70's. Syrians dig pandas.

21. Make lots of generalizations about Shiites and Sunnis.

17. Make some generalizations about the Kurds while we're at it.

3. Fire Gates, Snow, Cheney, Rumsfeld again, Rice, and the rest of the Bush cabinet once we find out their names.

8. Send 72,000 troops back in, then take 30,000 out, then send in 10,000, then pull out 40,000, then send in 8,000, then pull out 20,000. How many troops does that leave? What color are their uniforms? Explain your answer.

32. Send a diplomatic mission the the Israelis. Ask them how we can make peace in the region. Do the exact opposite of what they say.

9. Repeat step 8 with the Palestinians.

16. Ask Tom Waits what to do. That guy is cool.

12. Send in Oprah, Bono, Angelina, Madonna, and Sally Strothers (old school.) That will annoy them. Make sure Madonna doesn't steal any babies.

29. Think of a euphemism for the troop pull-out. Redeployment? Creative Cowardice? Proactive Surrender? What the Fuck Else Are We Supposed To Do?

13. Next time, invade a nicer country. That's a pretty damn ugly country. I'm just saying.

24. Learn the lessons of Vietnam-- make sure you forget everthing in thirty years and make up some bogus reason to invade another country. Act suprised and outraged when it doesn't work out.

27. Bring in some Pentagon counter-insurgency experts. They've always been really good at counter-insurgency.

30. Think of some more points, quick. Maybe have a contest where people send in points and we make a Super Bowl commercial out of the best ones.

23. Mix up the numbers so noboby knows that you couldn't think of enough steps.

Reached for comment, President Bush has stated that he is considering all options, even ones that are stupider than his own. He likes the part about the pandas.

Rotter Pong

2006-12-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Beer Sport Society has embraced a new form of bar athletics-- the ancient and honorable sport of "table tennis" or "ping pong."

Just as Americans turned the priggish games of rugby and cricket into the noble sports of football and baseball, the Rotters have transformed ping pong into Rotter Pong.

In Figure A, Cap'n Mike illustrates the correct stance and equipment for the new sport. Feet shoulder width apart, paddle grasped firmly in ponging hand, cigarette in non-ponging hand. Soccer cleats must, naturally, be worn at all times. But wait, you ask, cleats are not ideal, perhaps even hazardous, on the slick and hard bar floor. Ah yes, an added degree of difficult from which Rotters do not shy. Captain Mike busted his ass just after this photo was taken, and yet he ponged on with renewed vigor and determination. Yes, we have found a new way to injure ourselves.

Notice please that the beer is never held during play, but instead rests safely on the chest-high beer/ashtray shelf behind the player (beer not visible in Figure A, as it is safely in its appointed resting place).

And what are the regulations of this Rotter Pong contest? There are, of course, no rules. Occasional long quasi-legal volleys mix with frequent short and incompetent spurts of play interspersed with convivial conversation. Number of bounces are often ignored. Play is sometimes aggressive. People fall. People try to quit so they can drink beer in peace. Williford yells a lot. In short, it differs little from a Sunday game of Rotter Soccer.

Please join us every Sunday at approximately beer-thirty for Rotter Pong at the new and improve Horniblows Lounge, Somewhere, Raleigh, NC.

The Mighty Albeit Oppressed Scottish Nation, As Represented by Celtic FC, Triumph Over Their English Oppressors, As Represented By Manchester United

2006-11-21T19:26:00.000-05:00

In 1745, we were defeated on the bloody fields of Culloden (pictured left). They took away our land. They took away our bagpipes. We got very drunk, passed out behind the pub, and woke up in a pool of our own pish. But Tuesday night, we of the proud Scottish Nation had our revenge at Glasgow's Celtic Park. In thrilling UEFA Champions League action, Celtic FC drove the over-paid, over-rated Manchester United Red Devils from the field in the obliterating 1-nil victory of the millenium.

With a spectacular bending 30-yard free kick goal by a Scotsman named Nakamura (it's an old Highland name), the men in stripey green turned the football universe on its head. But wait! An English foe is never so easily conquered. The conniving ref cooked up a bogus handball call, handing a penalty kick to the Prince-Charles-loving, Wham-listening boys in red. But gaelic righteousness once again prevailed, with a heroic save by another pure-bred son of Scotland, goalkeeper Artur Boruc.

The Celtic victory is already being called a turning point in the great hangover that is Scottish history. The redcoats were replaced with red AIG logo shirts and the Scotsmen wore pants, but it was yet another battle in the long war against the nation of Boy George and Benny Hill. From Belfast to Basra, those that suffer under the yoke of Saxon hegemony raised their heads with new hope. So join the proud people of Glasgow, sing a song of liberty, drink 17 pints, smoke 27 cigarettes, and wake up behind the pub in a pool of your own pish. For one night, taste the bitter glory of Scottish destiny.

But we can still rise now,
And be the nation again,
That stood against him,
Proud Edward's Army,
And sent him homeward,
Tae think again.

* THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ROTTCAST SYSTEM *

2006-10-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

CLICK THE STOP BUTTON ON YOUR BROWSER TO STOP THE SIREN BEFORE YOU GO CRAZY

When a game is cancelled, or if a game we thought was cancelled is back on again, this siren will sound the alarm to the RRR past, present, future, imaginary, drunk, and gone fishin'. This just in: our final game of the season was just cancelled. I am not sure, but I think that all 3 of our wins came from forfeits. Final record for fall 2006: 3-2-2 and only one visit to Horniblows.
**********************************

Replacement Rotters Rock

2006-10-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

Upon reflection, I was annoyed by this post. So, I deleted it. But, I will leave up this picture of Walter Mondale. Long may he reign.

Rotter Naughties Go Nautical

2006-10-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

Befuddled by schedule changes, blog censorship, debated forfeits, and general low morale, the Rotters took a wrong turn on the way to TASL's latest stop-gap venue and just kept driving. When the caravan--headed up by "Was-it-you" Williford--finally stopped, they found a field with even less grass than WRAL. The upside? An OCEAN on one sideline.

"I really like the longshore wind factor, too," commented defense demigod Jacob Osten. "When the ball goes out of bounds, we get a long breather." O-Shag-nessy, whose middle syllable proved prophetic (he "shagged" almost every windbourne ball) begged to differ.

Rotter "Potty-mouth" McKinney tried to keep the language clean. Other Rotters listened with furrowed brows as she shouted "Holy feces, good pass!" and confusion reigned when she angrily shouted "Sexual intercourse with you, then!" when Cullinan blocked her shot. "I don't care if I don't sound tough as feces anymore," she responded when asked about her new linguistic choices,"No-one can trace ugly language back to myself or my teammates. And besides, I just feel better about myself. Talking clean is having-intercourse awesome."

The Rotters won every game they played on the new field. As beach-house hero Williford put it: "It's hard to lose when you're playing with yourself." Combined with victory over a beach house puzzle, "happy cake" by Williford and Ann-Katherin, and a win for the University of Tennessee american football team (a uniform change has been proposed for the Rotters--Manning will knit vests; see picture), the adventure provided a much-needed morale boost.

Rotter Men In Triathlon Also, And We Don't Use Naughty Words In Our Headlines

2006-09-30T09:22:00.000-05:00

Not to be outdone by esteemed teammate Danica Bananica, several male Rotters will compete in Raleigh's 11th annual Surreal-A-Thon. The gruelling contest of wills begins with a 13-hour-long game of drunken curling, involving sliding and falling and not knowing the rules, similar to our experiences inthe Coed C League.

Howdy, pard'ner! Should the Boy Rotters survive the first hazardous and stupid event, it's time to mosey on over to Dorten Arena for drunken bull riding. Rotters can injure themselves walking onto a soccer field, so there should certainly be some trips to the hospital for the weak-minded but determined cowpokes in black. We are the rootin'est tootin'est soccer team in Raleigh, so we are sure to find a home on the Raleigh range, playing with deers and antelopes, seldomly hearing discouraging words, and tumbling like tumbleweeds. And I have run out of bad cowboy puns, so it's on to the next event.

Rotters are not really good with numbers or letters, but we sure know our colors really really well. Are you proud of us? The third event, Full-Contact Candyland, should be a walk in the candycane forest for the Sugar Plum Rotters. Kicking, punching, and full-body checking are all in bounds in this contest of strength and intellect. Yes, a few good men will get stuck in the Gooey Gumdrop Swamp. Only one will survive to rescue the Lollipop Queen, and thusly be declared the Surrealist Triathlon Champion. Do we have what it takes? Probably not.

More Evidence that Rotter Women are Tough as Shit

2006-09-29T15:54:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, September 30th, founding Rotter Danica Cullinan (on academic leave this season)will participate in the Wilmington YMCA Triathlon. Though she has held the title for years, Cullinan is not content to rest on her laurels as baddest-ass bad-ass inside the beltline. She continues to add to her resume, making sure none of us have any hope of catching up with her. The triathlon begins at 8AM and includes an ocean swim, a flat-out run, and a sure-to-have-headwind bike ride. After she's done, she's headed to Clayton for Oktoberfest beers, where she's sure to outdrink many of us who sat on our not-as-bad-assed asses all day long. Check out her route at theses sites:
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/swim.pdf
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/bike.pdf
http://www.set-upinc.com/rp5/wilming/Wilmington%20run%20course.htm

PATERNITY TESTS REVEALED! Lowy Blamed Again

2006-09-29T14:46:00.000-05:00

Siberia, UK: Following banishment to Siberia, Former Royal Raleigh Rotter Jon Lowy is now being blamed for something other than the usual 'everything'. The resemblance is undeniable, and now DNA tests have proven that Mr. Lowy did in fact father the lovechild of Chris Clemmons (RRR #8), thereby making a beautiful bouncing baby su-dog. Reached for comment, the dumurring mother Clemmons had this to say, "SEE! I TOLD YOU HE WAS! Come back 007!!" The tears streamed down his face as the proud mother told of the harrowing trip across the frozen continent to see his beloved Lowy-kins.
This picture was taken by Dr. Leonid Zudenov, the doctor who delivered baby su, beard and all, just 3 months ago. Mr. Lowy is now rumored to be involved with Russian PM Vladimir Putin, as he continues his reckless romp around the planet in exile from Raleigh, NC, leaving bastard children in his wake everywhere he goes. (ed. note: is that too much? ha ha. sorry.)

In a related story, Tobin the Rotter has disappeared and this picture has been put on milk cartons nationwide to help find him. One source claims TtR was spotted in an airport waitiing for a plane to Siberia, MD. Also, Danica the Great recently had her portrait done by one of the finest swashbuckling artists in the Basque region, Sir Pablo Zubicasso.

What Could We Get For TASL Registration Fee? Trans Am Plus 600 beers

2006-09-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

Have you been regretting the $1,500 we gave to TASL this year, to pay for randomly scheduled games on crappy, far-away fields? (BTW-- Kudos to captain Mike for dealing with this crap. What is a kud0?)

Have you been wondering what we could have gotten for that $1,500? Here it is. This brown beauty of a 1978 Trans Am is currently listed for $1,000 on Ebay Motors. (this is true) Three words-- Burt F***in' Reynolds.

It's waiting for us in Wake Forest. Full list of features below. Holley Valvecovers! AM and FM! Tape Player! Edelbrock 600 Endurashine Carburetor! You know what that means.

After the Trans Am, we would have $500 left. That's 250 bar beers, or at least 600 glorious store-bought cans. We would not drink them in the car, only near it, perhaps in a 7-11 parking lot while blasting Zeppelin.

The Audacious Auto could be shared among team members, 1-2 days per month, for that special date with that special someone, or at least someone.

List of Features:
VERY solid body, very easy restoration start.
New fuel pump
New plugs
New wires
New hoses
New intake gasket
New carb gasket
Edelbrock 600 Endurashine Carburetor
Edelbrock Torker II Intake
Holley Valvecovers
6X W72 heads
Pioneer AM/FM/Tape
The clock in the dash actually works

We Can Rebuild Him

2006-09-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

Wounded Rotter Pete Farquhar has regained hope in his epic battle against injury and self-pity. With the help of modern surgery and remedial education, Farquhar underwent a 12-hour operation to insert a 7th grade shop project into his ankle. It is hoped that the aglomeration of screws and metal will allow Farquhar to return to competitive semi-professional Coed soccer, while also earning an A+ in Metal Shop I for Matthew Sturgeon, Fuquay Varina Middle School, grade 7.

With any luck, the stumbling non-profiteer will be back in action just in time to re-injure himself. In the meantime, the Rotters will soldier on, breaking alcohol prohibitions, breaking bones, break dancing, taking smoke breaks, and continuing to crush and/or tie opposing teams.

Farquhar Out Six Weeks: Rotters Season Over?

2006-09-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

Rotter Nation was rocked today by news that Minister of Agitprop/Star Halfback Pete Farquhar will be out 6 weeks with a gruelling, swollen, puss-oozing, bruised lateral ankle sprain. Dr. Sarah DeWitt of Raleigh Foot and Ankle gave the prognosis today, or perhaps the diagnosis, whatever, but anyway she ordered Farquhar to wear annoying support devices for the rest of his natural life.

Rotter Pete will still use his nimble fingers to update these pages at irregular intervals, but there is some question as to his ability to mount the stairs to Horniblows. Will his comrades have to bring him down beers, as he drinks alone in the Minivan of Victory? Time will tell.

Farquhar joins a long Honor Roll of Rotter Wounded, including Jacob (groin, liver), Sam (knees, cardio-vascular system), Carpenter brothers (knees, lungs, sibling rivalry), Charles (something), plus the array of psychological disorders shared by the rest of the squad.

Are the Rotters like the French in '40? Or the French in '54? Or the French in '06? Will they cry, like Roberto Duran, "no mas!"? Does anyone remember Roberto Duran?

No, the Rotters don't even know the meaning of the word "surrender," or, for that matter, of most words with more than two syllables. They will fight to the last man, or the last woman, or perhaps to the last dog tied to the last fence. But they will triumph, or, better yet, tie.

Keeper Dave Flashes a Winning Smile

2006-08-30T07:08:00.000-05:00

Even though the Royal Raleigh Rotters succumbed to the dreaded Ligers in a 3-1 loss last evening, keeper Dave Baker was still smiling. Baker put in a spectacular performance, preventing an even more deceivingly lopsided victory by the physically superior, genetically engineered half-lion, half-tiger opposition.

The lone Rotter goal was scored by Kelly Who Is Really Good, who is so really good that she thoroughly confused the Liger keeper on the play by being both in front of and behind him at the same time.

At least two other Rotter goals should have been scored by Ed Shred, at least one other by Kelly, and at least one other brilliant header by Sam should have gone in. Meanwhile, at least two Liger goals should have been called back because that blonde guy was way too all-farm to be defended by a surprisingly slack midfielder Chris "Who Took The Oxygen Out Of The Air?" Clemmons. Clearly, a 5-1 Rotter moral victory.

Also, several mysterious large metal boxes flew over the field, prompting the confused Rotters to periodically run around covering their heads and not pay attention to the ball.

The Persons in Black retired to Morrisville's only bar, Champions I, after the game. Probably for the only time ever, though it wasn't half bad -- for Morrisville.

The "loss" evened out the Rotter Fall '06 record to a pleasingly symmetrical 1-1-1.

Match Fixing Scandal Rocks Elite-PremierCoed C Division

2006-08-27T02:55:00.000-05:00

August 23, 2006
After the 1-1 draw vs. hated rivals 'the Farce', the Royal Rotters of Raleigh had to ask each other and the heavens, "Can this really have happened without money changing hands?" As it turns out, the referee of the match was one Jean Claude Froglegs - a known French nationalist with an axe to grind. 'Froglegs the Fixer' as he is known on the other side of the pond, was recently exposed in a BBC article chronicling the Serie A scandal in Italy - and his ties with the powerful Elite-Premier Coed C division run deep. "What are you talking about? There is no conspiracy, and Burlescon- I mean, Mrs. Langdon has nothing to do with Zidane-, I mean Juvent- Rott- whatever- What?" Mr. Froglegs is quoted as saying. It is known that only three seasons ago, the team known now as 'the Farce' was called 'Le France' - pronounced "Lee Frownce". Now I ask you, is this a coincidence? I think not. It is clear to this reporter that the fix is in, and so any loss suffered by the beautiful and merciless RRR this season can only be the result of old-fashioned bribery on the part of shameless Frenchmen who will settle for tainted glory. Ouch. ps. the irony is not lost on this reporter. 76

Rotters Revenge: Trip the Daytrippers

2006-08-22T05:37:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night, many a Rotter brain was filled with nightmarish memories of last year's game vs. the Daytrippers. The gigantic grassy grass field at SAS soccer park. The team with a stupid name that made us run all over the green grassy grass. Having to play in Cary, where the lawns are wide, the minds are narrow, and the bars suck.

There was much Rotter dread when we learned that this year's rematch would be played in "Morrisville", which is just another word for "Cary". Would we once again have to run too much, lose to a stupidly-named team, and then find ourselves stranded in a giant suburb far from any decent tavern?

Alas, the nightmare did not come true for the Rotters this year, but instead befell the downhearted Daytrippers. The final tally was Rotters 5, DTs (who looked more like Wings fans)nil. Goals were scored by Ed Shred, Kelly Who Is Very Good, Mark the Spark, Free Willy Alphin, and someone else, I think Mike. The highlight was a brilliant header by William Alphin, off a stunning cross by Mark the Spark.

Dave was fabulous in goal, mostly because of his Spiderman shirt. He was kicked in the face several times, but felt nothing due to the powers of his super garment. Go get 'em, Spidey.

Only one argument took place, in front of the opposing goal, when the old "Who's your favorite Beatle" debate broke out. I probably don't have to tell you that the Daytrippers are the sort that prefer Paul. The Rotters are , of course, Ringo supporters, and nearly had to back their words with their fists. Luckily, the ref was a George Harrison fan, and was able to broker a peace settlement without bloodshed.

The Daytrippers tried to surrender in the second half, but the Rotters take no prisoners. As the Daytripper defense crumbled, the Rotter goals began to resemble free kicks. It was sad, really.

After the game, the humiliated Daytrippers decided to change their name, with hope that a new moniker would bring back their flagging spirits. At press time, they were still deciding between "The Penny Lanes" and "The Octopus Gardens."

Note: There have been some reports that the Rotters were drinking Killians after the game at a sports bar in a strip mall in Cary. Don't believe a word of it. The Dreaded Drinkers in Black would never do such a thing.

New Trading Cards for the Fall 06 Season

2006-08-11T15:30:00.000-05:00

Rotters Are Victorious Supreme Triumphant Superior Winning Crushing Dominant Well-Above-Average Champions of the Premier Elite Coed C-League

2006-07-18T15:25:00.000-05:00

TASL has determined that the Royal Raleigh Rotters Ancient and Benevolent Football Society's crushing 8-2 record was sufficient to triumpantly and decisively win the mighty Coed C League. It took TASL officials only 2 months to figure out who had won, understandable since each team payed a mere $1,500 for the privilege of playing.

We get T-shirts.

Plans are afoot for a ticker-tape parade, on either Fayetteville Street, the Champs-Elysees, or Kirby Street.

Do we get a trophy?

What the Rotters certainly do get is the powerful knowledge that we never gave up, we fought until the end, we gave 117%, we left it all out on the field, and we tried pretty hard in most of the games. We also usually showed up sober, and limited our pre-game cigarettes to 2 or fewer. It wasn't easy. Several male Rotters abstained from conjugal relations for the entire season, although it is not clear whether this was entirely by choice.

We are the Steelers without a trophy. We are Lance Armstrong without cancer (yet). We are Italy without diving. We are Rocky. We are invincible. We are woman.

The Rotters are looking forward to the great things that can and will happen in season III, if we didn't screw up and forget to register. More crushing victories? An undefeated record? All is possible for the mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty Rotters.

Can the RRR Survive Without: D Cully, Kate Hate, J-Lowy and O'Shag-nasty?

2006-07-06T00:39:00.000-05:00

We will see, at least for one season. In this era of top dollar superstar rosters, the RRR front office must step up its efforts to procure the services of these icons for future seasons. This situation should not be interpereted as anything but a temporary holdout, and Kate Hate jerseys will be available for the opening kickoff of the fall 2006 season. We do not intend to lose the services of our backbone players to other rival teams like the 'Akron Dumpers' or whomever. Do not worry. Also, this blog should not shut down just because we play soccer at Lion's and drink beer somewhat separately afterwards instead of Horniblows on Tuesdays. 76

Rotter National Anthem

2006-05-24T08:53:00.000-05:00

Here are the Rotter National Anthem lyrics, as originally written. We departed somewhat from this Saturday. Learn them, live them.

Lyrics: (stream of unconsiousness)

(In the style of Johnny Rotten)

(Starts with driving bass line)

(in comes stereotypical punk guitar lick)

Rot Rot Rotters

Royal Raleigh Rotters

Rot Rot Rotters

Royal Raleigh Rotters

Feel bad on Monday

But feel good on Sunday

That's my fun day

My I don't have to run day!

(chorus)

(bridge)

My leg hurts

My knee hurts

My spleen hurts

My soul hurts!

(chorus)

Blame Lowy Blame Lowy

We play even if its snowy

Blame Lowy Blame Lowy

He sounds like David Bowie!

(chorus)

(abrupt ending, drop mike, smash your bass, vomit)

Rotters Stay In Shape During the Summer Months

2006-05-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

¡¡¡PUTA!!! We need to get a few of these glasses at Hornyblows... Lowy, judging by the writing on the window, this picture of Pete and Chris has been taken in France... When you go back to the Old Continent, please send us a couple of these glasses... If you stop by the Basque Country, you shall find them under the small section.

Well, this picture demonstrates the Royal Raleigh Rotters' favorite past time... beer tasting! Now that the soccer season is over, the summer heat is fast approaching, and beer tastes sweeter and more refreshing than ever, continue to drink ungodly amounts of Rotters' brew but also purchase Chuck's sexercise tape (made before his 7 operations... money well spent, by the way) and every morning before leaving for work, sexercise for 2 and 1/2 minutes so you are fit to touch the ball during the fall season.

For specific sexcercise tape details contact Chuck... I'm just the messenger, not his agent.

See some of you at some of the Sundays' and Wednesdays' pick ups at Lyon's Park...

VICTORY!

2006-05-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday evening the Royal Raleigh Rotters won their final game of the Spring 2006 season 3-2 over the evil android army Diosynth. Ed Shred and Big Al Khalifa each scored slow-rolling beauties that just barely had momentum enough to make it into the Diosynth net. The third goal was one of the most beautiful, brute force scores in Rotter history, a group effort in which Kate Hate, Chris O'Shagnasty and Shred (someone correct me on who was involved if I'm wrong -- there may have been as many as ten Rotters in on the play) all converged on the ball in a massive Rotter attack and marched it past the helpless Diosynth keeper. People likened it to the '05 Steelers offensive line.

Cap'n Mike played goal first half and Sam the Invincible German played goal second half. They were heroes, allowing only one goal apiece. Diosynth were good and fast and partly British but the Rotters beat them anyway. No thanks to Jon Lowy.

This season-ending victory brought the Rotters to a mind-boggling 8-2 record, assuring them at least a 2nd place finish in the TASL Coed C standings. These and other facts were celebrated thoroughly at Horniblows after the game.

Note: Official Rotter Minister of Public Information Pete Farquhar has been too busy creating powerpoint presentations featuring Gil Dodson of late, so this report was filed by Deputy Rotter Minister of Public Information Chris Clemmons.

Lemon Mojo is a Stupid Name for a Team

2006-05-04T05:59:00.000-05:00

The Unstoppable Royal Raleigh Rotters Dynasty won once again Tuesday night, licking their yellow opponents with a decisive 2-1 tally. Kelly continued the Rotters Women Reign of Terror with a terrific goal, and Edward J. Shred scored, despite the fact that he is a boy.

In light of the recent female scoring spree, several male Rotters are considering sex change operations to improve their soccer prowess. (Foolish ideas such as "exercise" and "quitting smoking" have been soundly rejected.)

With their phenomenal winning ways, Rotter Nation faces an existential dilemma. Should we continue winning and risk moving up to the feared Coed B League, where teams are stocked with a fearsome race of hard-kicking giants? Throw a few games and remain in the safe Coed C League? Or, really go in the tank and relegate ourselves to Coed D, where we can relax during games and save more energy for drinkin'?

Hard choices are ahead. We need The Decider.

Women Wotters Wow in Wonderful Win

2006-05-01T18:54:00.000-05:00

The fabulous female footballers of the Royal Raleigh Rotters humiliated opponents "The Farce" with a 4-3 womanly whoppin'. Rotter Rookie Ann Scheune(wo)mann scored a spectacular hat trick with a penalty kick, a ricochet off of a fumbling Farce footballer, and a regular goal, too. Unfortunately, no one had a hat to throw, but the hats of Rotter Nation are off for young "Ann Who Can."

Danica Bananica and Kate Hate rushed from a long weekend of folkin' it up at Merlefest, and were only minutes late for the game. The Fog of Folk did not prevent Danica from scoring perhaps the most spectacular goal in Rotters history, with a looping dipping whirling flying shot that defied the laws of physics and several other sciences as well.

The men of Rotterdom had a great time running around, yelling, and occasionally kicking the ball in random directions. We do not not accept the oppressive matriarchal aggression and competitiveness that inflicts the Coed C League. We just like beer.

Formerly Foreign Rotters Join Team America

2006-04-27T09:07:00.000-05:00

In a suprising move, two quasi-legal alien Rotters took on the yoke of American Citizenship this month. Jon Zubi and Aner Cheney (who changed his name upon taking the oath) both hail from the "Basque" or "Drunk" region of Spain, an area known for producing colorful malcontents.

Even more suprising are the actions that the new Freedom-lovers took after gaining citizenship. Aner headed straight to a Republican political rally, where he had the honor (?) of taking the podium with the embattled President and Vice-President. Zubi made a b-line for the nearest Hummer dealership, where he reportedly announced, "Give me the biggest one on the lot! I need to start using fossil fuels and producing hydro-carbons!"

Welcome aboard, Proud Patriot Rotters. You are suspicious foreigners no more. You are now a part of the greatest nation on the planet. I hope you will join us in conquering that planet, as well as warming it up a litte.

Physicist and Englishman Needed

2006-04-26T15:38:00.000-05:00

Rotter corporate headquarters announced today that two critical positions on the squad will be vacated at the end of this season. Rotters O'Shaughnessy and Lowy are expected to leave the area on a semi-permanent basis this Spring, for the major metropolitan areas of Washington, DC and London, England, respectively. Though O'Shaughnessy and Lowy will always be Rotters, they won't physically be able to play on the squad on a regular basis from their remote locations. Therefore, RotterCorp is advertising two vacancies. Successful candidates should have extensive playing experience at the collegiate or professional level; must be tall and have interesting haircuts; and must have a great and insatiable liking for beer. Necessary special qualification for Lowy's position: must be able to accept all blame. Please forward resumes to Cap'n Mike at webmaster@switchedreluctance.com.

Rotters Retire #007. Must Find New Fall Guy

2006-04-24T23:56:00.002-05:00

Jon Lowy, the premier zinc salesman in the western hemisphere, has become Jon Lowy, a decent zinc salesman in whatever hemisphere England is in. The Rotters now need a tall Englishman and a scapegoat, so the search is on. I know a tall, useless bastard from Australia (sounds like an English accent to me) so he will probably fill the role seamlessly. We must impress upon him the need for wide, badly aimed shots and poor, weak headers on offense, but I think he will do fine. The issue of the retired 007 jersey needs to be addressed. Do we burn it? Bury it? Hang it from the rafters at Lion's? It is not for me to decide. I am still hanging on to the hope that Mr. Lowy will recognize his mistake, and buy his house back, and his car, toaster and whatever else he might have sold so far. Ed Shred has been known to impersonate an Englishman in a pinch, so we should be OK - worst case. Shun Lowy!
76

Rotters Rout Red Storm in Rematch Romp

2006-04-24T21:36:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football Liberation Army (pictured above) decisively destroyed the hapless Red Storm, by a walloping 2-1 margin. Sam scored both Rotter goals. The one Red Storm goal involved some sort of cheating/injustice. There would have been many more Rotter goals were it not for even more cheating/injustice. Beers were sipped at Horniblows after the game. These Rotter wins are becoming rather routine, but nonetheless marvelous.

Many Rotters past and present turned out for Sunday's team picture. JP came all the way from Qatar, Gil Dodson came from a Halloween past, and football legend Jim Thorpe came from the afterlife. Hamza wore a mysterious disguise for mysterious reasons (Not because I didn't have a picture of him to Photoshop. Oh, no.)

Rotters Adopt Minor League Affiliate

2006-04-20T08:35:00.000-05:00

RotterCorp International Sports Ventures, the parent company of the Royal Raleigh Rotters, has expanded into the growing and profitable world of semi-professional 5-6 year-old T-ball. The Capital Ear Nose and Throat Grizzlies (I didn't make that up) are now an official minor-league affiliate of RotterCorp.

In their first game Tuesday night, the gallant Grizzlies galloped to a 20-20 tie with the highly-touted Cubs. Given the 5-run per inning limit in the Elite Premier Salvation Army T-Ball League (EPSATBL), 20-20 ties are not uncommon. There were 2 outs in the entire 4-inning contest.

Budding T-ball superstar Emma Farquhar is batting 1.000, with a single and one run scored. In fact, the entire Grizzly squad is batting 1.000 with a single and one run scored. All players successfully rounded the bases in the prescribed counter-clockwise direction, no children were harmed, and there were no crying incidents. The Ear Nose and Throaters hope to carry their almost winning ways to Thursdays matchup with league co-leaders the Sliding Penguins.

RotterCorp hopes to turn a tidy profit from concession and gambling revenue, with at least enough income to cover Sunday post-game beverages for the Persons in Black. The Salvation Army has shown some resistance to liquor and beer sales at EPSATBL games, but RotterCorp lawyers are hopeful of winning the impending lawsuit. Luckily, SA officials have yet to notice the RotterCorp betting parlor, tucked discreetly behind the concessions stand.

Fight on, Grizzlies, fight on! The beer-starved Rotters are depending on you.

Rotters Find Jamaican Link

2006-04-12T12:06:00.000-05:00

Several players from the Royal Raleigh Rotters Futbol and Parking Lot Keepaway Society were fortunate enough to attend the "international friendly" match between the U.S. and Jamaican national teams last night. The sold-out game was played at the SAS soccer center, directly adjacent to the extremely large field where the Rotters experienced a crushing defeat last Fall at the hands of the cardiovascularly superior Daytrippers.

The Rotters were delighted to find a spiritual equal in Jamaican Reggae Boyz goalkeeper Donovan Ricketts. Ricketts, a ridiculously tall and gangly fellow, took it upon himself to underhandedly stop play by employing Rotter-esque tactics on at least two separate occasions: once by "accidentally" tossing the ball out of the sidelines and into the stands, and then again later by falling down on the field and writhing in dramatic agony -- only to bounce back up seconds later and flash a grin at the crowd behind the net.

Let's hear it for Donovan Ricketts -- Yard Balla and Reggae Rotter!

Rotters Beat Styx Fans

2006-04-10T18:24:00.000-05:00

Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life
From the long arm of the law.
Hangman is coming down from the gallows
And I don't have very long.

Thus was the plaintive dirge heard before Tuesday's game, sung in pure seventies harmony by Rotters foe-of-the-moment, "The Renegades."

Just what you would expect from a bunch of Styx fans.

Oh Renegades, you had it made, but then you played the Rotters. Raleigh's finest football freaks beat the stout, plucky Renegades handily, by an official 3-1 tally. However, when you add in Danica's brilliant left-footed goal, called back on an inexplicable off-sides call, that brings the total to 4-1. Considering the the lone Renegade goal was actually score by Jeff "sideways five" Williford with a beautifully executed through-the-legs f**kup, that brings the actual Rotter total to 5 goals, with a big nil left for the Rotund Renegades.

Chris "Mullet Warrior" O' Shagenessy scored his first career goal early in the contest. Aly followed with a brilliant header on a Sam throughball. And then somebody else scored, too. Don't tell me who it was, I'll think of it eventually. Maybe it was me. I actually played in the game. I may have even touched the ball, and by touching it, could have guided it into the goal. But I don't think that happened.

Did O'Shagenessy's Mullet Power cancel out the Renegade's Styx Energy? Such questions are beyond the humble Rotter mind. But we soldier on, confident in our knowledge that Journey is the best cheesy arena rock band, followed closely by Night Ranger. Styx is somewhere near the bottom, under Rainbow. And the Righteous Rocketing Rotters are a little closer to the top of the Elite Premier Coed C League with each stunning triumph.

(That reminds me - Triumph is right above Rainbow in the arena rock rankings. Right below Argent and Aldo Nova.)

The Rotters' Own Gandhi

2006-04-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Non-confrontative conflict resolution has never been the Rotters' claim to fame, but The Rotter' game against Netsation (the spelling of this name is controversial, as is pronunciation) proved the non-violent value system that informs #8's actions. Clemmons' unintentional foul behooved an opponent to "stryke" (I looked it up, it means "act stupid." I wonder if the Strykers know...) Clemmons faced down the potential conflict with calm aplomb. Thank goodness he hadn't had any whiskey yet.
This noble (in)action has triggered a pattern in Rotterly behavior and marks a subtle alteration of the team's (still rough, still tough, but somehow more contemplative) attitude. Proof positive is the Ear Incident, in which Sam (a Rotter who is notably more volatile when perturbed) calmly faced down a Stryker.
Gandhi would be proud.

Rotters Lose, Blame Englishman

2006-04-06T12:13:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Gardening Society fell to 3-2 Tuesday night, with a tragic, soul-destroying 3-1 loss to the hated Strykers. Said Strykers were handed two penalty kicks, providing more evidence of the TASL Anti-Rotters Conspiracy. The retrograde Rotters are now 0-3 against the Strykers, a fact that does not sit well with the Persons in Black.

The reeling Rotters immediately looked to place blame for their two-game losing streak, and quickly settled on Enormous Englishman Jon Lowy (pictured left). The Sizeable Saxon has been absent for the last two Rotter losses, on so-called "business trips" spreading the Gospel of Zinc. Reached for comment, the Absent Anglo said, "My fault-- I was sunning my [backside] in South Beach, Miami." The Loveable Large Limey will be departing soon for his gloomy native land, thereby plunging Rotter Nation into eternal darkness and defeat.

The lone Rotter goal was score with spectacular aplomb by Ed "Shred" Shred. But the game highlight came when Sam successfully incited a Stryker yellow card by placing his finger into the ear of a female opponent. A Wet Willy, perhaps? The feisty Stryker shot back with, "Get your [fluffin'] finger out of my ear." Sam said, "Wha?" His Stryker victim repeated her profanity-laced tirade, drawing a yellow card from the esteemed Ref and inspiring moral outrage in many a Rotter. If there is one thing a Rotter hates, it's naughty language.

Despite the despair and desperation of the current situation, this reporter is certain that we will soon see a patented Rotter Rebounding Resurgence, with many, many wins, at least against the crappy teams. Rise, Rotters, rise, and answer the call of your rotten destiny!

Rotters Face a Wrathful God

2006-03-29T07:06:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters were on the wrong side of divine intervention Tuesday night, with a soul-crushing 4-0 defeat at the hands of The Other Team (this reporter can't remember their name, but it was a stupid one, and only a front, see below.) Rotter goals were not scored by Will, Chris C, Aner, Hamza, Ann, Danica, Kate, Mike, Mark, Erin, Jeff, Jacob, Sam, Chris O, Suleman, Pete, and Flip Wilson. (Please let me know if anyone else didn't score.)

There was much speculation as to the true identity of The Other Team, and on the reason that The Big Man (pictured left) intervened on their side. Some posited that our foes were a lost subcomittee of the Knights Templar, who wandered to Raleigh to battle infidels such as the Rotters. Other thought they were a secret sect of Kung Fu Jesuits. Whatever their nature, The Other Team clearly had A Higher Power on their side, controlling the bounce of the ball, the refs, and the swirling dust storms that circled the parched field.

Not only did the loss end the Mighty Three-Week Rotters Dynasty, (2006 CE - 2006 CE), but it also triggered a total eclipse of the sun, to be visible today across much of the earth.

In a further sign of the coming Soccer-opalypse, North Carolina Lottery Tickets will go on sale tomorrow. The Old North State is already being punished for this trangression with drought, a plague of immigrants from New Jersey, and early exits from the NCAA tourney.

Not withstanding the lottery's clear sinfulness, many Rotters will be found tomorrow in the alleyways behind convenience stores, fervently scratching "Tic-Tac-Doe" cards, praying to an unlistening diety that the 1,000,000 to 1 odds will bounce in their favor.

Lo, these are dark times for the Rotters. But we will rise once again, to win and drink and drink some more!

Sam's Fiery Drink Party

2006-03-23T22:41:00.000-05:00

Here are a few pics from Sam's Fiery Drink Party last month. Thanks to Sam for the fiery drinks and to Anne Kathrin for the kick-ass chili! Sorry it took me so long to get these out to the world... this moving-from-Raleigh-to-Chapel-Hill stuff really hinders me from accomplishing very important things... like drinking more fiery drinks.

V is for Rotters Victory (starring Natalie Portman and Pele)

2006-03-21T18:35:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Federated Foreign and/or Freak Footballers rolled to an unprecedented third straight victory Sunday, crushing the Talecris Cyborg Army by a score of between 6-0 and 8-0, depending on who you ask.

Talecris Biotherapeutics official corporate slogan is "a bold vision to be the recognized global leader in developing and delivering premium protein therapies." Perhaps, but their soccer team sucks.

Sam Sam The Injured Man took revenge on the team that broke his finger with 2 revenge goals-- there's some friggin' biotherapy for ya! Apparently, Sam has two functioning legs with the season 30% over-- a good omen for the Persons In Black.

Free Willy Alphin scored one, Kickin' Kelly netted another, and Chris had no idea who scored the rest. Let's go with Pele, Sly, and two by Michael Caine. Michael Caine rules. Have you seen the original Alfie? Awesome. Burt Bacharach song at the end-- good stuff.

Some around the elite Coed C League are comparing the Rotters 3-game dominance with that of the Ming Dynasty (1368-1664 CE), and the Holy Roman Empire (843-1806 CE). Rule on, Rotters, rule on. Shine on you crazy diamonds. You built this team on Rock and Roll. You are the champions, my friends. You keep on fighting, until its time to drink beer at the end.

Refutation of a Playground Lesson

2006-03-19T23:35:00.000-05:00

I never said Machiavelli was right
I root for the underdog in every fight
Power corrupts, and gloating's a sin
But, gosh, it certainly feels good to win.

Wanderin' Grovers Get Elmo-ed By Rolling Rotters

2006-03-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

Continuing their dynastic dominance of the Coed C League, the Royal Raleigh Rotters Football and Table Tennis Society destroyed rival Wanderin' Grovers 4-2.75. Sam He Is and Mark The Spark each got a goal, but the record crowd of 14,291 were wowed by two spectacular goals from Aner "The Battling Basque" Barriola. (Not to be confused with team chaplin Jon "The Baffling Basque" Zubi.) The misspelled Grovers could only manage a goal a piece from Big Bird and Snuffleupegus, and 3/4 of a goal from Fozzie Bear.

The roaring Rotters rocketed into first place in the elite C League, and their 2-win streak is already inspriring comparisons with the Steelers of the 70's and John Wooden's UCLA basketball dynasty. Should this trend continue for the next four seasons, the Rotters will reach 40-0. The Persons in Black march into their next game with a mix of complacency and over-confidence that only the best teams can pull off.

Please note: All scores and accounts of games are estimated, and are loosely based on incoherent accounts of said games from drunk or hung-over Rotters players, relayed over insufficient telecommunications equipment. The TASL Elite Coed C League and The Royal Raleigh Rotters Ancient and Benevolent Football Club are in no way responsible for inaccuracies, lies, and grammatical errors contained herein. Thank you for reading this teeny tiny font.

Farquhar Misses Game, Gets Score Wrong

2006-03-09T16:24:00.000-05:00

Rotter Minister of Public Relations Pete Farquhar was unable to make the Rotters' first game of the Spring 2006 season and consequently was incorrect in reporting the final score of the game. Farquhar attempted to lay blame on faulty information having been relayed to him via garbled cel phones wielded by inebriated Rotters.

The correct score was Rotters 4, Cinelli's 1.

An inebriated Farquahar is seen here wielding a garbled cel phone and relaying faulty information during the Fall 2005 season.

Rotters Begin Second Season With Crushing, Spectacular Triumph

2006-03-09T06:47:00.000-05:00

The Royal Raleigh Rotters Ancient and Honorable Football Club took the field Tuesday night full of vim, vigour, some more vim, and a few pre-game beers. They weren't full of respect for rival and sworn enemy Cinelli's.

Their ears were still ringing with the sound of Chairman Mike's pregame email. "As we stand on the verge of getting it on tonight, let us not pretend that Cinelli's is our equal. They are not. We must treat them with the contempt they have asked for by paying a large sum of money to play against us on the worst fields, with the worst referees Raleigh has to offer."

Yes, the Rotters have no respect for any league that would have them as members. As we play against each team, we play against the entire TASL super-structure and the machinery of oppression that it represents.

As the Rotters took to the field, they were delighted to find that TASL had worked hard to seed the playing surface, and it had grown to a rich and verdant green. (Yea, right.) Erin Who Can Actually Play Soccer, Jon Jon The Englishmon, and the Flying Carpenter Brothers all responded with spectacular goals. The thugs from Cinelli's could only manage a feeble two goals. As the final horn sounded, the Rotters realized that 4 was greater than 2, and that they had in fact won a game.

With tears in their eyes, the Rotters dedicated the triumph to fallen comrade Curt Gowdy, who passed away earlier this winter. Veteran Rotters will remember how we befriended Mr. Gowdy in the early 70s, when he provided the call during our epic clashes with the Cincinatti Reds. In later years, Curt would often drop by Lions Park and cheer us on as we floundered in the mud. We miss you, Curt.

The Rotters also paid fitting tribute to "The Womens," Kate Hate, Big D Danica, and Anne Who Can. The Womens only numbered three, and had to play the entire game, a feat that would have caused multiple organ failure for many a male Rotter. Here's to The Womens!!!!

Rotters Speculate On Meaning Of Cap'n Mike Post

2005-12-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

Rotter nation is wracked with speculation this mid-holiday morning, after a cryptic blog post from Captain Mike Carpenter (see below.). Captain, like Koatx and Jesus, is known to communicate in parables, forcing the Rotter faithful to work hard to expunge the true meaning.

This Rotter believes Mike was giving us the answer to the oft asked question-- "If a Rotter falls on the field, and there is no one there to listen, what sound does he/she make?"

But the meaning, as always, is shielded frm our weak minds, as is the meaning of the word "expunge."

Update From Captain Mike

2005-12-27T02:22:00.000-05:00

"asdefsadfasdf"

Rotters Enjoy Bluegrass, Beer

2005-12-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

Several Royal Raleigh Rotters were in attendance for Mug Night at the Pour House last night.

Gathered around the eastern quadrant of the bar area, Rotters Farquhar, Khalifa, Williford, Osten, Alphin, Zubizuretta, Clemmons, and special guest Rotter-in-Exile Reuer hefted giant plastic mugs of beer while enjoying the fine musicianship of Chatham County Line. Two Rotter wives were also in attendance. Holiday cheer was evident.

Clemmons reported coming into work an hour late this morning with a pounding headache. No word as yet on the condition of other mug-hefting Rotters.

The Fix Is In! - Old Europe Rigs World Cup Draw

2005-12-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

Groups for the 2006 World Cup were "drawn" on Friday, revealing a Germano/French conspiracy to prevent the United States from advancing. The US (FIFA world rank 8) has to play the Czech Republic (#2) and Italy (#12). Meanwhile, Germany, who are #16 in the world, are the highest ranked team in their group!

In a similarly odd outcome for a "random" process, France drew the mighty nations of Togo (pictured above following their qualifying victory earlier this year), and Switzerland, whose strict neutrality policy prevents them from trying to score.

Then on Saturday, FIFA shocked and puzzled the soccer world by announcing that host Germany will be allowed to play by "Rotters Rules." These were said to include: the ability to use your hands anywhere on the field after calling "goalie"; the privilege to take cigarette breaks every 7 minutes; and a cryptic provision called "Zubi offsides immunity."

Khalifa Out for Spring?

2005-12-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

Keeper Aly Khalifa is rumoured to be considering sitting out the Spring Rotter season. According to unnamed sources close to Khalifa, he has cited "prior commitments" that will prevent him from keeping up with the rigorous Rotter practice regimen and game schedule. However, these same sources have divulged that he is actually suiting up for another popular Spring sport -- beer funneling. Khalifa has declined comment. In a photo recovered from a top-secret funneling practice, he is seen above being coached to excel at his new sport of choice.

Mucous a Theme at Sunday Practice

2005-12-12T10:19:00.000-05:00

Since the Rotters didn't have any tapas parties to cook for, dog bites to stitch up, or water polo matches to play in, the soccer scoundrels decided they might as well play futbol this Sunday. In addition to the usual ritual of attempting to put the ball in the goal, an informal booger-blowing contest took place. Charles won, with Jeff's patent "farmer hanky" taking a close second.

Could've been great, but......

2005-12-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

Building on a post-game conversation at MoJo's:

5. Could've been a great soccer player, but he was drunk (George Best )

4. Could've been a great president, but he was drunk.

3. Could've been a great Irish poet, but he was drunk (Shane McGowen)

2. Could've been a great country, but we were drunk.

1. Could've finished 7th in the Coed C League, but.....

Rotters Triumphantly Complete First Season, With A Loss

2005-12-07T09:20:00.000-05:00

That new football/soccer club called the Royal Raleigh Rotters completed their first season with another triumphant loss. The well-groomed, spunky Rotters finished the season, 2-6-2, experiencing non-losses in nearly 50% of their games played. Two teams in the Coed C league were actually worse than the Rotters. We are loving and capable, and, dog-gone-it, people like us.

It should be pointed out that poor officiating was responsible for all Rotters losses and ties.

Some Rotters are planning on playing in the spring TASL season, while others are working busily to come up with excuses for not playing.

The Rotters parent organization, The Bloody Marys Football Club and Benevolent Drinking Society, continues to play every Sunday at about 3pm EST at Lions Park. Please come. Pete has given up on the Steelers and will thus get up off his couch and start playing again.

This Is The Royal Raleigh Rotters Website

Rotters Triumphantly Play Pretty Well in the Middle of the Game

The Benefits of Doing a Thing Over and Over Until You're Better at It

Healthy Rotters Don't Hump Trees

rotters enjoy u.s. soccer, chicken and waffles

Two Things At Once

The Rockers Frequent Fouls: Running Past the Rotters at Great Speed

Rotters Win Final, (with a Tie), after Rockers Win Prelimary Exhibition Qualifier

Plans Evolve for New Year's Eve Rotter Rout

A Rotter's Guide to Exercise

The Pod System and You

Rotten Rockin’ Raleigh Slammin’ Soccer Slamdown 2009 is Hereby Declared

Deutsche Rotters

Summer Doldrums and a Hilarious Blog

Team With Long Pants Triumphant in Rotter Bowl II

The Images Of Rotter Bowl II, Captured in Pictures

Rotter Bowl II Proclaimed

Khalifa Keeps Clean Sheet, Rotters Tie

Space-Time Continuum Troubles are Over

God of Thunder-0, Rotters-1

Let Us Eat Squirrel

Germans Sell Van of Freedom, Flee Country

Germans Have 7th Going Away Party

Rotter Bowl One Article, Business Cliche Version

What Might Have Happened at Rotter Bowl I

RB I pictures

Rotter Bowl I to host referee from Hell

Rotter Bowl: Too Much Hype?

Rotter Bowl I Proclaimed

New Rotter Mascot Needed

Jeff Misquotes Lombardi, It Is Hot, A Tree Falls, A Bear Sh!ts, Steely McBeam Is Born

Rotters Kruise and Krash in Kirby Derby

There Are Ping Pong Balls Above The Ceiling

A Conservative Dresser with Radical Effects

Rotters Love Them Some Soft Rock

White/Gray Team Defeats Black/Orange/Red/Green/Blue/Gray Team 1-0

Rotter Iraq Study Group Issues Recommendations

Rotter Pong

The Mighty Albeit Oppressed Scottish Nation, As Represented by Celtic FC, Triumph Over Their English Oppressors, As Represented By Manchester United

*** THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ROTTCAST SYSTEM ***

CLICK THE STOP BUTTON ON YOUR BROWSER TO STOP THE SIREN BEFORE YOU GO CRAZY

Replacement Rotters Rock

Rotter Naughties Go Nautical

Rotter Men In Triathlon Also, And We Don't Use Naughty Words In Our Headlines

More Evidence that Rotter Women are Tough as Shit

PATERNITY TESTS REVEALED! Lowy Blamed Again

What Could We Get For TASL Registration Fee? Trans Am Plus 600 beers

We Can Rebuild Him

Farquhar Out Six Weeks: Rotters Season Over?

Keeper Dave Flashes a Winning Smile

Match Fixing Scandal Rocks Elite-PremierCoed C Division

Rotters Revenge: Trip the Daytrippers

New Trading Cards for the Fall 06 Season

Rotters Are Victorious Supreme Triumphant Superior Winning Crushing Dominant Well-Above-Average Champions of the Premier Elite Coed C-League

Can the RRR Survive Without: D Cully, Kate Hate, J-Lowy and O'Shag-nasty?

Rotter National Anthem

Rotters Stay In Shape During the Summer Months

VICTORY!

Lemon Mojo is a Stupid Name for a Team

Women Wotters Wow in Wonderful Win

Formerly Foreign Rotters Join Team America

Physicist and Englishman Needed

Rotters Retire #007. Must Find New Fall Guy

Rotters Rout Red Storm in Rematch Romp

Rotters Adopt Minor League Affiliate

Rotters Find Jamaican Link

Rotters Beat Styx Fans

The Rotters' Own Gandhi

Rotters Lose, Blame Englishman

Rotters Face a Wrathful God

Sam's Fiery Drink Party

V is for Rotters Victory (starring Natalie Portman and Pele)

Refutation of a Playground Lesson

Wanderin' Grovers Get Elmo-ed By Rolling Rotters

Farquhar Misses Game, Gets Score Wrong

Rotters Begin Second Season With Crushing, Spectacular Triumph

Rotters Speculate On Meaning Of Cap'n Mike Post

Update From Captain Mike

Rotters Enjoy Bluegrass, Beer

The Fix Is In! - Old Europe Rigs World Cup Draw

* THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ROTTCAST SYSTEM *